“my boss lied to my coworker about his firing, insecurity and graduate degrees, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

my boss lied to my coworker about his firing, insecurity and graduate degrees, and more
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I have no motivation to do my job
my employee is overly budget-conscious and freaks out when we spend money

my boss lied to my coworker about his firing, insecurity and graduate degrees, and more

Posted: 16 Jul 2019 09:03 PM PDT

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker is being let go for not doing his work — but that’s not what our boss told him

I have a coworker, Fergus, who is being let go because he doesn’t do his job. For example, there was a big project for his client and he slept through calls about it, didn’t do a big task that would usually be his responsibility, and took over a month to complete what he did do (should have taken two days). There have also been days where he doesn’t do his share of our team’s work, or simply doesn’t show up to work without telling our boss. He’s disorganized, unreliable, and–on top of that–comes across as rude in communications with people who are just trying to find out if he’s going to do the work he owes them.

Our boss was clearly going to let it slide because of his past friendship with Fergus, but another manager (who oversees his client) got wind of what was happening and created a paper trail to remove him from the client project, paving the way for his termination. But instead of telling Fergus he’s being fired for reasons related to his work, our boss told him it’s because the client has run out of budget.

Now that Fergus has been told he’s being let go, he’s been confiding in me about his anger over it. It bothers me because I’m the one who covered for him when he dropped the ball on his projects, and he is far from a victim here. I also don’t think our boss is doing Fergus any favors by telling him this isn’t about his work, when it clearly is. I don’t think it’s my place to say something to Fergus about the real reason behind his termination, but I also don’t want to be a sounding board for him when I know he’s being let go for cause. His unreliability made my job significantly more stressful for weeks, and I think our boss should tell him the truth. Is there anything I can do here? Or just wait out the remaining time on Fergus’s contract?

That's terrible management on your boss's part, but you can't really overrule him in deciding what someone is told about the reason for their termination. So yeah, that probably does mean you're just stuck waiting for Fergus's time there to end.

That said, you're not stuck having to hear how aggrieved he feels either. If you're inclined, the next time he starts complaining to you about being let go, you could say, "You know, you slept through calls about the X project, didn't do Y, and have been hostile to people who checked up on work you owed them. I don't want to get into a back and forth with you about this, but I'm not a great audience for what you’re saying now, because I see it differently."

If that's more than you want to get into, you could also just say, "Hmmm, I don't see it that way so I'm not the right person to talk to about this." And if he pushes to know what you mean: "It’s not something I want to get into. I'd just prefer not to discuss it."

2. I don't want my new hire to feel weird about being the only person without a graduate degree

I am a relatively new supervisor of seven people with a new hire starting under my purview this week. At my company and in my industry, graduate degrees are the norm. But the company recently changed the definitions for the levels at which people are hired, and opened the door to hire college graduates. My new employee just graduated college with a B.S. and is literally the only person in my entire department (50+ people) who doesn’t have a graduate degree.

I would like to reassure her that she’s capable of doing the work so she doesn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable for not having the graduate degree, but I don’t know how to approach the subject. It’s entirely possible that she doesn’t realize the situation, so if I were to preemptively bring it up, it might actually cause the awkwardness that I’m hoping to calm. But if I don’t bring it up and she is aware of it, I don’t think she would bring it up on her own and would just possibly sit there questioning herself and her skills. Any advice? If it matters, it was my boss (the department head) who hired her — I wasn’t involved in her interview, but I have no qualms about her hiring.

If you bring it up unbidden, you're more likely to make her feel awkward than reassured — the subtext will be that it could be an issue, and that you think maybe she should think it's an issue, but don't worry, it's not an issue. It’s not very reassuring, especially since you’re not the person who actually hired her.

And she might not feel any particular insecurity about it! She might simply assume that she got hired so she must be seen as qualified (which would be reasonable!). She might think graduate degrees are overrated. She might have no particular opinion about it at all, but would feel weird that you assumed she did. Or sure, she might feel weird about it — but wait until you see signs of that.

In general, assume that a new hire isn't questioning themselves or their capabilities unless they show actual evidence that they are — and even then, you'd want to speak directly to what you're seeing/what they're saying rather than assuming you know where it's coming from. After all, if she does start feeling insecure, it might be about something completely different than her lack of a graduate degree (it could be about a project she messed up, or something rude Bob said to her, or so forth), so you don't want to assume.

3. My ex-employer insists I owe them money, withheld my paycheck, and won't stop contacting me

I involuntarily separated from my employer several weeks ago for one incident of tardiness due to unforseen circumstances. Before we parted ways, I had a great relationship with my immediate supervisor and the business owner, who frequently praised my performance. Or so I thought. The day I was let go, I was subjected to a torrent of verbal abuse from the business owner. It came without warning, and by phone while I was in public.

