“our “kid-friendly” Halloween party was terrifying, will video interviews hurt my chances of getting hired, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

our “kid-friendly” Halloween party was terrifying, will video interviews hurt my chances of getting hired, and more
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my boss asked me to project-manage a peer — and the peer treats me like his assistant

our “kid-friendly” Halloween party was terrifying, will video interviews hurt my chances of getting hired, and more

Posted: 29 Oct 2019 09:03 PM PDT

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My office's “kid-friendly” Halloween party was terrifying

My office held a Halloween party this week after hours (immediately after the work day in the office), and said in the invitation that kids and significant others are welcome. Some of us brought our young kids (ages 2-5 or so). When we arrived the signs were pretty ghoulish (dismembered bloody body parts, etc), and one employee, "Bob,” brought this very gruesome and realistic zombie puppet. It’s just as creepy as it looks in the video and it truly terrorized the kids in attendance. The parents are really upset, and would not have brought their kids if we knew that there would be this kind of adult Halloween horror.

The person who did this is otherwise lovely, and is also very close to the CEO. It’s not like management was unaware before it happened, I think they were just clueless about how inappropriate this was for a family event. Before Bob arrived, the CEO was telling people, “I heard Bob is going to bring his special friend Sally” (meaning the puppet). How do we address this with management? Its hard enough in our company for moms of young kids, and I don’t want us to be seen as spoil sports, but I am also really really not okay with the company saying this is a bring your kids event and then having something like this happen. Any advice?

Yes! Talk to whoever is in charge of party planning and logistics for your office and explain this wasn't kid-appropriate at all! I'm guessing someone involved didn’t understand what is and isn't kid-friendly and needs that spelled out more clearly. This won’t be you being a spoil sport; this will be you giving someone highly relevant info that they apparently didn't have and probably would want. (Think if you'd done something similar — you'd want to know!)

You could say, "I think there was a disconnect between whoever said the party would be kid-friendly and whoever planned the decorations. It definitely wasn’t kid-appropriate for small children — my kids and some of the the others were really upset by the some of the gruesome decor and Bob's puppet. In future years, can we be more careful about that? It of course doesn’t need to be kid-friendly but if we say it is, I want to be sure it won’t terrify our kids."

Also, next year, make a point of raising this again in case people have forgotten or someone else is doing the planning. Mention that kids were scared last time, and ask for info about exactly what's being planned. (Maybe talk to Bob in advance of next year's too.)

2. Will it hurt my chances of getting hired if I can only do video interviews?

After a lot of self-reflection, I finally quit my job and decided to take a two-month sabbatical to stay with my family and spend the end of the year holidays with them. Ideally I would like to be back to work around January, so I’ve been casually looking at jobs on LinkedIn and plan to start my job search in earnest around next week. However, I wouldn’t be able to go to any face-to-face interviews before January because I'm in a completely different country; I will absolutely go if the company offers to cover my expenses, but the jobs I'll be applying for are not high-level enough for this sort of investment in a candidate. (I would love to be proven wrong though!)

I thought about holding off my job search until December or January, but I know hiring processes can stretch on for quite a few months and I don’t want to risk being unemployed for too long. I am able to do online interviews with my webcam, but I also know it's not the same as an in-person interview. Would this hurt my chances during the interview process?

There are definitely companies that are willing to do interviews virtually rather than in person, but (a) a lot of them will still want to meet you at some point before making a final decision and (b) there's a lot of data showing that it will put you at a disadvantage — that candidates who interview by video receive lower likability ratings and lower overall interview scores and are less likely to be hired than people who interview in person.

Assuming you're applying in the U.S., being in another country and not being available in-person will be a pretty significant disadvantage unless you're applying for very hard-to-fill jobs. I hate to say it, but I think your timeline might be really hard to pull off, given the above. You can give it a shot and see what happens, but I wouldn't count on having a job nailed down by January with these restrictions. Can you look into alternate plans now in case that happens … or even reconsider the plan if not having a job by January would be financially disastrous?

3. My coworkers tell me not to eat what I'm eating

I have a problem that keeps coming up at work and I am very sick of dealing with it. I am a fat young woman who enjoys food, and older women at work have a habit of telling me I shouldn’t be eating what I’m eating while I’m eating it. I spent years coming to terms with the fact that my diet is my business and nobody else’s, and it’s really hurtful to repeatedly be told that other people find my choices unacceptable. They’ll make jokes about how I need to stop eating such-and-such kind of food as I put a forkful of it into my mouth, or they’ll say that the thing in my hand is the last or only thing of type X I’m allowed to eat for the day.

I’ve tried joking that I make no promises about the rest of the day’s food, I’ve tried directly saying that it’s my choice what and how much to eat, I’ve tried just plain ignoring the comments, and none of it has made it stop. I pride myself on being approachable and friendly, and I don’t want to hurt my relationships with these women by being overly blunt, but I desperately want them to stop! What can I do or say to make it clear that this isn’t okay without being harsh? It’s hurtful and upsetting, no matter how well-meaning they are.

