“my office set up fake layoffs, coworker thinks he’s a celebrity spokesperson, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

my office set up fake layoffs, coworker thinks he’s a celebrity spokesperson, and more
how to get better at using a coworker’s nonbinary pronouns
can I refuse to be alone with a coworker who I had an emotional affair with?
my new junior employee said he’s “disappointed” in his job

my office set up fake layoffs, coworker thinks he’s a celebrity spokesperson, and more

Posted: 28 Oct 2019 09:03 PM PDT

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My office set up fake layoffs so my coworker didn't know he was the only one being let go

I think my last employer may have violated some kind of law with this one. We had a somewhat troubled employee, and instead of firing him the normal way, we got him and three other employees together in a room and pretended to lay off all of them, even though they knew that the rest of the employees were going to show up the next day. It left a really bad taste in my mouth considering that they were concerned about the guy’s mental health. I didn’t think I’d feel any happier to find out that something like that had happened to me.

They said they were laying off the whole group because “a processor bought all of our raw product" (which “meant” we had to lay off the newest four employees, even though everyone but him were showing up the next day).

Wow, no, terrible practice. It's not illegal per se, but it could lead to legal headaches for the company anyway: When an employee finds out they've been lied to about the reason they were let go, they often figure the real reason must have been something shady (since otherwise, why wouldn't the company have just told them the truth?). So then they go looking for the real reason, and they can easily conclude the real reason must have been something illegal (like discrimination). Employment lawyers can have a field day with that situation, since the employer has already established they're willing to act in a shady way and not be honest about what was going on.

Aside from that, it's crappy and thoughtless. Surely it wouldn't be terribly hard for this guy to find out (accidentally or by deliberately checking) that the people he thought were let go alongside him are still working there.

I'm wondering if your employer was worried about something like workplace violence if they outright fired this guy and so they concocted this awful plan to make it seem like it wasn't about him? That's still a bad idea, but it's the only thing I can think of that would explain such a bizarre decision.

2. Our marketing director thinks he's a celebrity spokesperson

I've been working for a company for the last four years. The company sells highly-regulated consumer products (think protein powders or dietary supplements). Our marketing director is a close college friend of the owner and thinks of himself as a kind of celebrity spokesperson, like Steve Jobs or Gwyneth Paltrow. At first, I thought it was just a slightly irritating quirk, but over the last few months his behavior has taken a turn towards what I feel is unethical.

The last straw was a contest on our company's social media accounts (his team is in charge of those). The prize was an assortment of our company's products, along with a chance to meet him. To enter, people have to follow his personal Instagram account. It made me feel deeply uneasy that the company's money is basically being used to buy this person followers. The Instagram is fine for a personal private account (lots of pictures of his dogs, family, church activities, etc.) but he often mentions unsubstantiated claims regarding our products as facts (which we're not legally allowed to do) and takes pictures of various acquaintances enjoying our products (we need consent waivers for all the pictures we post on our official social channels).

Am I being old and crotchety (I'm in my 40s while the rest of his team are in their 20s)? Is this a thing now? Most people I spoke with are uneasy, including my boss, but no one wants to mention anything because of his personal relationship to the owner.

You're not being old and crotchety; you have appropriate and sensible concerns. It's inappropriate for a company contest to direct people to follow an employee’s personal Instagram — unless his personal Instagram is so intertwined with the company that it's being used as a company account. That doesn't sound like the case, but if it were the case, he'd need to abide by the company's legal and brand restrictions, which he's not doing. He's trying to have it both ways — personal account with corporate promotion — and that's not okay.

Is anyone there in a position to speak truth to the owner? Hopefully someone other than this guy has the owner's ear and can point out the problems with this.

3. People ask me questions on social media about our job postings

My company encourages us to advertise open positions through our own professional channels, so I'll post a notice on my social media about our open roles, with a link to the posting page. We have a good reputation and do highly-regarded niche work in a big industry, so a lot of people will send cold messages to team members.

With the exception of one or two great potential candidates, usually they ask me to tell them about job requirements that are in the posting or about the job itself. I don’t want to needlessly burn bridges or hurt my company’s reputation, but I don’t have the time or will to pitch my company to a potential candidate — especially when we have a stream of great candidates already coming in. What’s the best way to handle these requests politely while shutting them down?

