“my boss wants me to microblade my eyebrows, company blocked all streaming, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager |
- my boss wants me to microblade my eyebrows, company blocked all streaming, and more
- a company rescinded my job offer after I asked for more time to think it over
- asking for a raise is easier than you think
- my awful coworker is also my roommate
| my boss wants me to microblade my eyebrows, company blocked all streaming, and more Posted: 18 Nov 2019 09:03 PM PST It's five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. My boss is pressuring me to microblade my eyebrows My boss has been pressuring me and the other two employees in our division to get our eyebrows microbladed by her friend. She comments on our eyebrows. She tells us it would be the best thing for us to do. She will show us photos of women with microbladed brows and say we should want to look as good. Since she’s the boss, there is no easy way to tell her to knock it off and I know my coworkers are as tired of it as I am. Personally I don't think microblading looks good on anyone, and trends change (remember the over-plucked eyebrows of the 90s?). No one knows the long-term effects since these things are so new, and I have read many articles about the orange and green left behind when it fades. But besides all that, I don’t think it’s appropriate for a boss to pressure people under her to have a permanent alteration done to them. She gets offended if we don’t show enthusiasm for her ideas in general, and this eyebrow thing isn’t any different. She mentions weekly how she can’t understand why none of us have gone. Her own eyebrows are thick and overdone like the trend is nowadays and none of the three of us want to look like that. Do you have any tips or scripts as to how we can get her to stop when she is our boss and won’t listen to a thing any of us say? Yep, totally inappropriate. And weird! Who is invested that much in someone else’s eyebrows? If you haven't yet told her directly you're not going to do it, start there: “"I'm not interested in changing my eyebrows. It's not something I'm going to do." If you've already done that, then say this: "I really don't want to keep talking about my eyebrows! I get that you like it, but it's not for me and I'd rather not keep discussing it." And then if necessary: "It's really uncomfortable that you keep pushing me to change my appearance when I've told you I'm not interested in doing it. I don't know what else to say to get you to stop." That said, someone who continues after the first or second "no, it's not for me" is someone who isn't the playing by the same rulebook as most people, and so you might need to just resort to changing the subject and/or tuning her out every time she brings it up. 2. Our company blocked all streaming media on our wifi, including music and podcasts I work for a very large company, 500 or so employees in my location, and they recently made an adjustment to the office that wouldn’t push me to quit on its own but is making my day-to-day work at the building more miserable, and I feel like I can’t be the only one. Our wifi was reconfigured to block all streaming media. Period. Which I understand in principle (no reason to be browsing Netflix on company time), but it’s cut off all music streaming options too. We have an (ugh) open office plan, so without an option for something to listen to, all the ambient noise is incessant and can be very distracting, especially now that have fewer options to drown it out. This has previously been a very headphones-friendly environment, and there’s no good reason we wouldn’t be able to use them (think lots of data entry and email answering, very little face to face conversation). No major communication went out about the change or any issues with headphone usage; it just became apparent as we found blocked stuff. Someone else on the team brought it up to our manager and she agreed it was a pain, but she didn’t even know who to raise the issue to. I can see this being something to push back on as a group, but I don’t want to be seen as overly focused on something so trivial and I feel like organizing a group to ask about the Spotify would be seen as a little obsessive. And I don’t know who to approach with it. It’s driving me insane and all it seems to be accomplishing is pushing me to work from home more often, even though I know I get less done there. But I’m so miserable in the office when I can’t choose to listen to a podcast over my cubicle neighbor chewing with her mouth open. Any ideas on what to do here? Am I doomed to just grin and bear it? (And I’ve tried downloading Spotify playlists to listen to offline, but that takes a heck of a lot of pre-planning, not to mention a Spotify Premium account, which really doesn’t feel worth it if I’m limited to the stuff I thought to download in advance.) The easy answer is here is to download content on to your phone so that you don't have to stream it. You say that would take pre-planning, but it doesn't take that much pre-planning, and you're upset enough about this change that it sounds like it would be worth it since it would solve the problem. (And you don't need a paid account to download podcasts — they're mostly free if you use something like iTunes rather than Spotify.) That said, you could certainly say to someone in charge, "Was your intent to cut off music streaming too?" Maybe that wasn't their intent — but it sounds like you're not even sure who to talk to, so just downloading stuff on your phone really is the easiest path here. (You can download a month's worth in probably the amount of time it took you to write to me!) 3. Should I tell my manager that I’m face blind? I have prosopagnosia, otherwise known as face blindness. This is different from just being bad at faces — I can’t recognize my parents if they’re not speaking or walking. I can recognize loved ones by their gait, and most friends from their voice. Everyone else, I memorize by physical characteristics like their hair color or build. This is my first job out of college. The problem is that my workplace has a lot of people, and I worry that I’m coming off as rude to them. One example is a coworker who I sat next to and talked to for six months. I couldn’t recognize him outside of that, though, so I never acknowledged him outside of our desks unless he said something first. I also can’t say who I’ve talked to at lunch or build friendly relationships with anyone because I don’t know who they are. Luckily, this doesn’t affect my work. Starting a year ago, I’ve been working remotely as a programmer and only come in for team meetings. And through pure luck, I can recognize most of my team by sight. So it’s not a problem in my work, because everything else takes place through IM or conference calls. I