“updates: the nerves, the self-help cult, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager |
- updates: the nerves, the self-help cult, and more
- update: can I fix how my boss treats people?
- update: my company made a counter-offer to keep me — and now is attaching strings to it
- update: I think my coworker is an alcoholic
| updates: the nerves, the self-help cult, and more Posted: 30 Dec 2019 09:03 PM PST
1. I'm so nervous at work that it's holding me back I’m coming up on a year at my new job and true to your prediction, I feel much more settled and confident in my role. Two major things happened: – I did indeed eventually get the hang of things. I use a two-pronged approach now: I religiously use our project management software for all major projects (and start every project by drafting a checklist of things that need to happen) and a running list in a notebook for all minor tasks. Every time I get told something, it has to go into either of those spots for future reference. I’m also successfully tackling more stretch projects, honing my troubleshooting skills and as you predicted, it’s been a positive, reinforcing cycle. The ADHD theory is interesting and I’m doing some more research because my forgetfulness and my need to be very organized are not just limited to my work. My spouse sometimes affectionately refers to me as an old lady because if something isn’t written down, it’s just not going to happen. – My manager amicably left for another opportunity and I started reporting directly to GrandBoss. As it turns out, I enjoy working for GrandBoss far more than I did my manager and at the root of it, I believe there was a bit of a personality mismatch between my manager and me that I didn’t realize until I was working under someone else. My former manager was far more intense and exacting than I am and their overall managing style did not really help develop my confidence. While I believe you in that my former manager was mentally giving me breathing room to develop my skills, it didn’t feel like that on a day-to-day level. I got disapproving looks sometimes for questions, rebukes for not being able to find an email or not reading something closely enough, and it just felt like there were a million ways to disappoint my former manager by not meeting her standards. GrandBoss is much more easygoing and understanding and I feel like I have room to breathe and focus on my work. I’m still held to a high standard in terms of my work output but the intensity and pressure are dialed way down and it’s done wonders for me. To be clear, my former manager was overall great, I learned a lot from her, and there are no red flags per se in her behavior but it just wasn’t a good fit for me specifically. 2. My coworkers are in a self-help cult After a second instance I mentioned what had happened to Bernadette’s and my manager. He was super concerned since he’d heard of [old name of self-help cult] in the ’80s and he flagged it up to his manager, who ended up talking to Jason’s manager. A few weeks after that, Jason asked my advice as to whether he should offer some insensitive advice (essentially “the power of positive thought will help fight cancer”) to another team member whose close relative is ill. I strongly advised against it, but he persisted and made the insensitive comment to her.. (Her response was that if positive thought was the cure, her relative would be at the peak of health.) The team member reported this to our shared manager as well. Shortly after that, Jason was moved to another group, and left the company a few weeks after that. Bernadette seems to be getting over the cult-think and gaining more confidence, and I’m continuing to actively give her positive feedback where warranted. We’re also getting some additional staff for the team and the changing dynamic definitely seems to be an improvement. 3. My employee gets stressed and frustrated and snaps at me (first update here) After my last update, things at this job took a turn for the worse. I found out that others thought my employee had been shifted to a different manager/team because of my “bad management skills”. Apparently the “situation” had been discussed among leadership but no one ever told me – in the multiple times I’d asked my manager for guidance he’d only ever said I was doing well and to carry on. I continued trying to make it work at that organization for some time, but things ultimately came to a head and I moved on. What has happened since then? Thank you again Allison for your advice, and to all of the commenters – I read each comment on the original post & the first update multiple times, and was so grateful for everyone’s insights and support. 4. Should I write my boss's performance goals? (#3 at the link) Your readers were spot on that my manager, Kenny, was “an empty stair” and his manager, Sara, was failing our company division by not holding him accountable. I realized that there was a lot more management dysfunction than just Kenny. In early September, I transferred to another division as a client liaison and continued applying elsewhere. I thought I’d diversify my skills and see if I liked client relationship management. My division was sold to a competitor in late September, which also lit a fire under me. Things weren’t stable, and I did not want to work for this competitor. I applied like crazy for everything in my field. In October, I left the company and started a new (more senior!) role in my field with a highly respected company that has much more infrastructure about training and mentoring. The new role came with a 33% higher salary, shorter commute, and a title in line with my education and experience level. The biggest lessons I took from this experience were “know when you’re ready to move on” and “know your value.” I didn’t think I could find anything better, so I stayed for about a year longer than I should have. I’m really happy with where I am now; my manager and my team respect my expertise and skills, and I honestly see a great path forward into more senior roles and opportunities. updates: the nerves, the self-help cult, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| update: can I fix how my boss treats people? Posted: 30 Dec 2019 10:59 AM PST It's "where are you now?" month at Ask a Manager, and all December I'm running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Remember the letter-writer wondering how to fix the crappy way her boss treated others? Here’s the update. A few months after my letter was posted, I attended a regional meeting with my boss. During a presentation from a colleague about an initiative he is trying to launch, my boss stood up, told him why he's wrong, and explained how he thought it should be handled. He should have been shut down right away by the meeting facilitator, but unfortunately was allowed to go on long enough to completely mortify me and make everyone else uncomfortable. Later in the day, he publicly called me out for not sharing some information with the group in a very abrasive, demeaning way (what he didn't know what I had already shared this information with colleagues at a previous meeting). I had several people come up to me after and tell me things like, "That was awful" and "You didn't deserve that." I felt bad and anxious and just…sad all weekend from