I’ve considered just not posting to my own channels, but I have had some good candidates reach out who have made it to final rounds. I appreciate it because personally, I’d prefer good coworkers and, professionally, it gives me some extra value to the company.

A few options:
* "Take a look at the job posting — you should find all that there."
* "Because we get such a high volume of interest in our openings, we’ve found the best way to get to know people is to steer you to the process we've created. But we've tried to put all the initial details you'll need in the posting.”
* "I'm not involved in hiring for this role, but if you apply using the directions in the post, you'll get into our system and will have lots of opportunites for questions as you move through our process."
* Hi Jane! I'm not involved in hiring for this role, but I encourage you to formally throw your hat in the ring by applying if you're interested.”

But also, watch for the kind of questions people ask. I'd bet that few or none of the people who ask questions that are answered in the posting turn out to be strong candidates later. If that's the case, you shouldn't have qualms about using one of the lines above. But if someone is asking smart, substantive questions (that don't seem to be just for the sake of making an impression), there could be value in engaging a bit further with them.

4. We couldn't work during a cyber attack and now our company wants us to make up the lost time

My company was hit with a cyber attack that took down our system for a few days, including all of Monday (and some people were locked out of their files longer, almost all week). Unless you had files saved to your desktop (which is generally not seen as good practice) or were travelling for meetings/field work, there was no billable work that could be done during that time.The vast majority of employees are salaried (exempt). Once everything was back up and running, senior leadership asked that we either make up the lost time (we bill over a two-week period, and we were at the beginning of a billing period), or use vacation or sick leave and not bill to overhead. Everyone is obviously pissed, but other than this being an incredibly scummy thing to do, is there anything wrong legally with the directive?

If you're exempt, it's legal (because you're paid for the job, not for the time you put in). If anyone is non-exempt, they'd need to be paid for any extra work time.

Regardless, though, your company should look at this as a cost of doing business that shouldn't be transferred to employees. It's not unreasonable to say "we're going to need people pulling longer hours this week because of this crisis," but people shouldn't lose vacation or sick leave because the company's systems went down.

5. Is this employer blowing me off?

I recently had a series of interviews and tests for a job. During one of the interviews, the hiring manager told me he was hoping to find someone with more "traditional experience" but he'd still give me the test.

I completed the test and now, a few weeks after the fact, I've been contacted by the HR manager I was working with. She said the hiring manager wants to review more candidates before making a decision on me and that if I had a tight timeline to go ahead, but otherwise she's wants to stay connected and chat in a few weeks. Is this just a blow-off? Do you think there is anything I could do to get the hiring manager's attention at this point? Or is all hope lost?

If it were a blow-off, they'd just reject you. So take it at face value: They want to review more candidates and will need at least a few weeks to get back to you. But telling you to take your other options if you're in a tight timeline does indicate they're not too fussed about losing you if that happens. That doesn't mean there's no way they'd eventually offer you the job, but it does indicate they're hoping to find someone who's a better match.

As for doing something to get the hiring manager's attention … he already knows you're interested. You don't have the experience he's looking for and so he's looking to see if he can find a better match. It's possible you could do something that would push him back toward you (like submit a wildly impressive piece of work that convinces him you're the person for the job), but … honestly, most times people try something like that, it's just as likely (if not more so) to convince the employer you're not the right match.

It might help to remember that if you get the job, you want them to be enthusiastic about you. You don't want to talk your way into a job that you really might not be right for (because that makes it more likely you'll struggle in the job or even be fired) — and the hiring manager is the person who knows his needs best. Let him figure out if you're the right match or not.

(That said, if you haven't sent a post-interview follow-up note yet, now is the time for a really good one.)

♦ “What I do is I just practice a lot on my own out loud using the correct pronouns. A lot of times in the car or while I am walking the dog (‘This is Alex, they were telling me about the project XYZ”). I also would practice with my husband at home, maybe tell a couple more detailed stories about work than normal (‘Today I was working with Alex on this, and they told me a funny story…’). What helps me most is saying them out loud.”

♦ “It really helped me to read books/listen to podcasts about/by nonbinary people because part of the problem is, it feels ‘wrong’ as we learned not to use pronouns this way. The 57 Bus was one of the first books I read that inspired this, but I also came across this list, which I am working my way through.”