still live only 20 minutes away and I would love to come to the office more, but I don’t know how to handle this. I’m afraid people outside my team think I’m rude or standoffish because I never initiate conversation. When I was just starting out, I’d ask “getting to know you” questions and stuff like that. But now people know a lot about me, but I can’t remember which medium-sized white man I talked to yesterday at lunch or which tall man with the grey hair is our department head. And I could ask, but unless they have a distinctive physical feature, I won’t remember them tomorrow when they change clothes. Is this worth bringing up with my manager? It’s affecting whether I feel comfortable coming into work, but I can work just fine remotely. And there’s not really anything I can do about it. In my personal life, I tell everyone that I’m face blind on our second meeting, when they remember me and I’m clueless. My script is something like “Don’t take it personally. I’m just face blind — my brain can’t remember faces. I can’t even recognize my partner when she changes her hair.” Is that something that I could say at work, or is the fact that I’ve been here for a year and a half too long to speak up? I was hoping that I wouldn’t have a problem with it, because everyone has lanyards with their names, but those are usually obscured by clothing/furniture. That script is absolutely suitable for work. It's a good one because the detail about your partner really emphasizes that this more than just having trouble remembering people you don’t see often. And yes, tell your manager! You can frame it as, "I haven't raised it because it hasn't affected my work, but I've noticed it's making me hesitant to come into the office more often because I don't want anyone to think I'm being rude to them. So I wanted to at least fill you in and will probably fill in others as well." And since she might wonder if you're asking her to do anything in particular, you could add, "I'm not asking for any accommodations; I'm just letting you know since my inability to recognize people could seem off if you didn't know that context." 4. My coworker can't remember my name A coworker, Jane, who's in a different department but same division within a university, can’t seem to remember my name. Not only does she call me by various wrong names but she also announces pretty much every time I see her that she can’t remember my name. This would probably slightly annoy me in any situation, but this one is especially weird. A few months ago, my boss (who is casual friends with Jane) was supposed to drive her to and from a minor surgical appointment that required anesthesia and prevented her from driving. Jane has been in town for about a year but hasn’t made many friends yet, so she didn’t have many options. Then, my boss got invited to a meeting he couldn’t miss and asked if I would pick Jane up and drive her home, after making sure this was fine with Jane. I empathize with living away from family and friends, so I was happy to help. I waited at the clinic for at least 30 minutes, went in and got discharge instructions from the doctor (which was awkward!), and then drove her home. We don’t work closely together and maybe see each other once a month or so, but it seems truly bizarre that my name is the only one she can’t seem to remember out of my small team. I am wondering if (1) there is something else going on here other than just forgetfulness and (2) if I can say anything that doesn’t sound rude? She just came in and did it again and I can tell I am losing my patience and wanting to generally avoid her. This is an interesting juxtaposition with the letter about face-blindness above. Who can say what's going on with Jane … but it sounds like your annoyance is stemming from feeling like Jane isn't bothering to remember your name. And that's possible! But it's also possible there's something else in play — which could be anything from a neurological condition to you looking like someone associated with trauma in her life. Who knows! But someone deliberately not retaining your name in order to signal "I do not find you important" would be pretty unusual. Not impossible, but unusual — and with so many other possibilities that could explain it, it's better for your peace of mind (and certainly kinder to her) to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume whatever's going on with her isn't an intentional slight. 5. When people ask for networking help I can't give I work at a desirable employer in my field, where openings are few and far between and competition for jobs can be fierce. I have been here for a little under one year. I recognize that I am extremely lucky to work here, and would happily support any trusted former colleagues in getting hired at my institution if I had the influence to do so. People do come knocking from time to time to see if I can put in a good word for them. I don’t mind this generally, but my workplace is enormous (thousands of employees) and I often do not have a direct connection to whatever area they are trying to get hired in. My scope of influence is pretty limited to the area I currently work in, especially considering I’m relatively new. But all of my former workplaces have been much smaller, so some of these folks might think I have more pull than I actually do. To add to this, I have one former colleague who I’m afraid might be forming a habit of "intro’ing” me over email to people I don’t know who have applied for jobs here to see if I can help them get hired. Both times it’s been departments I have nothing to do with, so I can’t provide help, but I feel very put on the spot to have to respond to someone I’ve never heard of to let them know I can’t help them. I feel like any way I respond to these inquiries, it will come off that I’m not doing enough to help. How can I deal with these inquiries, and should I be doing more to pass along people’s resumes? What is my obligation to former colleagues (and their friends) and how can I kindly let them know I don’t have the connections needed without damaging my professional relationships by seeming unwilling to go the extra mile? Am I just being too neurotic about this? Let the person who's done it multiple times know what you can do. For example: "If you ever know anyone who's applying in the X department, that's something I might be able to help with so definitely let me know in that case. But it's so huge here that I don't really have influence outside of our team — and even within the X department, I'm not involved in hiring and so am limited in what I can do, although I might be able to answer questions the person has." Or you could be more blunt: "We get a lot of competition for openings here and I can't recommend someone I haven't worked with. I can answer questions if they have