“heading off pregnancy talk at work, my office thinks the Christmas party is secular, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

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heading off pregnancy talk at work, my office thinks the Christmas party is secular, and more

Posted: 30 Oct 2018 09:03 PM PDT

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. How can I head off pregnancy talk at work?

I'm a sales executive in a small department of about 20 people in a larger organization. My spouse is also in the same firm. We have recently found out I am pregnant and are very happy about it. A few of our friends and immediate superiors know. They have been wonderful and supportive. I have efficiently received the accommodations I need.

However, I don't really want to discuss my pregnancy beyond this at work. My department is filled with many people who talk incessantly about their children and childbirth experiences. We also sometimes see them outside work, where I have seen them pester various other colleagues about reproductive or marriage plans. I know this makes me and several other colleagues uncomfortable but no one says anything because it is allegedly "well intentioned.” Is there a way I can manage how much attention is drawn to my pregnancy, especially when I become visibly pregnant? I don't want to become The Pregnant Lady and I don't want my condition to be an occasion for other colleagues to face a barrage of inappropriate inquiries.

You can definitely set boundaries. You should also be prepared for people to try to ignore those boundaries, because that's what they do. (Horrifying example: An upcoming podcast episode has a question from a pregnant woman who had to tell a coworker she barely knows to stop calling her "Mom.") But you can calmly restate those boundaries when that happens.

One option is to say relatively early on when people start chatting about your pregnancy, "I'd actually like to avoid talking about it too much at work. Work is my space away from pregnancy talk. Thanks for understanding!" But then you'll still need to be prepared for people to forget/ignore that. When that happens you can say some variation of "You'd be surprised by how much everyone wants to talk about pregnancy to a pregnant person — I'd be grateful if we could ignore it entirely." If you reinforce that boundary, it's likely that most people will respect it, or at least that you can short-circuit when they don't. But you may still get some people who determinedly plow through your boundaries, because there are a lot of those people out there and pregnancy is like a homing signal to them.

2. My office thinks its Christmas party is secular

I work for a company that employs people from all around the world and of all religions. We're based in a non-religious country that has adopted Christmas as a sort of secular party time.

My company is hosting a fancy Christmas lunch during work hours. It's called a Christmas party specifically, not a holiday party. Employees can choose to skip work, go to the party for a few hours, then go home, or go in for a full day of work. Obviously the party is the fun choice – but as a Jew with complicated feelings about Christmas, I feel sick at the thought of going to a Christmas party. I have casually brought up my concerns to a few people, but I've been told that it's a secular event, so I shouldn't worry. I don't think anything involving Christmas can rightfully be called secular.

I want to say something to my company, but I'm I having doubts. Am I reacting too strongly, or is it weird that we're essentially being offered the day off– so long as we celebrate Christmas first? Is there anything I can say to help them see the awkward place this puts non-Christians into?

Yeah, Christmas is not secular, and it's extremely disturbing to many people of non-Christian faiths when people try to argue that it is.

It's true that many offices let people leave early after attending the holiday party but don't allow that if they didn't attend. And that would be fine for your office to do, except for the fact that they've chosen to make the event an explicitly Christian one. They absolutely should not be telling people that the only way to get that day off of work is to attend an event that's explicitly for Christmas.

My hunch is that they’re figuring the party won't have hymns or prayer or a creche, so what's the problem? And they're welcome to have that party! But they're calling it a Christmas party, and thus they need to respect that not everyone may feel comfortable attending, and those people should not be expected to work a full day when others aren't.

You could talk to either your manager or someone else in a position of authority to change this and say something like, "As a Jew, I feel strongly that Christmas is not secular. I'm not comfortable attending a Christmas party, and I'm concerned that we're making a perk — a shortened work day — dependent on people choosing to attend an event that's rooted in religious celebration. Would you consider giving everyone the same amount of time off, regardless of whether they attend the party?"

I do think there's some risk here of them thinking you're coming down to hard on this, but you're right on the principle and if you feel strongly about it, you're entitled to take that stance.

3. My old boss wants me to send her confidential documents — that she created

I am having an ongoing issue for the past few months that has left me feeling really uncomfortable. My former supervisor (who hired me) left the company about nine months ago. Since then, we have remained friendly and often chat about how things are going at her new job and in my office, since I still occupy the same role she hired me for. Several times, though, she has asked me to send her documentation she created or contributed to while she was here at my company. In a few cases, the documentation is explicitly labeled as "confidential" or "for internal use only." I feel uncomfortable for obvious reasons: even though this former supervisor developed the documents, they technically "belong" to my company and her ownership over the documents ended when her employment ended. At least, this is my opinion. I know she does not feel the same way, however.

I have been able to put her off so far by telling her I couldn't find the documents or just flat out ignoring her requests, but lately her requests for one specific document have become even more urgent and persistent; I can't seem to put her off. How do I make my stance on this clear to her without ending our friendship?

Yeah, even though she created those documents, it might not be cool for you to send them to her. If you really want to verify that, you could check with your current manager. It's possible that you'll hear that it's fine, but without that kind of explicit confirmation, you shouldn't send them on.

It's okay to just explain that to her! She may not be thinking in those terms at all and will understand when you explain it. And you not wanting to get in trouble is not something that should end the friendship! Just say something like, “"These are marked 'for internal use' only and I don't think I'm allowed to send them outside the company, even though you created them. I'm sorry about that!"

