“talking to a coworker about a negative colleague, manager was annoyed that I didn’t come in during an ice storm, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager
“talking to a coworker about a negative colleague, manager was annoyed that I didn’t come in during an ice storm, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager |
- talking to a coworker about a negative colleague, manager was annoyed that I didn’t come in during an ice storm, and more
- how do I follow up with people who are bad at responding to work emails?
- my boss is a jerk — how do I deal with her?
- I’m hypersensitive to criticism — how do I fix this?
| Posted: 27 Feb 2018 09:03 PM PST It's five answers to five questions. Here we go… 1. Talking to a young colleague about a negative coworker I’m currently working for about a month in a new company in a temporary position (ends in April, and I’m pregnant, so not definitely not staying) and I have two direct/close coworkers: Arya, who is brand new to the working world and started at this company in September, and Sansa, who has been working here for about four years. I’m nine years older than Arya and four years older than Sansa and have been working in different positions for a little over ten years, so I have quite a bit more experience than both of them. Arya just found out she can stay at this company (she was a temp like me), which she’s happy about. The problem here is that Sansa has a pretty negative personality. She constantly sighs, says she’s overworked, management never listens to her, every decision they take is wrong, you know the drill. I haven’t seen anything here that doesn’t seem to be the case almost everywhere. Yes, communication could be better, hierarchy can be very annoying (this is a giant international company, lots of rules) and so on. But honestly, it really seems fine compared to some places, if not better. Sansa now has a habit of dragging Arya with her in the complaining, keeps telling her all things that are "wrong," and so on. Arya, being so new to working, believes everything Sansa says. This worries me a bit. I would like to talk to Arya, tell her that she should be careful in listening to Sansa and perhaps taking things with a grain of salt. I wouldn’t want her to become as negative as Sansa, because it could really hold her back in moving up in this company or in her career in general. Is that something I could do? And if so, how best to frame it so I don’t sound like I’m accusing Sansa of anything (I understand being frustrated sometimes, but constant complaining really won’t help) or saying she’s just wrong (I don’t know if she is, it’s just that she doesn’t seem to want solutions, only problems)? How's your rapport with Arya? If you have a pretty good relationship with her, I do think you can discreetly say something to her. Not a big DON’T LISTEN TO SANSA, SHE IS TOXIC lecture, but something along the lines of: "Hey, for what it's worth, I think you're great and so I wanted to say this to you in case it's helpful. I've noticed that Sansa seems pretty unhappy here, and talks about the company as if it's a disaster. But in case it's helpful to you to hear another perspective, I don't see it. Sure, communication could be better and the hierarchy can be annoying at times, but these are pretty normal frustrations that you're going to find anywhere. I think it can be tough to know what's normal and what isn't normal when you're just starting out, and so I wanted to tell you — the stuff I hear Sansa complaining about is not stuff that would normally be considered a big deal." And then leave it there — let her do with that whatever she wants, including potentially nothing. But you'll have planted a seed, and you may not see evidence of it immediately taking root, but it may be in there somewhere. 2. Should I let my boss know I'm receiving threats on the job? I recently began working as a community manager for a popular video game. I am an avid player myself and can relate to many of the members in the community. However, I have gotten some messages directed at me that have me feeling cautious. Some examples would be: A lot of this is due to the community being frustrated with the game and taking it out on the most visible person they see (me). I can handle the negativity, but I wonder if I should forward some of these messages to my boss or perhaps HR? I don't feel that I'm in danger, but part of my role does include live events. In case anything did happen, I'd like for there to be some documentation. I am just unsure what is the recommended way to go about that. Talk to your boss! Explain the types of messages you've received, and ask what sorts of things she wants you to escalate or alert someone else to. Ideally you'd have a protocol for handling this stuff (covering not just reporting, but also when/whether to ban people, etc.) If there's isn't one yet, say you'd like to develop one with her input. Some of this may come with the territory, but you need to know that you have a system in place to deal with it, and your boss should be involved (or at least consulted) in creating that. Sorry you're dealing with this. 3. My manager was annoyed I couldn't drive to work during an ice storm I have gotten my first job at 18 and this past week we experienced an unexpected ice storm in Texas. I called my boss telling her I feel uncomfortable driving and my car was frozen at about 9:30. She then said "You are not scheduled till 1:45. It is going to become 35 when you are scheduled.” I then said, “I still feel uncomfortable driving in these conditions because I have never driven in ice and snow.” She said "Okay," huffed, and hung up. I have been working there for almost a year and never have called in before but she was extremely rude to me! Should I be worried about it? Or brush it off because now she has to find someone else? I also called in at 9:30 so