them, but that's the extent of my influence right now." And even if you could help someone get hired, you shouldn't do that if you don't know the person's work firsthand and can vouch for them. You're putting your own reputation on the line when you recommend someone, and that's not something you should do as a favor for a mutual contact; your recommendations need to be based on really thinking someone would be a strong match. Even if you're just passing along resumes without any particular recommendation — it doesn't make sense to do that unless you think the person is strong, because if you develop a pattern of passing along mediocre candidates, (a) your future recommendations will have much less weight and (b) it can reflect on your judgment in general. You can offer to answer questions about what it's like to work there if you want to, but there isn't a lot to offer beyond that. my boss wants me to microblade my eyebrows, company blocked all streaming, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| a company rescinded my job offer after I asked for more time to think it over Posted: 18 Nov 2019 10:59 AM PST A reader writes: I received a job offer on a Tuesday and they wanted to know whether I’d accept by that Friday. Thursday rolls around, and I’m still unsure, as my current company had produced a counteroffer to keep me. I sent an email to the company that offered me the job, asking if I could have until Monday to think about it. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, since this was a Monday through Friday job, and the weekends wouldn’t count as business days. I thought the worst they could say was, "No, we really need to know by Friday.” (And just FYI, I did not mention the counteroffer from my current company.) Instead, they completely rescinded the offer, over me asking for one weekend to think it over. Is this normal? It completely took me by surprise! The short answer is no, having an offer pulled when you ask for a few more days isn’t normal. The longer answer is that there might have been other things going on. If they already had the impression that you weren't particularly enthusiastic about the job, that might have been solidified when you asked for more time after the initial time you’d asked for was gone — and made them think, "Nah, we've got other good candidates we'd be happy to offer it to, and who seem a lot more invested in doing the work." The same thing could be true if they'd had other doubts — like if they weren't 100% sold on you but made the offer anyway (which sometimes happens if they're feeling pressure to hire but haven't found someone precisely right yet). The most likely explanation, though, is that the way you asked for more time is what put them off. They'd already given you several days, and asking for more time on the day they expected your answer without explaining why could have come across as if you weren't very interested. With no other explanation, it likely sounded like you were waiting on another offer or (as in fact was the case) negotiating a counteroffer with your current employer. They're not going to be thrilled about giving you more time — and possibly losing their other top candidates during the wait — if it's just so you can negotiate a better deal from your current job. When you're asking for additional time to think over an offer after already having been given some time, it'll usually go over better if you explain why — like "I'm very interested, but I just found out about something happening in my family that might affect my availability and I want to make sure that won't be an obstacle." Or, if you'd only been given a short period of time (like a day) to think it over, "I need to run the numbers and make sure this works on my end." (That one doesn't work when you've already had most of the week though.) Without an explanation, it comes across as either “I’m waiting on another offer I’d like better” or "I just haven't been able to make myself that interested in saying yes" — and that's pretty unappealing to a company that has other candidates they'd happily hire if you don't work out. To be clear, asking for time to think over an offer is normal. The issue here is (maybe) that you asked for time, it passed, and then you asked for more time without giving any context. The thing that I think tripped you up here was the counteroffer. Accepting a counteroffer from your current company is usually (not always, but usually) a bad idea. Employers often make them in a moment of panic about losing someone at a bad time, but once they've succeeded in keeping you, being the person who was looking to leave can change the relationship in ways you don't want (like landing you at the top of the list if they need to make cuts in future, since you were "looking to leave anyway"). If you'd stay at your company if they gave you a raise, it's generally better to try to make that happen before you're at the point of fielding offers from other companies. Plus, if it takes a counteroffer to get paid what you're worth, think about what it means to work for a company that makes you have one foot out the door before they'll pay you fairly. And if it's not about the money, then whatever factors drove you to search in the first place are still going to be there once the glow from the raise wears off. In this case, the counteroffer also muddied your thinking about whether you wanted the new job or not. That’s not to say it’s not sensible to compare two competing offers and take time to think them over — it is — but in this case it sounds like the timing messed up the process you were in with the other company. a company rescinded my job offer after I asked for more time to think it over was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| asking for a raise is easier than you think Posted: 18 Nov 2019 09:29 AM PST With lots of employers doing performance reviews and year-end raises this month, now is a good time to ask for a raise. But will you? I've been shocked – horrified, really – by how many people tell me they never ask for raises. Some people rely on their company's system of merit raises (or worse, cost-of-living raises, which tend to be lower) and just take what they're offered rather than ever requesting more. Others work at companies that don't do regular salary reviews and thus go on for years at the same salary, rather than broach the issue. And yes, asking for a raise can be nerve-wracking! But people who don't ask are leaving huge amounts of money on the table, to the tune of thousands of dollars a year. At Slate today, I wrote about why people don’t ask, why they should, and how to do it. You can read it here. asking for a raise is easier than you think was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| my awful coworker is also my roommate Posted: 18 Nov 2019 