I'm not convinced they're well-meaning! They’re being rude and intrusive, and this isn’t something polite people would do. Your letter is very accommodating of a terribly rude behavior, and it's worth thinking about why you feel you need to be. (And yes, work relationships are tricky and you have to navigate them carefully sometimes — but this is still awfully accommodating even in that context.)

You mentioned that you've tried to joke it off and told them what you eat is up to you, but you didn't mention that you've directly told them to stop! If you haven't, that's the next step. The next time it happens, say this: "I should have said this earlier — I want the comments on what I eat to stop. It's really unwelcome and I regret not making that clear earlier." If it continues after you've set that clear boundary, then get firmer: "I've asked you to stop commenting on what I eat. It's not up for public critique. Please stop."

If you're worried it'll feel too awkward to leave that hanging out there, then follow up with a quick change of subject — ask about something work-related or a personal interest of theirs. That'll let you deliver the message but then move on quickly, which can help when you're worried about causing tension.

But none of this is harsh. What they're doing is rude, and you get to tell them directly to stop.

4. Can I leave before two weeks if I finished all my work?

I gave two weeks notice and it makes my last day Tuesday. I am closing out all my projects and will have everything done by Friday. Can I tell my company I’m now making Friday my last day as I’ve completed all my obligations? I honestly don’t want to spend another two days there “buying time” as I’m remote — so it’s not like I’ll be going out to lunch or hanging with coworkers — just sitting at home wasting two full days.

Generally the convention is that you'd offer to wrap up early if they want you to, rather than just announcing you'll be doing that. Your manager may have something she wants you to do during those last few days, or might have set aside time on your last day to go over final loose ends, or may just want you available in case something comes up.

But you could say this: "I'm going to have everything finished up by Friday. Would it make sense to set that as my last day, or will you need anything from me on Monday or Tuesday next week?"

5. Getting time off for breast reduction

I am having a totally optional surgery in January. I will need to take about one week off of work and work one week from home. How early would you suggest telling my manager about this? Also, I feel like I should disclose that this is a breast reduction surgery, because I am going to look different when I come back, and because the surgery is elective, but my manager is male, and I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. How would you suggest I approach this?

How early to tell depends to some degree on your office, but pretty soon! Within the next week or two, ideally.

You don't ever need to tell your employer the specifics about a surgery if you don't want to. It's fine to just say, "I'm having surgery in January — nothing to worry about, but something I need to take care of."

I was recently interviewing with a nonprofit, and in the screening interview, a brief 15-minute conversation with HR, I was asked my salary requirements. I named a number I thought was reasonable and was told this was over what had been budgeted. HR asked me to confirm, then and there, that I was okay with the salary they provided. When I stalled for time, they said I would need to agree before moving on to the next interview and. in the follow-up email coordinating my visit to the office, requested I confirm I would take the stated salary. I wrote back, “I understand that this the maximum dollar amount that has been budgeted for this position.”

At the time of the screening interview, the HR person could not tell me the specific duties of the position (which, when I interviewed in-person, turned out to be quite different than what was posted). I’m also hesitant to say I’m okay with a specific dollar amount without the chance to negotiate other aspects of the role (such as a flexible work schedule). What put me off most, however, was that the role description asked for “2-5 years of experience” and preferred a master’s degree. I would have gone in with 5 years and a master’s, and the HR person told me straight out they’d budgeted for someone with 2 years of experience. She essentially confirmed they wanted to pay for less experience than they were asking for.

I understand they don’t want to move forward with a candidate who has expectations far misaligned with theirs, but this seemed overly aggressive to me. Was it normal for HR to ask me to commit so firmly to a dollar amount, so early in the process? As a candidate, what is a reasonable level of salary commitment to make before you have a chance to negotiate?

It's not entirely unusual. On the employer side, the thinking is, "It doesn't make sense for either of us to invest time in the interview process if the salary we're able to pay doesn't work for you. There's no point in going through the whole process if at the end we're going to find out we're not aligned on pay." And that's true! It's absolutely correct that it's better for everyone to talk about salary early on so candidates can self-select out if the pay doesn't work for them.

But if this employer is really committed to that viewpoint, they should put the damn salary in the ad. If their motivation is to avoid wasting time, then they should take care of it earlier on — put in the ad what they plan to pay, and problem solved. But they don't do that because they want you to name a number first. Notice that they asked you your salary expectations before they shared their own number — even though their number is apparently extremely firm, and they didn't want to move forward without you agreeing to it. It's reasonable to wonder why, in that case, they didn't just start with their number … and the reason is almost certainly because they knew there was a chance they could get you for less than the number they eventually named. If they were budgeting $65,000 and you said you were looking for $50,000, it's very likely they would have said, "Yes, that's in our ballpark" rather than telling you they were willing to pay more.

(To be fair, that's not true in every case. Some employers in that situation will say, "Oh, our range is higher," because they care about internal salary equity and don't want you paid less than others in your role. But even then, they'll likely frame it in a way that ensures you view that as the high end of their range, rather than potentially negotiating for more, as you might have done if you hadn't already named your own number first.)