she had time to find someone! I'm extremely upset and stressed! Well … in general your boss is going to expect you to be at work even in bad weather, unless your weather is producing truly unusual, unsafe conditions. Typically "I've never driven in ice and snow" isn't really going to fly as a reasonable excuse; if you're living somewhere that gets ice and snow, the expectation is that you're going to figure out a way to drive in it or make different arrangements to get yourself to work, like taking a cab. (Plus, I think your boss's point was that in several hours, it was going to have melted anyway, but if snow is unusual in your area you might not have realized that.) That said, you're 18 and you're in a place that doesn't typically get much snow, which I think is relevant here. Employers who are hiring 18-year-olds should know that they're hiring people who are at the very start of figuring this kind of thing out, and they shouldn't necessarily want nervous, inexperienced teenage drivers driving to work in icy conditions that they're not used to. So while I can see why your manager was annoyed, I also think she should have been somewhat accommodating — but also would be in the right to tell you that this is something you'll need to figure out for next time (even if that just means taking Lyft or getting a ride with someone else). 4. Running into a candidate we rejected I work in a profession where those of us in it are likely to run into each other at a lot of local and national get-togethers. My question is about how to deal with running into people who were rejected from searches I was involved with. I really put my foot in it recently when I asked someone if we’d met, and then when she heard what company I’m with, she said “Oh, I interviewed for a job there.” I then said “OH! That’s where I know you from! I was on that search committee!” and felt terrible. I tried to recover with “we had a lot of good candidates in that search,” and she said it wasn’t the right fit for her anyway. But do you have general advice about how to handle these encounters? I’ve been on both sides and it never seems to go well. It's good to just be matter of fact about it — and definitely not apologetic, since if you sound apologetic, it's likely to make the other person think you're feeling pity or general awkwardness about the situation. Really, the best thing is to convert the interview in your head to just a standard business meeting and just say the things you'd say if you ran into someone from a non-interview meeting. So that means things like "good to see you again" and "how are you?" but not "you were a good candidate" or "it was a competitive search" or any other interview-specific talk. In other words, don't feel like you have to explain or soothe! Just treat them like any other contact. Most people will appreciate that. 5. My boss wants my coworker and me to collaborate more, but it doesn't make sense for our work The small department where I work is me, Boss, and Coworker. In individual conversations, Boss has told both me and Coworker multiple times that she wants us to "collaborate" more. This is confusing to me and Coworker. For one thing, we have quite different skill sets — think teapot painting vs teapot inventory control, so there are relatively few projects that make sense for both of us to work on. For another thing, Coworker and I get along great! We communicate well and have a good working relationship. In fact, we get along much better with each other than either of us does with our boss, who is very disorganized. Are there opportunities or reasons for collaboration that Coworker and I just aren't seeing? How should we respond if our boss brings this up again? It's possible that your manager is seeing areas where one or both of your work would be improved by more collaboration with the other … but it's also possible that she just feels like Collaboration Is Good and hasn't fully thought through exactly what she wants you to do or whether it makes sense for you. I'd ask her to tell you more about what she's hoping you'll do. You could say something like, "Can you say more about where you see room for us to collaborate more? My sense is that we do communicate well and have a good working relationship, and I don't know that I see obvious areas for additional collaboration — but I'm wondering if there's something specific you have in mind or a problem you're hoping to solve?" talking to a coworker about a negative colleague, manager was annoyed that I didn’t come in during an ice storm, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| how do I follow up with people who are bad at responding to work emails? Posted: 27 Feb 2018 10:59 AM PST A reader writes: I work in academia at a relatively large university and I’m often getting in contact with people I don’t know, about research issues. I’m relatively new in the field and there is some business etiquette that I’m just unsure of. I’ve found that lots of people are realllllllly bad at responding promptly to emails. It’s a notorious issue in my field. I understand this can happen for a million different reasons. But what is the best way of following up with these types of people who are not great at responding promptly (if at all)? Although I deal with this pretty regularly, the specific instance I’m in right now is that I was trying to get ahold of Jane for two weeks by phone and her email is unlisted, so this was my only point of contact. I left a message and she never returned it. I finally caught her via phone and we discussed what needed to be discussed. She told me to email her and she or her assistant would follow up. I emailed, and now it’s a week later and I’m at the point I need to follow up with her. Now Jane is the only person who can give me the sign-off I need, so there is no alternate contact person for me to go to. I NEED to follow up, but