07:59 AM PST A reader writes: Six months ago, I started a new job at a big tech company and needed to move for work. I made the decision to move in with a coworker, Sansa, who happened to have a room open up at her place shortly after I was hired. Sansa and I work in different departments and while I sometimes work with her supervisor, I rarely if ever have to interact with her directly, so I thought the potential for drama would be minimal, especially since we are both in our thirties. Big mistake! Sansa is pathologically immature and entitled, and that has played out in various negative ways in our work and home life. She has settled into a pattern of making a significant request of me or our other roommate and then — when we deny the request — throwing a fit in the the form of several long, stream of consciousness rants that she sends me through text or (company!) email during work hours. One one occasion, the rant was related to a work project. In that instance, I forwarded her weird ranting emails to her project leader and they presumably had a talk because I have not had a work-related complaint from Sansa since. However, she continues to harangue me about non-work-related gripes while we are both at work. This week’s drama was that she sent me several pages worth of pissy text messages because the other roommate and I declined to split the cost of a pricey laundry delivery service she wanted to hire for our house. I texted her back asking her to stop sending me angry messages while we are at work (because it is highly distracting!) and of course she continued to rant at me anyway. I have tried to have a come-to-Jesus talk with her head-on but she has developed a tactic of avoiding me and hiding in her room so we have never spoken in person about any of her weird rants. A friend recently pointed out that since Sansa’s angry messages are being sent during work hours, this is an HR issue. I don’t want to compound this problem by involving other people at work, but based on her behavior so far I fully expect her to escalate. And I have to admit her crazy rants affect my productivity negatively. (To be clear, I don't feel threatened, just drained.) Fortunately she is not in a position where she could greatly hinder my ability to do my job or put my job in jeopardy. She could badmouth me to coworkers (I’m sure she already is) but I don’t work closely enough with her or her immediate peers to know if she would be taken seriously. I’m most worried about the message blasts becoming more frequent or hostile or new forms of aggression cropping up at work that make my day-to-day a lot harder to get through. Do I need to alert her supervisor or mine to the weird dynamic going on here to cover my own butt in case this gets worse? Do I just trust that her astounding immaturity and penchant for over-the-top demands have already been observed by my coworkers and if this ever becomes a bigger issue they will likely already know she is the problem? If I decide I can’t take it anymore and move out, is that something I will need to report to my company? So she bombards you with pages worth of angry messages, but then ducks you at home so she doesn't have to discuss any of them in person? That particular element of this drama might be a blessing. It sounds like you potentially could ignore all her messages, and she'll never raise any of her issues in person, which might be relatively delightful. Although if you stop responding in text or email, maybe that will nudge her to start talking face-to-face instead … and that's probably not an improvement. Honestly, I'd seriously consider blocking her texts (or at least muting them so you're not getting notifications when they arrive). I'm guessing you shouldn’t block her on your work email, but it might help to filter her email messages into a folder that you only look at once a day or so, at a time of your choosing (perhaps after work while you have a glass of wine in hand), so your work day isn't getting constantly interrupted by angry tirades. Another option, of course, is to tell her directly that she can't text or email you about house-related stuff while you're at work, or that you'll need to ignore anything she sends during the workday. But she sounds relatively impervious to that kind of direction. Anyway … to your questions. It's true that your employer wouldn't want her doing this if they knew about it. But it's also true that it won't necessarily reflect well on you to go to your employer with what might be seen as just roommate drama — especially if you're not actively working on moving out. If you do decide to move out (and you should, which I’ll get to) and she's continuing to harass you during that process, at that point it might make sense to give your manager a heads-up — something like, "I feel like I should let you know that I've been having some issues with Sansa. I moved in with her soon after I started, and it's gone badly — she regularly sends me long, angry messages through text or company email while we're at work. I've repeatedly asked her not to, but it's continued. I'm working on moving out, but it's at the point where I felt like I should say something in case her behavior escalates.” You don't need to do that though, and whether or not to probably depends on how you worry she might escalate. One thing to be aware of is that if you do talk to your boss, your employer might tell Sansa she needs to stop spending work time on this — which in theory would be good, but in reality may drive her to another outlet, which might mean it comes into your home in a more disruptive way. You could try to head that off by saying to your manager, "I'm not asking you to take any action — in fact, I'm asking you not to, because I'm concerned that could make my living situation worse while I'm still there. At this point I'm just making you aware in case she does escalate at work in some way." But that's no guarantee that your manager won't feel obligated to act anyway. Really, though, the best thing you can do is to move out as soon as possible. This is not someone who you should share living space with. Her behavior is unstable, and the work connection makes it even worse. (And to answer your question on that, you're not under any obligation to report that to your company when you do move out, although it might make sense to give your boss a heads-up that Sansa isn't taking your departure well and you're concerned that may show up at work in some way.) my awful coworker is also my roommate was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| You are subscribed to email updates from Ask a Manager. To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now. | Email delivery powered by Google |
| Google, 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway, Mountain View, CA 94043, United States | |