A few days later, I was informed by HR that they were confiscating my final paycheck, claiming I owe them for business expenses. These expenses they’ve come up with are in excess of the checks amount, so they’ve asked me to write THEM a check for the remaining balance. I never agreed to these deductions, which are for professional development and travel – not for pay advances, nor unreturned/damaged equipment. So of course, I refused to pay them anything, and filed a wage claim with the state.

While I’ve been waiting for a claims officer to settle the matter, HR has continued to email me asking me for money. At one point, they claimed they called the wage complaint office and that there isn’t any action against then on file. I told HR to check again and to stop contacting me directly… but they haven’t. Just yesterday they sent me a “revised” wages owed document – two MONTHS after I left.

In addiction to refusing to pay me for hours worked, they appealed my unemployment claim. To prove their case, my former team under the direction of the business owner assembled a 25-page packet of “evidence” (benign internal emails) that I was a negligent employee who tries to “game the system.” I had to quietly listen to their lies for nearly an hour in front of a hearing officer. My case is still pending.

I am stunned by their vindictive behavior, and even more stunned that they seem to enjoy it, almost like it’s a team building activity. Them vs me. Though it hurts, I’m glad I got to see who they really are and even happier I got a quick exit. I don’t want an apology. Despite what they now say about me, I know my worth as an employee and a person. What I do want, is payment for the hours I already worked, and to be left alone. Any advice?

That’s horrible! Any chance you’d be able to afford a lawyer for just an hour or two, to write them a cease and desist letter and otherwise advise them to stop contacting you? Hopefully the state will take care of the wage claim, but the lawyer might be helpful in getting them to stop contacting you, and might be helpful on the rest of it too.

If that's not in the cards, there might be some relief in setting any emails from their domain to go to a hidden folder in your email that you check, say, once a month — which would give you some control over when you need to deal with them, rather than them just popping up and ruining your day at random. (You could even just not check it, but it sounds like it might be useful to know if they're making any other bizarre claims.)

4. Negotiating for more money when you get a promotion

I emailed you last month thanking you for your advice and your column, because I had just gotten a final interview for an internal position in my company. I’m super excited, because I just got my formal offer letter this morning and I’m definitely going to accept!

I wanted your advice, though, because I’ve read your articles on salary negotiation, and wondered if the rules were any different for internal positions. This position is a title and department jump for me, and I’d like to ask for $1,000 more than the offer. From my research, I know our company pays well at the lower end of the average for similar positions, because we’re 1) relatively smaller and 2) in a niche industry, and 3) we have certain perks like flexible vacation and casual dress. Am I out of line to respond to the offer letter accepting, but asking for the $1,000 extra? I’m nervous because the hiring manager is someone I work closely with, and I don’t want to seem rude. Also, I’m fairly certain that there’s an awareness that even this offer is significantly more than I’m making now, and I don’t want to seem greedy.

Don't accept the offer and ask for more money at the same time; that's giving away all your negotiating power because you're telling them you'll accept the offer regardless. Even if that's true, you don't want to announce that. Instead, say, "I'm really excited about the new role. Would you be able to go up to $X on salary?" Negotiating salary doesn't look greedy! If you ask for something wildly unrealistic, then you look … wildly unrealistic, but "greedy" still isn't the word that would come to mind, at least in healthy organizations.

If they say no, then at that point you can say, "Well, I appreciate you considering it! I'd like to accept regardless.”

5. Should I relocate with my company?

I just learned this morning that my company will be relocating its main regional office in 9 months, to a city 1,500 miles away from my current location. I’m relatively fortunate to be in a position where I could look at relocating with it – no kids, no home ownership, no family in my current city, no deep objection to living in the new city, a job that will still exist (though likely in a somewhat changed form) after the move. What are the things I need to be taking into account in advance of accepting or rejecting a relocation?

Most importantly, of course, do you want to live in the new city? What lifestyle changes might be involved? Can you visit before you decide? If you moved and then left your job in a year (voluntarily or involuntarily), would you regret having moved?

And do you like your job enough to warrant uprooting yourself and moving to a new city for it? What's the likelihood you could find a job you like enough (and that pays enough) in the city where you are?

If you do move, how long do you see yourself staying in your current job or with your current company? If you're going to move on in the next few years and wouldn't otherwise be that interested in the new city, it likely doesn't make sense to move.

Overall, would it improve your life? Or just keep you from having to do a job search right now? The latter on its own isn't a strong enough reason to move.

Other things to look into: the cost of living in the new city compared to your current one (especially for housing), and whether the company will pay any kind of relocation bonus or help with moving expenses.

I have a low-level employee who has always volunteered in nonprofits and worked in academia, and I’d love some tips on helping him change his budget awareness. He is very used to saving every penny of the organization’s money, at the expense of significant amounts of time, which makes sense if the money is scarce and the time is volunteered, but makes absolutely no sense if the money is adequate and the time is paid for.