So while it's reasonable for an employer to say, "We don't want to move forward if we're not aligned on salary," the specific way this employer is doing it is in bad faith. It’s designed to advantage them and to disadvantage you, and that's crappy.

But you handled it well! Saying, “I understand that this the maximum dollar amount that has been budgeted for this position" doesn't say "I commit to accepting this salary at the end of this process, regardless of what else I learn." I'd still expect that if they do offer you the job and you try to negotiate, you're going to run into some resistance based on them feeling it was already discussed earlier — but at that point you can point out that you've learned much more about the job since then.

It's still possible they won't budge, of course. That's true in any salary negotiation, but there's more risk of it in a situation like this. That just means you've got to decide if you're willing to go through the interview process knowing that they really might not move on salary at the end of it.

Recently, my boss (who's the CEO — we'll call him Jason) has asked me to step into more of a middle-management role, providing status updates on the rest of the business to him and the board of directors. He's specifically asked me to work with Tim in a project management capacity. Tim works on producing content for our website (videos, blogs, podcasts, etc.), and the CEO was hoping I would step into the overview and planning of what content we already have, what is coming up next, what themes we need more content on, etc., leaving Tim more free to focus on the creative side of actually developing the content.

I set up a meeting with Tim about this where I explained what Jason had asked me to do and asked what projects he was working on and how we could collaborate. The task he asked for my help with was booking a restaurant for a team meal, and he also offered some (subtle) pushback on the idea of me having oversight of his work. I was offended by his ask as I felt it was more suitable for an assistant or an intern. When I tried to clarify that I saw my role working with him as more of a project management one than an administrative assistant one, he said, "Oh, definitely, and finding this restaurant IS project management, because the project is getting the whole team together." And this is not a one-time thing. The last time I had contact with him was when he asked me to set up a filing system for him on our new server.

I feel like his treatment of me is partly because I'm a woman in my 20s (he's in his 40s) and he doesn't see me as his peer. I don't know how to address it with him without coming across as aggressive and unwilling to pitch in where help is needed. I will involve my boss if I need to but I'd rather deal with it directly. Since my boss is the CEO of the company, he has a lot on his plate and is too busy to deal with his kind of day-to-day stuff. We don't have an HR department.

Oh, Tim. Booking a restaurant for a team meal is not project management, and it's pretty patronizing that he tried to play it that way. If he has an issue with what the CEO has asked you to do, he should have communicated that like a grown-up. It would have been a lot more respectful (to both you and the CEO) if he'd said, for example, "I don't think involving you in that way makes sense because of ___ so let me talk to Jason and figure this out."

That said, it's possible that the way you approached this might have left Tim some room to think this was more optional than it is, or more your idea than Jason's. Some of the language in your letter (which I realize might be different than the language you used with Tim) sounds pretty soft — like "asked what projects he was working on and how we could collaborate" and “tried to clarify that I saw my role working with him as more of a project management one than an administrative assistant one." That's not to say you should have bulldozed your way in, but I can see how Tim might have gotten the impression that there was room for him to redefine your role in relation to his work.

Much more importantly, though, Jason shouldn't have left you to communicate any of this to Tim on your own. That's especially true if the work he asked you to take on is work Tim has being doing up until now. People shouldn't hear from a peer that their job is changing. But even if that’s not the case, this new set-up will have him answering to you in a way — not as his boss, but as the person making decisions about what he should be working on. And that's sensitive enough that Jason should have been the one to talk to Tim about it, rather than leaving it to you to announce.

You need Jason to go back and fix that now. You say he's too busy to deal with this kind of day-to-day stuff — but this is very much his job as a manager, and he's the only one with the standing to do it. You're not being weak or copping out by asking him to. You can frame it as, "I've gotten some resistance from Tim to me the work we talked about, and I've realized he needs to hear from you what your vision is so he's clear it’s coming from you and has a chance to ask you questions about it.”

Before you do that, though, I'd go back to Tim and say something like, "I think we're on different pages about the work Jason has asked me to do. He's asked me to manage the overall planning of our web content, what we'll produce when, and what themes we need more content on. I'm going to put together a schedule of what's on the horizon right now, and then I'd like your input before I finalize it. I'm also going to ____" (fill in with a couple of other steps you plan to take that get you into the real substance of the work Jason has asked you to do). That part is crucial; don't wait for Tim to suggest what you could do, because that's not working. Instead, decide what makes sense for this piece of your role and let him know your plans.

Meanwhile, if Tim asks you to make any more restaurant reservations or set up a filing system for him, look confused and/or amused and say, "That's not something I can help with" or "That's something you should talk to (admin) about."' If it keeps happening, then address it more directly: "You've been asking me to do admin work for you. That's not part of my role, and it's coming across very weirdly that you're trying to send those tasks my way. What's up?" If again claims it's project management, say, "Nope! That's stuff you'd need to do yourself or give to (admin).”

But really, Jason needs to step in here — not because you can't handle it yourself, but because that always should have been step one of this shift.

Also, since it sounds like he might want you doing similar higher-level work with the rest of the business too, make sure he's conveying that to the rest of the company, not just Tim — or you risk running into resistance or confusion from other people over time as well.

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