“my boss wants me to microblade my eyebrows, company blocked all streaming, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager |
- my boss wants me to microblade my eyebrows, company blocked all streaming, and more
- a company rescinded my job offer after I asked for more time to think it over
- asking for a raise is easier than you think
- my awful coworker is also my roommate
| my boss wants me to microblade my eyebrows, company blocked all streaming, and more Posted: 18 Nov 2019 09:03 PM PST It's five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. My boss is pressuring me to microblade my eyebrows My boss has been pressuring me and the other two employees in our division to get our eyebrows microbladed by her friend. She comments on our eyebrows. She tells us it would be the best thing for us to do. She will show us photos of women with microbladed brows and say we should want to look as good. Since she’s the boss, there is no easy way to tell her to knock it off and I know my coworkers are as tired of it as I am. Personally I don't think microblading looks good on anyone, and trends change (remember the over-plucked eyebrows of the 90s?). No one knows the long-term effects since these things are so new, and I have read many articles about the orange and green left behind when it fades. But besides all that, I don’t think it’s appropriate for a boss to pressure people under her to have a permanent alteration done to them. She gets offended if we don’t show enthusiasm for her ideas in general, and this eyebrow thing isn’t any different. She mentions weekly how she can’t understand why none of us have gone. Her own eyebrows are thick and overdone like the trend is nowadays and none of the three of us want to look like that. Do you have any tips or scripts as to how we can get her to stop when she is our boss and won’t listen to a thing any of us say? Yep, totally inappropriate. And weird! Who is invested that much in someone else’s eyebrows? If you haven't yet told her directly you're not going to do it, start there: “"I'm not interested in changing my eyebrows. It's not something I'm going to do." If you've already done that, then say this: "I really don't want to keep talking about my eyebrows! I get that you like it, but it's not for me and I'd rather not keep discussing it." And then if necessary: "It's really uncomfortable that you keep pushing me to change my appearance when I've told you I'm not interested in doing it. I don't know what else to say to get you to stop." That said, someone who continues after the first or second "no, it's not for me" is someone who isn't the playing by the same rulebook as most people, and so you might need to just resort to changing the subject and/or tuning her out every time she brings it up. 2. Our company blocked all streaming media on our wifi, including music and podcasts I work for a very large company, 500 or so employees in my location, and they recently made an adjustment to the office that wouldn’t push me to quit on its own but is making my day-to-day work at the building more miserable, and I feel like I can’t be the only one. Our wifi was reconfigured to block all streaming media. Period. Which I understand in principle (no reason to be browsing Netflix on company time), but it’s cut off all music streaming options too. We have an (ugh) open office plan, so without an option for something to listen to, all the ambient noise is incessant and can be very distracting, especially now that have fewer options to drown it out. This has previously been a very headphones-friendly environment, and there’s no good reason we wouldn’t be able to use them (think lots of data entry and email answering, very little face to face conversation). No major communication went out about the change or any issues with headphone usage; it just became apparent as we found blocked stuff. Someone else on the team brought it up to our manager and she agreed it was a pain, but she didn’t even know who to raise the issue to. I can see this being something to push back on as a group, but I don’t want to be seen as overly focused on something so trivial and I feel like organizing a group to ask about the Spotify would be seen as a little obsessive. And I don’t know who to approach with it. It’s driving me insane and all it seems to be accomplishing is pushing me to work from home more often, even though I know I get less done there. But I’m so miserable in the office when I can’t choose to listen to a podcast over my cubicle neighbor chewing with her mouth open. Any ideas on what to do here? Am I doomed to just grin and bear it? (And I’ve tried downloading Spotify playlists to listen to offline, but that takes a heck of a lot of pre-planning, not to mention a Spotify Premium account, which really doesn’t feel worth it if I’m limited to the stuff I thought to download in advance.) The easy answer is here is to download content on to your phone so that you don't have to stream it. You say that would take pre-planning, but it doesn't take that much pre-planning, and you're upset enough about this change that it sounds like it would be worth it since it would solve the problem. (And you don't need a paid account to download podcasts — they're mostly free if you use something like iTunes rather than Spotify.) That said, you could certainly say to someone in charge, "Was your intent to cut off music streaming too?" Maybe that wasn't their intent — but it sounds like you're not even sure who to talk to, so just downloading stuff on your phone really is the easiest path here. (You can download a month's worth in probably the amount of time it took you to write to me!) 3. Should I tell my manager that I’m face blind? I have prosopagnosia, otherwise known as face blindness. This is different from just being bad at faces — I can’t recognize my parents if they’re not speaking or walking. I can recognize loved ones by their gait, and most friends from their voice. Everyone else, I memorize by physical characteristics like their hair color or build. This is my first job out of college. The problem is that my workplace has a lot of people, and I worry that I’m coming off as rude to them. One example is a coworker who I sat next to and talked to for six months. I couldn’t recognize him outside of that, though, so I never acknowledged him outside of our desks unless he said something first. I also can’t say who I’ve talked to at lunch or build friendly relationships with anyone because I don’t know who they are. Luckily, this doesn’t affect my work. Starting a year ago, I’ve been working remotely as a programmer and only come in for team meetings. And through pure luck, I can recognize most of my team by sight. So it’s not a problem in my work, because everything else takes place through IM or conference