I’ve explained sticker price vs time costs (multiple times, in multiple ways with multiple examples), and yet any amount of money over about $50 basically sends him into an anxiety spiral where nothing I say makes an impact. I’m willing to shut it down the next time he opens this discussion, since it’s been explained from every angle and isn’t making a difference, but I do need him to be capable of watching the company spend money on (for example) office supplies, IT infrastructure, furniture, advertising, etc. without getting somewhat panicked and suggesting high-effort, high-salary-cost ways of saving minor amounts of money. (For what it’s worth: he doesn’t come from a poor family, so the money anxiety seems to be entirely work-related. He also talks about having anxiety but refuses to seek treatment.)

Is there a framing for this that might sink in, given the work background? I’d rather encourage understanding than just shut it down, but at this point I’ve done what I can think of and I’ll shut it down and lock it up if I have to.

I wrote back and asked, "When you talked to him about it, did you explicitly tell him he needs to stop, or was it more trying to explain why it’s unnecessary? And how directly involved with money/purchasing is his job?” The reply:

About 15% of his job involves either researching options/solutions to issues we are having (for example: find me an email system that can do the following four things, or find me companies that sell this specific thing and book me demos), or interfacing with external suppliers (and therefore seeing the invoices go by). The rest of his job is not directly related to money at all.

I have discussed with him both why specific expenses are necessary AND that this pattern is untenable, which he agrees on when it’s not actively something he’s preoccupied about. But then as soon as something new pops up, he says he’s anxious for a specific new reason, and the spiral starts again.

He agrees when I say something like, "The company finances are being handled. Spending more time to save money is not efficient or lucrative, and company expenses are both planned and approved, and I need you to understand that and manage your feeling about the expenses. I can’t have this discussion every time we buy something. It’s a problem."

But the second something pops up, he genuinely thinks we don’t understand that there are cheaper options, and even when pointed to the original discussion, doesn’t relate it to his behavior — he basically flips it from “I’m doing The Thing About Money” to “my boss is not listening to me and is going to drive the company into the ground, ANXIETY!" — and and I’m like … dude. It’s a replacement office chair. It’s a MID-RANGE OFFICE CHAIR, not even a fancy one! — complete disconnect, even when pointed out.

And then thing is that when he’s not actively anxious, he’s good at his job. But the spirals are killing it.

At this point, barring moving him to a role where there is no knowledge of finance involved at all, I’m at my wits end.

Well, you've done the right thing: You've told him this is a pattern, it's untenable, and it needs to stop. Often in these situations, when I ask a manager how direct they've been about a problem, it turns out they haven't been that direct. They've said "you really don't need to do X" or "it would be great if you could try doing Y," but they haven't directly said "X is a serious problem and I need you to stop doing X." But you've said that, so we can check that off the list.

Since you've done that and it's still happening, it's time to talk with him again and this time escalate the seriousness. Your message this time should be: "We've talked about this previously, but it's still happening. It's disruptive and it's getting in the way of you being able to perform your job effectively. It's become a serious issue, to the point that I'm having to think about whether we can keep you in this role or not. So I want to make sure you’re absolutely clear about the behaviors that cannot continue. You cannot (fill in specific behaviors here). Can you agree to that going forward?”

You might also say, "You've mentioned that you struggle with anxiety. If you need time off for appointments for treatment, I can work with you to ensure you get that time." If your company has an EAP, mention it here. (Also, because he's mentioned anxiety, it's possible that the Americans with Disabilities Act could be in play, so you should talk with your HR people before you have this conversation to make sure you're navigating this legally.)

But from there … if he has untreated, clinical anxiety, there probably isn’t any framing you can find that will solve this, because anxiety isn't rational. So yes, it’s very reasonable to focus on shutting it down rather than trying to reason or cajole him into seeing things differently. So that might mean saying things like:

* "As we've talked about, this isn't up for discussion. The company is going to purchase X and isn't going to do Y to spend less. We need to move on now."

* "Please order the chair I've marked. We're not going to discuss lower-cost options."

* "As you know, I'm not going to discuss this again. Is there anything else you need from me?”

… and so forth.

These sorts of comments would normally feel overly brusque, but in a situation like this one — where the problem has been discussed and it’s not improving — that’s okay. You could certainly give him a warning that you’re going to be doing that (“Since this is continuing to be disruptive, I want you to know that I’m going to have to shut it down when it happens and will need you to move on when I do”). But you’re on solid ground in simply shutting it down.

If that doesn’t mostly solve it, at that point you’d need to think about whether he can succeed in the job as it’s currently configured and, if not, whether there are ways to restructure his role without significant inconvenience to you or others. (If the ADA is in play, you’d need to look at whether he can do the “essential functions” of the job with or without reasonable accommodation. You’d want HR involved for that.)

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