striking the right balance so I don’t come off as being pushy or annoyed, or annoying Jane with my multiple attempts at contact is difficult. Could you recommend some email/phone scripts for dealing with this issue? Some people who get behind on messages will be grateful and apologetic when you politely follow up. Others will seem put upon. There's not a lot you can do to control against the latter, so I'd just stay friendly and polite about it, unless you reach a point where you truly need to escalate in tone (in situations where you can; you can't do that with everyone). So, basic scripts, for either phone or email: First follow-up: "Hey, Jane — I wanted to check back with you about X. I need to get your okay by (day) because (reason). Can you give me a quick yes or no so I can move this forward? Thanks!" Second follow-up: "Sorry to be a pain — I've got this on hold until I hear back from you, but our deadline is looming. If there's an easier way for me to get this from you, I'm glad to do it — just let me know. I'm going to leave you a voicemail too, just in case that's a better way to get you." (Or if this is a voicemail, say you're going to email as well. In other words, just use both methods at this point.) If this still doesn't get you the response you need, how to proceed depends on who you're dealing with and how important the thing is. If you're dealing with someone senior to you and it's quite important, at this point it will often make sense to let your boss know what's going on. She may be able to step in and wrangle the answer you need (sometimes because her messages will be returned more promptly, and sometimes because she might be able to go over the person's head). If the person is not senior to you, sometimes it can make sense to go over their head yourself — although depending on your organization's culture, that might never be done, or might only be done with your boss's approval, or other cultural variations that you'll want to take into account. A big point I want to make here is that if someone doesn't respond to your initial attempt(s) at contact, at some point in your follow-ups you should try a different method (phone, email, or even stopping by in person). This doesn't apply in the situation in your letter, but so, so often I've heard junior staff say "I've been trying and trying to reach Fergus von Livermore, and he hasn't gotten back to me" … and then at some point it comes out that they've just been emailing the person repeatedly, and haven't tried picking up the phone. If someone is not answering your emails and you need a response from them, at some point (like after the second email goes unanswered), you need to try calling. Not doing that, especially if it's just because you don't like the phone, is a surefire way to frustrate your boss and make her wonder What Is Wrong With You. Now, back to your case. Jane has an assistant! Excellent. Contact that person and say this: "Jane told me that either she or you would get back to me about X. I've followed up with her but haven't received a reply, and I need to move forward on X. Any chance you can help?" Assistants can be super useful for this kind of thing, and they're often more responsive than their bosses. how do I follow up with people who are bad at responding to work emails? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| my boss is a jerk — how do I deal with her? Posted: 27 Feb 2018 09:30 AM PST A reader writes: I’m writing about an ongoing issue I have with my immediate boss – let's call her Ann. Ann is a national leader in our industry, is the only person at our institution with the authority to approve my team's work, and is pretty much my exclusive point of contact for all my training. Given that I have only been in this field for less than a year, she and I have had to work on every one of my assignments together. But I’m not the only one she manages. There are a handful of other staffers who also need her step-by-step approval for all their work. So, suffice to say, Ann is very, very busy. That being said, Ann is very detailed in making corrections to our work. To be fair, I am aware of my gaps in knowledge. I try to use her corrections on my work as an opportunity to improve for next time. I have learned that, in most cases, it isn’t helpful to explain why I made the mistake but to listen to the correction, say “thank you,” and take note for future cases. However, it’s becoming difficult to use her criticism to do better on future projects. She interrupts or talks over me and my fellow staff constantly even when we are answering her questions. I use the templates she provides without making many changes but, when sent for her approval, it is "unreadable." She has asked me to email people on her behalf with requests but then, when they balk, she jumps in to say I’m still in training and won’t make requests like that again. I get corrected on minor issues, like the manner in which I've saved our documents, in front of people outside of our team who don't even have access to our files. Sometimes, instead of providing the small clarification I ask for, she goes back to square one of my job training and starts explaining my fundamental tasks again. In some cases, her wording is hurtful. Recently, I went to her office to ask a question about a project we’ve both been involved in and, about fifteen seconds into describing the situation, she interrupted with “I didn’t realize this would be a question I’d have to listen to fully. Start over.” At a team meeting a couple of weeks ago, one of my coworkers called her out (politely) on the way she talks to us. He was providing an update on his work to our team and she interrupted to explain it to us all instead. In response, my colleague said, “You just repeated what I said, just as I said it. I want you to know that this can appear condescending and you should be aware of that when speaking to teams who aren’t us.” At this point, I don’t see Ann's tactics changing. There is no one in our organization who does the work she does, and there are very few people willing to call her out. Do you know of any helpful tips that might help me deal with this kind of management style better? Are there ways to still stay motivated with work even though I know it’ll likely get undercut before approved? You can read my answer to this letter at New York Magazine today. Head over there to read it. my boss is a jerk — how do I deal with her? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| I’m hypersensitive to criticism — how do I fix this? Posted: 27 Feb 2018 07:59 AM PST A reader writes: I am currently working as a receptionist for the next few months until I complete my schooling. I have been dealing with what I can only describe as hypersensitivity when it comes to feedback or criticism about my work. When I hear that something was done incorrectly by me, I panic and cannot seem to separate the professional criticism and help from the feeling of being personally attacked or mocked. I have been trying to be more objective, but it’s hard when I’m caught off-guard by feedback, especially if it’s delivered on an on-going basis over the phone. This once resulted in me crying in front of the office manager. For what it’s worth, I won’t be working in a people-facing position in my career after I complete school, but learning to take feedback is an invaluable skill. What can I do to stop being a wreck and take these critiques in stride? I wrote back to this letter-writer and asked: Can I ask you some follow-up questions to help me better answer this? 1. How did you handle feedback on your work in school? Same as this or different? Or were you always so good at school that you got mainly positive feedback? (It’s really common for people in that boat to then have a tough time with work feedback later.) 2. I hope this isn’t too personal, but did you by any chance come from a family were you were heavily criticized if you showed weakness or didn’t get something “right”? Often what you’re describing can have its roots in that. It is impressive how well these two questions peg my personality type (I’m also an chronic apologizer and worrier, in case you hadn’t guessed!). I was probably the best student in all of my classes, which made subpar feedback seem much worse as I had little comparison material. I would also get needlessly anxious anytime I thought I may be in trouble — whether at home or at school — and experienced intense physiological symptoms like blood leaving my face, light-headedness, and a racing heartbeat anytime I faced a “talking-to” because the of the emotional fallout and disappointment (over often trivial matters) at home and standards were very competitive in my family. So … that's basically our answer. You grew up in a home where you faced inappropriate levels of judgment and disappointment over minor things, and that wired you to experience it as a very big deal when you hear feedback that isn't positive. Your reaction as a kid actually made sense — the criticism you were getting at the time was too heavy-handed and probably scary. It's horrible for a kid to feel that their missteps will bring intense disappointment from the people whose approval they crave and who they're dependent on for survival and for a general sense of safety in the world. So being very upset by that was warranted! And I'm sure you reached a point where the criticism didn't even have to be bad for you to have an intense emotional reaction — because you so strongly associated it with awful feelings from so many times before. The problem is that you're still carrying around those reactions now, when they no longer apply to the situation you're in. This is the root of a ton of family-of-origin dysfunction; we learn reactions when we're small that made sense for our situations then, but we keep using them as adults when they no longer do. So, how do you deal with it? Therapy, probably! A good therapist can help you unravel this and re-wire the way you respond (and hopefully give you a lot of emotional freedom from those days that will feel fantastic). But since that's a longer-term fix, in the short-term try to get really clear in your head about where your reactions to criticism are coming from — that it's not from the current-day situation, but from something much older, and from a situation you're no longer in — and that a manager giving input on your work is a different thing than what your reactions are actually rooted in, and is not in fact a challenge to your fundamental safety in the world. Sometimes clearly seeing that your reaction isn't really about what's in front of you and realizing "ah, this is my own crap” can take some of the power out of the emotions behind it. Also, if you do have an obviously emotional reaction to criticism from a manager, like crying, you can say something in the moment or soon after like, "I sometimes have a stronger-than-I'd like reaction to criticism, but please know that doesn't mean I don't want to hear it! I really value getting feedback, and I appreciate you giving it to me." You could add, "And I'm working on getting the visible reaction under control." (Also, maybe read this about how your manager is probably thinking of it when she needs to give you critical feedback.) One great sign is that you want feedback, at least intellectually. You're open to it, and you know it's a normal thing. You've just got to recalibrate your reactions to it when it arrives at work, versus in the much more personal, high-stakes context of your family. (And ideally you'll recalibrate it with your family too, but damn that's harder.) I’m hypersensitive to criticism — how do I fix this? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
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