calls. I still live only 20 minutes away and I would love to come to the office more, but I don’t know how to handle this. I’m afraid people outside my team think I’m rude or standoffish because I never initiate conversation. When I was just starting out, I’d ask “getting to know you” questions and stuff like that. But now people know a lot about me, but I can’t remember which medium-sized white man I talked to yesterday at lunch or which tall man with the grey hair is our department head. And I could ask, but unless they have a distinctive physical feature, I won’t remember them tomorrow when they change clothes. Is this worth bringing up with my manager? It’s affecting whether I feel comfortable coming into work, but I can work just fine remotely. And there’s not really anything I can do about it. In my personal life, I tell everyone that I’m face blind on our second meeting, when they remember me and I’m clueless. My script is something like “Don’t take it personally. I’m just face blind — my brain can’t remember faces. I can’t even recognize my partner when she changes her hair.” Is that something that I could say at work, or is the fact that I’ve been here for a year and a half too long to speak up? I was hoping that I wouldn’t have a problem with it, because everyone has lanyards with their names, but those are usually obscured by clothing/furniture. That script is absolutely suitable for work. It's a good one because the detail about your partner really emphasizes that this more than just having trouble remembering people you don’t see often. And yes, tell your manager! You can frame it as, "I haven't raised it because it hasn't affected my work, but I've noticed it's making me hesitant to come into the office more often because I don't want anyone to think I'm being rude to them. So I wanted to at least fill you in and will probably fill in others as well." And since she might wonder if you're asking her to do anything in particular, you could add, "I'm not asking for any accommodations; I'm just letting you know since my inability to recognize people could seem off if you didn't know that context." 4. My coworker can't remember my name A coworker, Jane, who's in a different department but same division within a university, can’t seem to remember my name. Not only does she call me by various wrong names but she also announces pretty much every time I see her that she can’t remember my name. This would probably slightly annoy me in any situation, but this one is especially weird. A few months ago, my boss (who is casual friends with Jane) was supposed to drive her to and from a minor surgical appointment that required anesthesia and prevented her from driving. Jane has been in town for about a year but hasn’t made many friends yet, so she didn’t have many options. Then, my boss got invited to a meeting he couldn’t miss and asked if I would pick Jane up and drive her home, after making sure this was fine with Jane. I empathize with living away from family and friends, so I was happy to help. I waited at the clinic for at least 30 minutes, went in and got discharge instructions from the doctor (which was awkward!), and then drove her home. We don’t work closely together and maybe see each other once a month or so, but it seems truly bizarre that my name is the only one she can’t seem to remember out of my small team. I am wondering if (1) there is something else going on here other than just forgetfulness and (2) if I can say anything that doesn’t sound rude? She just came in and did it again and I can tell I am losing my patience and wanting to generally avoid her. This is an interesting juxtaposition with the letter about face-blindness above. Who can say what's going on with Jane … but it sounds like your annoyance is stemming from feeling like Jane isn't bothering to remember your name. And that's possible! But it's also possible there's something else in play — which could be anything from a neurological condition to you looking like someone associated with trauma in her life. Who knows! But someone deliberately not retaining your name in order to signal "I do not find you important" would be pretty unusual. Not impossible, but unusual — and with so many other possibilities that could explain it, it's better for your peace of mind (and certainly kinder to her) to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume whatever's going on with her isn't an intentional slight. 5. When people ask for networking help I can't give I work at a desirable employer in my field, where openings are few and far between and competition for jobs can be fierce. I have been here for a little under one year. I recognize that I am extremely lucky to work here, and would happily support any trusted former colleagues in getting hired at my institution if I had the influence to do so. People do come knocking from time to time to see if I can put in a good word for them. I don’t mind this generally, but my workplace is enormous (thousands of employees) and I often do not have a direct connection to whatever area they are trying to get hired in. My scope of influence is pretty limited to the area I currently work in, especially considering I’m relatively new. But all of my former workplaces have been much smaller, so some of these folks might think I have more pull than I actually do. To add to this, I have one former colleague who I’m afraid might be forming a habit of "intro’ing” me over email to people I don’t know who have applied for jobs here to see if I can help them get hired. Both times it’s been departments I have nothing to do with, so I can’t provide help, but I feel very put on the spot to have to respond to someone I’ve never heard of to let them know I can’t help them. I feel like any way I respond to these inquiries, it will come off that I’m not doing enough to help. How can I deal with these inquiries, and should I be doing more to pass along people’s resumes? What is my obligation to former colleagues (and their friends) and how can I kindly let them know I don’t have the connections needed without damaging my professional relationships by seeming unwilling to go the extra mile? Am I just being too neurotic about this? Let the person who's done it multiple times know what you can do. For example: "If you ever know anyone who's applying in the X department, that's something I might be able to help with so definitely let me know in that case. But it's so huge here that I don't really have influence outside of our team — and even within the X department, I'm not involved in hiring and so am limited in what I can do, although I might be able to answer questions the person has." Or you could be more blunt: "We get a lot of competition for openings here and I can't recommend someone I haven't worked with. I can answer questions