coworker wants to be called “Doctor,” paid job trials, and more Ask a Manager

coworker wants to be called “Doctor,” paid job trials, and more

Posted: 30 Aug 2020 09:03 PM PDT

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Coworker wants us to call her "Doctor”

I have a coworker who is very weird, and she recently completed an online doctorate in business administration from a for-profit University of Phoenix sort of situation. Since obtaining her degree, she insists that we refer to her as “Doctor” if anyone other than our immediate team is present. So, that’s what we’ve been doing, but it’s very hard not to let the eyes roll when her name comes up. Should we do anything about this? It’s like the Maestro situation in Seinfeld.

(And everyone else here is on a first-name basis with each other. Even the psychiatrist who works with us makes us call him by his first name!)

When you’re all on a first-name basis, that’s obnoxious and pretentious. Ideally her manager would explain to her that it's out of sync with the office culture, maybe pointing out that you don't use honorifics at all in your office.

I generally take a pretty hard-line stance on calling people what they want to be called when it's a first name. This isn't about her name, but rather her title. She didn't want to be Ms. LastName before her doctorate. It’s about the honorific, and she’s trying to insist on an honorific in an office that doesn't use them, and where everyone uses first names.

One caveat: I would potentially change my stance if she's in a context where she feels marginalized and has to work extra hard to be taken seriously because of her sex or race. There's a long history of people in that situation deliberately using honorifics to make a point / as a sort of shield.

2. My coworkers keep talking about trips they're taking during Covid

We are fully remote now, and we have started using "ice-breakers” to kick off our phone or video meetings. Everyone is expected to participate. The questions are often about travel, or where we’d like to go when the pandemic is over. But some of my coworkers (including big bosses and lower level staff) are already traveling recreationally. Not just a weekend camping trip nearby, but interstate road trips and cross-country travel, sometimes by air.

I originally decided to keep my thoughts to myself, but it’s hard not to speak up when we are required to talk about travel. I want to say that it’s hard for me to talk about trips I would like to take when the pandemic is over while people in the same meeting are traveling as if the pandemic is over. I know many of my other coworkers feel scared and disappointed like I do, but saying something to the travelers feels cruel, judgmental, and confrontational. I understand that not everyone assesses risks the same way. Am I crazy for staying home, ordering my groceries delivered, and telling family and friends I must wait to visit them? I’m lonely and wish I could take a big vacation. But I don’t think it’s safe or responsible. Do I just have to grin and bear it when coworkers return with photos and stories of the great times they had?

No, you're not wrong for the actions you're taking to keep yourself and others safe. (I'm taking the same ones.) But yeah, there's not much you can do when others talk about their trips. And keep in mind that while some people undoubtedly are just being reckless, some are probably making calculations based on factors you're not privy to (like a family situation you don't know the details of).

There's nothing wrong, though, with saying when it's your turn, "Honestly, it's hard for me to even think about travel right now with all the risk factors, so I'll sit this one out."

Also, repeatedly focusing these "ice-breakers" around current travel is a weird choice, and you wouldn't be out of line to ask whoever runs them to consider a different topic.

3. Recruiter set up a call with me without saying it was a sales call

This past week I was approached by a recruiter on LinkedIn, and accepted their invitation for a 30-minute phone call. My profile indicates that I’m open to being approached by recruiters, so I thought — rather naively, I feel a bit silly typing this! — that they were calling to discuss my background and potential employment opportunities. Instead, the phone call was about how my department functions and what their company could offer me if I used their services.

This particular recruitment company is well known and respected so I’m not concerned about social engineering; I also kept my answers politely vague and didn’t reveal anything that wasn’t public information. Still, I’m curious how I should have handled this. Should I have explained that my company is unlikely to use external recruiters? Should I have tried to pivot and reveal my own interest in moving on from my current role? Should I have done what I did and gone peacefully through the phone call in the name of professional networking? I am a young professional and feel my age is showing in a bad way.

Don't feel naive or silly; most people would assume, upon being contacted by a recruiter, that the recruiter wanted to talk to them about a job. If the recruiter didn't make it clear this would be a sales call, that's actually rather sleazy.