it. But! There is a silver lining. Seeing my colleagues' reactions to him in real time made me realize that he's so much worse than I wanted to admit and that I DON'T deserve this. Everyone who commented on my letter was right. He isn't going to change. He's damaging my professional reputation. I'm not dealing with it as well as I thought. So, my husband and I sat down and talked about where we would be willing to move to and what salary we would be willing to move for, and I've started a serious job hunt. I had been casually looking all year but made a lot of excuses—I'm not 100% qualified, there's a recession coming and I have job security now, what if a new job is just as bad—but I feel motivated and excited to dedicate myself to finding a new job. I’m happy to say that I’ve had three interviews this month, and I’m waiting to hear about three other positions that I think would be a great fit for me. Two weeks after that meeting, we had an organization-wide event, and apparently some people submitted written comments mentioning the very things I wrote about in my letter. I think the comments have found their way to a few board members. I’ve also heard more grumbling from our members about the way he treats people, so maybe some action will finally be taken, but I don’t plan on sticking around long enough to find out. I can’t thank you or the commenters enough for all the kind advice and words of encouragement. It was so helpful to know that I’m not alone in experiencing a boss like this, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. update: can I fix how my boss treats people? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| update: my company made a counter-offer to keep me — and now is attaching strings to it Posted: 30 Dec 2019 09:29 AM PST It's "where are you now?" month at Ask a Manager, and all December I'm running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Remember the letter-writer whose company made a counter-offer to keep her when she was about to leave for a new job and then, after she’d declined the other job, starting attaching strings she hadn’t agreed to? Here’s the update. I stayed at the original company. I went back to my boss and used similar language to what you suggested. He hadn’t fully reviewed the retention letter (put together by HR), which obviously is a whole thing on its own. He agreed to remove the most problematic parts of the letter and I signed it — in part because, as some of the commentors pointed out, the way the other company was approaching me was problematic on its own—in fact, the whole recruitment had been a bit off, which I had attributed to being understaffed but continued to get increasingly bad vibes about. Additionally, taking the other job would have meant either moving to the other side of our city or adding a geographic complication to an already complicated work-school-home balance that falls almost entirely to me, given my husband’s travel and work schedule. We were prepared to take that step, but it just added another layer of complication to the whole stay/go picture. I didn’t go into this detail in my original letter, because I didn’t want to weigh the whole letter down, but I had been on the job market because my boss was new, and I wasn’t sure he would see a future for me at the company (I had reasons for this, I wasn’t just paranoid). I’d wanted to keep my options open if he decided to bring in a new team or was planning to radically restructure my job duties. Part of our discussion after the retention letter was negotiated clarified his commitment to me and to an expansion of my role and responsibilities. He also put me in charge of a strategic planning process, and I tacitly agreed to see it through. At the end of this process (another 6-9 months), I think it will be clear to everyone whether there is still room for my ambition at this organization, though it is clear there will be room for my skills and institutional knowledge for as long as I want to stay (assuming, of course, I don’t screw it up in the interim!!). Oh, and I did get a raise at the last merit cycle. Not as large as I wanted or argued for, but the total comp package is now ahead of where I’d be at the other company. update: my company made a counter-offer to keep me — and now is attaching strings to it was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
| update: I think my coworker is an alcoholic Posted: 30 Dec 2019 07:59 AM PST It's "where are you now?" month at Ask a Manager, and all December I'm running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Remember the letter-writer whose coworker (Sterling) was an alcoholic, kept coming to work smelling like alcohol, whose work was becoming more unreliable, and whose manager (Cyril) hadn’t done anything to address the problem? Here’s the update. Sterling is gone. This might not be surprising to you or the readers, as he was a ticking time bomb, but my larger concern was more about the institutional problems that allowed him to reach the point he reached in the first place. I had already spoken to my own manager before my letter was published and pretty much laid it out for him like I did in the letter. He was aware that Sterling was a problem, but wasn’t aware of how bad he’d gotten. I’m a manager who reports to a department head, and Cyril was also a department head. Cyril is a very senior technical expert with no prior experience in managing people. He was promoted by well-meaning executives who didn’t realize that being able to do a job isn’t the same as being able to manage people doing that job. The reason this went unnoticed for as long as it did is that the majority of his team were self-starters who didn’t need much oversight, so while the work was disorganized, it did mostly get done. Since my letter ran, there have been substantial changes at the company. The biggest is that Cyril is no longer a department head. The executive suite finally recognized that he wasn’t an effective leader and brought in someone with extensive leadership experience for the kind of work we’re doing to be the new department head. They also brought in an operational manager on my level who handles the day to day. Some of the team who previously enjoyed their independence chafed at first, but they’ve adapted. On my part, I think she’s fantastic and we already have a great working relationship. Cyril is back to being a senior technical expert working on complicated technical problems and seems much happier now. The pinch of Sterling being gone has been minimal because with the management responsibilities off his plate, Cyril has been able to absorb the majority of the work he was doing. We do still need to hire more people with the highly coveted skill set, but for now we’re managing pretty well. Ultimately I think this was the best of the possible realistic outcomes. On a personal level, I hope Sterling takes it as a wake up call to get the help he needs. On a professional level, I feel much more confident in the company as a whole that they were willing and able to make the kind of substantial institutional changes to keep a situation like this from getting out of hand in the future. update: I think my coworker is an alcoholic was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager. |
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