if they have them, but that's the extent of my influence right now." And even if you could help someone get hired, you shouldn't do that if you don't know the person's work firsthand and can vouch for them. You're putting your own reputation on the line when you recommend someone, and that's not something you should do as a favor for a mutual contact; your recommendations need to be based on really thinking someone would be a strong match. Even if you're just passing along resumes without any particular recommendation — it doesn't make sense to do that unless you think the person is strong, because if you develop a pattern of passing along mediocre candidates, (a) your future recommendations will have much less weight and (b) it can reflect on your judgment in general. You can offer to answer questions about what it's like to work there if you want to, but there isn't a lot to offer beyond that. my boss wants me to microblade my eyebrows, company blocked all streaming, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| a company rescinded my job offer after I asked for more time to think it over Posted: 18 Nov 2019 10:59 AM PST A reader writes: I received a job offer on a Tuesday and they wanted to know whether I’d accept by that Friday. Thursday rolls around, and I’m still unsure, as my current company had produced a counteroffer to keep me. I sent an email to the company that offered me the job, asking if I could have until Monday to think about it. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal, since this was a Monday through Friday job, and the weekends wouldn’t count as business days. I thought the worst they could say was, "No, we really need to know by Friday.” (And just FYI, I did not mention the counteroffer from my current company.) Instead, they completely rescinded the offer, over me asking for one weekend to think it over. Is this normal? It completely took me by surprise! The short answer is no, having an offer pulled when you ask for a few more days isn’t normal. The longer answer is that there might have been other things going on. If they already had the impression that you weren't particularly enthusiastic about the job, that might have been solidified when you asked for more time after the initial time you’d asked for was gone — and made them think, "Nah, we've got other good candidates we'd be happy to offer it to, and who seem a lot more invested in doing the work." The same thing could be true if they'd had other doubts — like if they weren't 100% sold on you but made the offer anyway (which sometimes happens if they're feeling pressure to hire but haven't found someone precisely right yet). The most likely explanation, though, is that the way you asked for more time is what put them off. They'd already given you several days, and asking for more time on the day they expected your answer without explaining why could have come across as if you weren't very interested. With no other explanation, it likely sounded like you were waiting on another offer or (as in fact was the case) negotiating a counteroffer with your current employer. They're not going to be thrilled about giving you more time — and possibly losing their other top candidates during the wait — if it's just so you can negotiate a better deal from your current job. When you're asking for additional time to think over an offer after already having been given some time, it'll usually go over better if you explain why — like "I'm very interested, but I just found out about something happening in my family that might affect my availability and I want to make sure that won't be an obstacle." Or, if you'd only been given a short period of time (like a day) to think it over, "I need to run the numbers and make sure this works on my end." (That one doesn't work when you've already had most of the week though.) Without an explanation, it comes across as either “I’m waiting on another offer I’d like better” or "I just haven't been able to make myself that interested in saying yes" — and that's pretty unappealing to a company that has other candidates they'd happily hire if you don't work out. To be clear, asking for time to think over an offer is normal. The issue here is (maybe) that you asked for time, it passed, and then you asked for more time without giving any context. The thing that I think tripped you up here was the counteroffer. Accepting a counteroffer from your current company is usually (not always, but usually) a bad idea. Employers often make them in a moment of panic about losing someone at a bad time, but once they've succeeded in keeping you, being the person who was looking to leave can change the relationship in ways you don't want (like landing you at the top of the list if they need to make cuts in future, since you were "looking to leave anyway"). If you'd stay at your company if they gave you a raise, it's generally better to try to make that happen before you're at the point of fielding offers from other companies. Plus, if it takes a counteroffer to get paid what you're worth, think about what it means to work for a company that makes you have one foot out the door before they'll pay you fairly. And if it's not about the money, then whatever factors drove you to search in the first place are still going to be there once the glow from the raise wears off. In this case, the counteroffer also muddied your thinking about whether you wanted the new job or not. That’s not to say it’s not sensible to compare two competing offers and take time to think them over — it is — but in this case it sounds like the timing messed up the process you were in with the other company. a company rescinded my job offer after I asked for more time to think it over was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| asking for a raise is easier than you think Posted: 18 Nov 2019 09:29 AM PST With lots of employers doing performance reviews and year-end raises this month, now is a good time to ask for a raise. But will you? I've been shocked – horrified, really – by how many people tell me they never ask for raises. Some people rely on their company's system of merit raises (or worse, cost-of-living raises, which tend to be lower) and just take what they're offered rather than ever requesting more. Others work at companies that don't do regular salary reviews and thus go on for years at the same salary, rather than broach the issue. And yes, asking for a raise can be nerve-wracking! But people who don't ask are leaving huge amounts of money on the table, to the tune of thousands of dollars a year. At Slate today, I wrote about why people don’t ask, why they should, and how to do it. You can read it here. asking for a raise is easier than you think was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| my awful coworker is also my roommate