The best thing to do would have been to say, immediately upon the topic becoming clear, "Oh, I misunderstood the purpose of the call! My team doesn't use outside recruiters at all." They will then attempt to continue selling you (that's what they do) and you could say, "No, I'm sorry — we don't use outside recruiters, so this won't be a useful call. I'm sorry about that!" And if they push even after that, you should feel free to end the call abruptly (as in, "It's really not something I can help with, I hope you have a good day, goodbye" and hang up). If you aren't involved in hiring, you could throw that in at the start too — "I don't do any hiring, and I'm not sure who handles it" … because otherwise they'll try to get you to refer them to whoever does. (You could also compress this into two rounds of “no” instead of three, but I’m writing it as three because a lot of people feel rude if they go to “I’m hanging up” that quickly.)

I suppose in theory you could have tried to pitch them on you as a candidate but (a) recruiters generally only go after specific profiles that fit jobs they're working on filling, as opposed to looking for a job that will fit you, and (b) if this recruiter wasn't up-front about the purpose of the call, they're not likely to be a person you'd want representing you anyway.

4. Should I offer a paid job trial before hiring people?

I am hiring for a job doing office work, answering phones, filing, and dealing with customers. I would like to have a paid job trial period where I can assess the competency of new employees. I will pay $13/hour during the trial period of, say, 30 days. If said employee fits, I would hire them with a higher wage ($15), but with the understanding that the trial period may or may not end in employment. We'd agree at the outset on pay, hours, and responsibilities. Is there a minimum length of the trial? Under 30 days? 14 days?

It's not a great way to hire. It means that you won't be able to hire anyone who's already employed (because no one would quit a job for work that could end after a few weeks), and you probably will miss out on the strongest of your unemployed candidates too (because it's not an appealing proposition to strong candidates). You'll also be investing in training people who you haven't committed to, when training takes a huge amount of time and energy.

I imagine you're considering this because you don't feel confident about your ability to identify the right candidate through an interview process alone. It's true that no interview process is perfect — there will always be occasional hires who don't work out — but if you create a strong process, your chances should be pretty good. That means rigorous screening questions that delve deeply into the must-have's for the role, exercises that let you see candidates in action, and rigorous reference checks. It's more work up-front but it'll likely save you significant time in the long run.

5. How do I keep therapy private in a nosy office?

I work in an academic setting with a small, overly close group of people (“We’re like a family!”) This has led to some predictable but also horrifying breaches of confidence — like my boss Harriet announcing to the weekly all-staff meeting that a coworker was absent because of a specific, intensely personal medical procedure, or Harriet and most of the staff widely discussing another coworker’s mental health issues and what antidepressants she was prescribed. I know, it’s pretty bad. HR is too disconnected from us to be any help, and this behavior is pretty in line with the culture of this industry. I cope by keeping my head down, being warm but professional, and not sharing details of my personal life.

My issue is that I’m in weekly therapy. I can’t make weekend appointments. I used to try to schedule appointments after work, which was difficult, or just say I had a doctor’s appointment, or just not say anything and go and come back. Now that we’re remote, Harriet constantly schedules surprise all-day meetings at the drop of a hat (“everyone, meet on Zoom in half an hour!”). My therapist tries to be flexible, but there is a 24-hour cancellation policy. My excuse that I have a doctor’s appointment is getting increasingly difficult, as people ask if I’m okay and straight up ask why I have doctor’s appointments so often. In past jobs, I’ve been open and said I have therapy, but due to the rampant boundary crossing in this one, I don’t feel comfortable doing that. Is there a standard way to handle this in a functional workplace, and can it be adapted to a severely dysfunctional one?

You don't even necessarily need to specify that it's a doctor's appointment — when you're explaining that you can't make a last-minute meeting, it's okay to just say, "I have an appointment that I can't move.” If you're pressed about what it is, say, "It's medical." If someone asks why you have doctor's appointments so often (which is rude), you can say, "It's medical so I don't want to talk about it at work, but it's nothing to worry about."

It also might help to tell Harriet preemptively, "As a heads-up, I have a standing medical appointment every Thursday at 3 and it's hard to move without a lot of advance notice, so I probably won't be able to attend anything scheduled at the last minute for that time period.” (And a standing medical appointment could be a zillion things — therapy, physical therapy, allergies shots, etc. You’re not revealing anything.)

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