♦ “Look for opportunities to use gender neutral pronouns in reference to other people besides coworker. Like with a dog on the street, think to yourself, ‘Oh they're so cute!’ ‘they've got a scruffy face’ ‘they're wagging their tail at me!’ Or other people tweeting or other people commenting on places like here! ‘Oh, they've got a point.'”

♦ “Here's what helped me the most: Think of a story/anecdote about you coworker or just something memorable about your coworker. It doesn't have to be interesting. ‘Lee spilled their coffee today. They had a coffee stain on their sleeve for the rest of the afternoon.’ Act like you're describing this person or telling a family member the anecdote. Be careful to use they/them pronouns the entire time, even if you have to pause to do so. Repeat it until it the right pronouns come out naturally.”

♦ There is one ‘trick’ I once read about that has always stayed with me. It was a little anecdote about a young person (let's call them X) who had a good friend (Z) who began to use they/them pronouns, and X's parent was struggling, at first, to accustom themselves to Z's change in pronouns. All of a sudden, the parent was getting it right every time, so X asked them how they managed to move so suddenly from struggle to success.

The parent confessed that they used a ‘trick.’ Every time they thought of Z, they pictured them with a little pet mouse in their pocket. This helped the parent get over the stubborn residual associations they had between they/them pronouns and the plural.”

♦ “I've used they/them pronouns for several years, and a thing I've noticed is that the people who really understand the concept of ‘nonbinary person’ are much better at using the right pronouns for me, because they look at me and see a nonbinary person and then use the right pronoun for the person they see. That's how gendered language use (and a lot of cultural stuff around gender) works on a subconscious level — we see people, we categorize them, and we speak to them and behave toward them in ways that match the category we've put them in. When someone who doesn't have a ‘nonbinary person’ category sees me — even someone who knows me quite well and is intellectually aware that I'm nonbinary — they'll categorize me wrong in their head, and then they'll slip up on pronouns, group me together with people of the gender they think I am, forget that I need an ungendered bathroom, refer to me by gendered parent words when my child is mentioned, and so on. Pronoun use is an important part of respecting your nonbinary colleague, but it's not the whole of it. You need to see them. You need to make an additional box in your head that says ‘nonbinary person,’ and when you look at your colleague you need to put them in that box. Then you can use the language and behaviors that follow on from being fully aware that you are interacting with a nonbinary person.

…You will also have to develop a lexicon of gender-appropriate behaviors, not just language, for nonbinary people and people whose genders you don't know. Part of what's so uncomfortable when you first encounter nonbinary people is that you run into all the ways you unconsciously treat people differently based on perceived gender. The best option in most cases is to lean toward inclusivity, as it benefits binary-gendered people as well. Instead of inviting women to knitting nights and men to golfing days, invite everyone to both, and Chad will knit you a sweater while Sally gives you putting tips. Send a company-wide email saying, ‘We're going to order loose and fitted company t-shirts from S to 4X, please let me know which you'd like’ rather than assuming you know who will want ‘men's’ or ‘women's’ shirts. Hold doors for everyone. Pay everyone fairly! But don't let inclusivity and generality erase the specific realness of nonbinary identities.

You were taught for a long time that we don't exist. Retraining your brain is going to take work. But if you put in that work, it will help a ton with treating your colleague respectfully. Once you internalize that your company is a company where at least three genders of people work, you'll become aware of places where your workplace habits assume only two genders, and you'll fix them and help your colleague (and other nonbinary colleagues) be more comfortable. Nonbinary people go through life braced for constant, constant misgendering and microaggressions. The absence of those things is tangible, and so wonderful when we encounter it. Even a small inclusive gesture could make your colleague's day.”

♦ As a nonbinary person, one thing I've found I appreciate is when people aren't thinking about it as ‘just a pronoun,’ but instead are actively learning about what a nonbinary gender means. The way I tell folks is, ‘I use they/them pronouns because nothing else fits. It's more important to me that you see me as nonbinary than it is to use any particular pronoun. That said, when messing up means you always use feminine pronouns, that tells me you aren't seeing me as nonbinary.'”