Posted: 18 Nov 2019 07:59 AM PST A reader writes: Six months ago, I started a new job at a big tech company and needed to move for work. I made the decision to move in with a coworker, Sansa, who happened to have a room open up at her place shortly after I was hired. Sansa and I work in different departments and while I sometimes work with her supervisor, I rarely if ever have to interact with her directly, so I thought the potential for drama would be minimal, especially since we are both in our thirties. Big mistake! Sansa is pathologically immature and entitled, and that has played out in various negative ways in our work and home life. She has settled into a pattern of making a significant request of me or our other roommate and then — when we deny the request — throwing a fit in the the form of several long, stream of consciousness rants that she sends me through text or (company!) email during work hours. One one occasion, the rant was related to a work project. In that instance, I forwarded her weird ranting emails to her project leader and they presumably had a talk because I have not had a work-related complaint from Sansa since. However, she continues to harangue me about non-work-related gripes while we are both at work. This week’s drama was that she sent me several pages worth of pissy text messages because the other roommate and I declined to split the cost of a pricey laundry delivery service she wanted to hire for our house. I texted her back asking her to stop sending me angry messages while we are at work (because it is highly distracting!) and of course she continued to rant at me anyway. I have tried to have a come-to-Jesus talk with her head-on but she has developed a tactic of avoiding me and hiding in her room so we have never spoken in person about any of her weird rants. A friend recently pointed out that since Sansa’s angry messages are being sent during work hours, this is an HR issue. I don’t want to compound this problem by involving other people at work, but based on her behavior so far I fully expect her to escalate. And I have to admit her crazy rants affect my productivity negatively. (To be clear, I don't feel threatened, just drained.) Fortunately she is not in a position where she could greatly hinder my ability to do my job or put my job in jeopardy. She could badmouth me to coworkers (I’m sure she already is) but I don’t work closely enough with her or her immediate peers to know if she would be taken seriously. I’m most worried about the message blasts becoming more frequent or hostile or new forms of aggression cropping up at work that make my day-to-day a lot harder to get through. Do I need to alert her supervisor or mine to the weird dynamic going on here to cover my own butt in case this gets worse? Do I just trust that her astounding immaturity and penchant for over-the-top demands have already been observed by my coworkers and if this ever becomes a bigger issue they will likely already know she is the problem? If I decide I can’t take it anymore and move out, is that something I will need to report to my company? So she bombards you with pages worth of angry messages, but then ducks you at home so she doesn't have to discuss any of them in person? That particular element of this drama might be a blessing. It sounds like you potentially could ignore all her messages, and she'll never raise any of her issues in person, which might be relatively delightful. Although if you stop responding in text or email, maybe that will nudge her to start talking face-to-face instead … and that's probably not an improvement. Honestly, I'd seriously consider blocking her texts (or at least muting them so you're not getting notifications when they arrive). I'm guessing you shouldn’t block her on your work email, but it might help to filter her email messages into a folder that you only look at once a day or so, at a time of your choosing (perhaps after work while you have a glass of wine in hand), so your work day isn't getting constantly interrupted by angry tirades. Another option, of course, is to tell her directly that she can't text or email you about house-related stuff while you're at work, or that you'll need to ignore anything she sends during the workday. But she sounds relatively impervious to that kind of direction. Anyway … to your questions. It's true that your employer wouldn't want her doing this if they knew about it. But it's also true that it won't necessarily reflect well on you to go to your employer with what might be seen as just roommate drama — especially if you're not actively working on moving out. If you do decide to move out (and you should, which I’ll get to) and she's continuing to harass you during that process, at that point it might make sense to give your manager a heads-up — something like, "I feel like I should let you know that I've been having some issues with Sansa. I moved in with her soon after I started, and it's gone badly — she regularly sends me long, angry messages through text or company email while we're at work. I've repeatedly asked her not to, but it's continued. I'm working on moving out, but it's at the point where I felt like I should say something in case her behavior escalates.” You don't need to do that though, and whether or not to probably depends on how you worry she might escalate. One thing to be aware of is that if you do talk to your boss, your employer might tell Sansa she needs to stop spending work time on this — which in theory would be good, but in reality may drive her to another outlet, which might mean it comes into your home in a more disruptive way. You could try to head that off by saying to your manager, "I'm not asking you to take any action — in fact, I'm asking you not to, because I'm concerned that could make my living situation worse while I'm still there. At this point I'm just making you aware in case she does escalate at work in some way." But that's no guarantee that your manager won't feel obligated to act anyway. Really, though, the best thing you can do is to move out as soon as possible. This is not someone who you should share living space with. Her behavior is unstable, and the work connection makes it even worse. (And to answer your question on that, you're not under any obligation to report that to your company when you do move out, although it might make sense to give your boss a heads-up that Sansa isn't taking your departure well and you're concerned that may show up at work in some way.) my awful coworker is also my roommate was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| You are subscribed to email updates from Ask a Manager. To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now. | Email delivery powered by Google |
| Google, 1600 Amphitheatre Parkway, Mountain View, CA 94043, United States | |