4. I asked a hiring manager for feedback after a rejection and she invited me to coffee

I've started asking all hiring managers for feedback on my job applications if they reject me, regardless if we actually meet/interview (i.e., even if they just reject my written application, I politely ask for feedback). Like at this point, what have I got to lose? They can just ignore the email. But actually, I've been getting some really comprehensive feedback, with hiring managers really going out of their way to giving me some pointers. I'm continuously surprised and very grateful.

So today I just got an email to meet a hiring manager next week for a coffee to discuss my application they rejected and for them to get to know me. They are actually willing to take time out of their day to chat to me about my application. They maybe don't have enough work to do but more importantly are incredibly generous!

I should treat this like a job interview in terms of formality/professionalism right? And if you were in my position, what sort of questions would you be asking? Can you give me some advice to best make use of this very rare/special opportunity?

Yes, treat it like a job interview in terms of professionalism (dress nicely, don't badmouth previous employers, etc.). What to ask really depends on what you want to get out of these meetings, but it sounds like it would be helpful to ask things like whether they have advice on how you might come across as a stronger candidate in interviews or in your application materials, if there are particular skills they think you should build up, and what types of jobs they might recommend you target. I'd open the conversation with something like, "I'm so appreciative that you offered to meet. I have questions I'd love to ask you, but mainly I'm just really interested in working (in this field/as an X/etc.) and I'd be grateful for any advice you're willing to share.”

5. Update: my boss goes overboard for Halloween

Thanks for quoting me in your Halloween article on Monday! I was the person working for the boss who goes way over the top for Halloween. Here's an update.

Last year and previously, he put most of the decorations up himself with one or two colleagues helping, so it was only 1-1/2 weeks because that’s when he had time. This year he invited several of the professionals in our department to help in early October and ordered pizza, and we’ve had the dungeon and noisy toys for a month. Apparently there are other people who like it, since they helped.

Luckily someone turned off the soundtrack after about 10 days, which helped a lot. Today it’s back on. I’m using earplugs to cope with that. I didn’t realize how much the soundtrack was affecting me. It’s mostly sinister orchestral music in minor keys. Apparently we really are hard-wired to respond in certain ways to music.

You’ve answered versions of this question before, but this chatty coworker question is slightly different. I work at the front desk of a small nonprofit museum that has a rotating pool of volunteers. I started out as a volunteer, and still do a fair amount of volunteer work, so I’m kind of a bridge between the volunteers and employees. The best part of the museum is definitely the community of volunteers/employees it attracts — everyone is pretty young and extremely passionate and interesting.

Recently, a research intern joined the team. She’s very sweet and well-meaning, but talks CONSTANTLY, to the point that several people have approached me to quietly comment on the fact that she never ever stops talking. It seems like she’s just very anxious about being liked, and is trying to overcompensate. In so doing, she’s actively annoying everyone within earshot.

When she does her research, she’s typically at the front desk with me — a slightly isolated area — and the effect is twofold: 1) my friends at the museum avoid stopping by the front desk to talk to me, because they’re avoiding the chatty intern, and 2) I end up listening politely to the intern for the entirety of my shift.

It also doesn’t help that my front-desk job is fairly non-demanding. She always stops talking whenever a customer walks in, but as soon as I’m finished with their transaction, she starts again. I can’t honestly say “Sorry, I can’t talk, I have work to do” because if there are no customers, I GENUINELY DON’T.

I’m at a loss. Her immediate boss and my immediate boss (both friends of mine) have said privately to me, with varying degrees of tact, that they don’t know what to do about the intern because she’s so annoying. What constructive feedback can you give to someone like that without confirming their worst anxieties? Is there a polite way to say “Please talk 10% of the amount that you currently do, so I don’t actively resent you?"

Yep, this is different than previous letters I've answered about overly chatty coworkers, because in those cases people were able to credibly say they couldn't talk/had to get back to a work project.

So, a couple of options:

1. While you can't say you have work to do, you could in theory say you have something else to do. You could have a book you need to read for a book club — actually, no, you don't even need to invent a fake book club. You could just say, "I've been dying to use this time to read this book so I'm not going to chat today!" Or for a longer-term solution: "I've realized this is my best time for reading, so I've started bringing books with me. Sorry I won't be up for chatting!" You could do the same thing with a personal writing project, reading the news, catching up on your correspondence with your great-aunt, or anything else you want to spend that time on.

2. Be direct: "Would you mind if we didn't talk so much while we're up here? I like to have some quiet time in between customers, and I think if we're constantly talking it deters other people from stopping by." You could add, "I don't mind a little chat, of course, but I like some time to be in my own head too." Then reinforce that; if her calibration of "a little chat" is still way too much, talk to for a bit and then say, "Okay, I'm going to spend some time reading now." Or, on the other end of that, if she seems to think this means she can NEVER speak, model an appropriate amount of chat by asking her a warm, friendly question at some point (and be prepared with a conversation-ending strategy, like leaving for the bathroom or to get coffee if this opens the chatting floodgates).

But also, her boss should really be addressing this. That's part of managing an intern — or managing anyone, really. This is annoying other people and making them avoid her, and they have an obligation to address it with her by saying something (in private) like, "We love having you here and you're doing great work. One thing I've noticed is that you're pretty chatty with others. It's great for you to form relationships with other people here, but I want you to pull back on how much chatting you’re doing since other people are working or just may need quiet space. It's fine to have a short conversation, but be mindful of how long it's going on — a couple of minutes is fine, but usually people should get back to work after that."

And yes, this risks the intern thinking it doesn't apply to you since you don't have actual work you need to be doing when she talks to you. But as a manager, I'd start here and see if it solves the problem. If it doesn't, then she can address that piece of it more directly.

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