And advice on if you make a mistake:

♦ “If you do make a mistake and someone corrects you, say ‘thank you’ instead of ‘I'm sorry.’ Because the ‘sorry’ will often make the other person feel like they have to respond with ‘It's okay’ or ‘It's no big deal’ even when they may not feel that way.”

♦ “A quick correction with a 'sorry' or 'whoops, my mistake' attached, goes over much better than a long dragged out apology. Basically, don't make a big deal out of it – all that does is draw attention to the change and the whole point is to move past that change.”

I’m a new-ish manager of a small team within a small company (16 total people). I currently have two direct reports. One of them has been with the company longer than I have, and she is professional and a joy to work with. The other is a recent hire (he’s been here two months) who is right out of college. I’ll call him Jake.

In our most recent weekly one-on-one, Jake told me that he is “disappointed in the role” and that the work is “not as interesting as he hoped.” I can understand how someone could find much of the work tedious. There’s a significant amount of data entry in the position. But I never hid this. I was clear with every candidate I interviewed that there would be tedious tasks and screened for people who seemed able to figure out strategies for handling that tedium.

I’m wondering where to go from here. Jake was not able to give me any clear idea about what he wants the role to be instead, and even if he could, I hired him for the job he’s doing now.

Part of me also feels like he hasn’t given any of this a fair shake. He’s only been here two months! A lot of those tedious tasks will start taking up less and less of his time as he gets better at them so he can expand other parts of the role, and I have told him that this is what I expect.

And lastly, I’m not sure how much investment I want to put into someone who has expressed such disinterest so early. I have also had a couple of attitude problems that I have been addressing (Jake can come across as entitled and arrogant, which is not a good look for the most junior member of our staff), but those by themselves, I felt were very coachable.

Any advice on how to proceed with someone that is not interested in the job after only two months?

A new employee telling his manager he’s "disappointed in the role" is a pretty serious thing. Not serious like "he's done something wrong," but serious like "uh oh — let's figure out if this is the right match or not, so that if it's not we can each cut our losses and move on."

I'd sit down with Jake and say something like this: “I wanted to talk more about how you're feeling about the job. You mentioned you're disappointed in the role and the work isn't what you were hoping for. It's definitely true that the work can be tedious. I tried to make sure you knew that during the hiring process, but I know things can be different once you get into the job and really see what it's like. On one hand, tasks like X and Y will take up less time as you get better at them, and then there will be room to take on things like Z. But the reality of this role is that there's a significant amount of data entry, and that will always probably be at least X% of your time. Knowing that, is this a role you want to stay in? If you don't think it's for you, I'd rather we figure that out now so you’re not feeling stuck in a job you're unhappy with — and, to be transparent, because it doesn't make sense for us to invest more time and training if it’s not a role you want to stay in."

Be clear, too, about what it would mean if Jake decides that it’s not the role for him. You want him to feel comfortable being honest if that's the case, and he's more likely to be honest if he doesn't think that'll mean his paycheck stops that day. You could say, "If it's just not for you, we could start looking for a replacement and give you some time to look around for another job too. We could agree on a timeline like four weeks, or less if you wanted it to be shorter."

It might turn out that Jake grabs at that offer, and there's your answer. But if he says no, he doesn't want to leave, he's just disappointed with how the job has turned out, then you can say, "Well, if you take some time to think it over and realize it's not for you, that's perfectly okay! Let me know if so. But if you want to stay, knowing this is the reality of the job, that's great too.”

Your goals here are to encourage Jake to figure out sooner rather than later if he wants to stay in the job and to make it clear there's a no-judgment path out if he doesn't. And because this is someone who's already shown some worrying signs about attitude separately from this, you're also (hopefully) making clear that staying in the job but continuing to complain about it isn't one of the options on the table.

All this said … I think you should be prepared for the possibility that Jake won't work out, whether because he's unhappy with the work or not sufficiently invested in doing it well or because the attitude stuff you've seen becomes more of a problem. I’m not predicting that will happen — Jake may just be inexperienced and still figuring things out, and it's possible he'll figure them out on your watch. If so, great! But I'd have in your head that this just might not be the right match for either of you, and that's okay. Don't contort yourself too far to try to salvage it if you're already seeing signs that worry you.

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