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“my coworkers trash-talk me in a secret group chat, keeping unvaccinated kids out of our office, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

“my coworkers trash-talk me in a secret group chat, keeping unvaccinated kids out of our office, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager


my coworkers trash-talk me in a secret group chat, keeping unvaccinated kids out of our office, and more

Posted: 30 Jan 2019 09:03 PM PST

It's four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My bosses and coworkers have a secret group chat where they trash-talk me

A few months ago, I started a new job in a very small office (only three employees, plus a few interns). I had some trouble acclimating because the environment was so different from my last job. But as far as I knew, I was doing fine.

About a month in, I walked past my coworker's desk (we have an open office) and saw my name pop up on her Slack. It ended up being a groupchat that the entire office was in — including supervisors — except for me. One of my supervisors was recounting a disciplinary conversation he had had with me. (I was using my cellphone at my desk too much; I apologized and said it was very common at my previous job, but that I would stop. For the record, I did stop.)

After that, I started feeling like everyone in the office disliked me. I couldn't stop getting anxious, and there were multiple times that I'd walk past someone's computer and see my name pop up in that same groupchat. I know I should have stopped looking. I don't have an excuse as to why I didn't. I could say that my bosses were communicating with everyone except for me about my shortcomings, but still, I should have kept my eyes on my own paper.

Eventually, I saw my boss tell a coworker that they were planning on firing me, so I put in my two weeks' notice, citing my poor performance in the position (which is valid, to be honest). When I did that, the two aforementioned bosses told me that I was a fine worker and I hadn't been underperforming at all. One of them said, "Are you committed to quitting?" I said yes.

Everyone was super nice about it, to the extent that I wondered if I had imagined the past two months of gossip and plans to fire me. To be fair, I am very easy to gaslight. Not that I was being gaslit in this situation — it's just easy to convince me I'm wrong in my perception of anything. Anyway, once again, I saw the following exchange in the groupchat while my coworker talked to me about something: "She said she's COMMITTED to quitting" "Feels good to get a monkey off your back" "She's so skinny"

How do I deal with the next week and a half at this job? I can't really listen to music or podcasts or anything. I already have clinically-diagnosed anxiety and I can't stop myself from catastrophizing everything that happens at work. I take a lot of bathroom breaks for the specific purpose of panicking. I'm so scared of seeing them say something else about me — or misrepresent something I said — but I'm even more scared of missing out on what they say. Would it be reasonable to cut my two weeks short? Should I confront someone about what I saw? This is taking a huge toll on my mental health.

Since you've only been there a few months, there's no real benefit to including this job on your resume — and if you leave it off, you don't need to worry about them being called as a reference. That means that you can walk out of there today if you want to, and as you do so, feel free to say, "I saw the group chat you've been having about me, and it sounds like you'd prefer that I leave today, so I'm going to pack up now. Best of luck to you."

The reason they're being nice to your face while trash-talking you behind your back is that they're horrible people, but being nice to your face lets them believe they're not being mean.

2. Keeping unvaccinated kids out of our office

I have a coworker who opted out of vaccinations for her three children. I live in an area currently experiencing a measels outbreak. A state of emergency has been declared by the governor over it. I am vaccinated and don’t have kids of my own. However, several of my other coworkers have kids as young as 4 weeks. Tbe antivax coworker brings their kids in from time to time, which brings me to my question. Is it even possible to ask my coworker to keep their adorable infectious disease vectors away from the office, for the sake of the kids too young to be vaccinated? I work for a state agency, for what it’s worth.

I can't speak to how being at a state agency might impact this, but generally speaking, your employer can absolutely require that unvaccinated kids be kept out of your office. And you or your coworkers can make that request as well — it just won't have the teeth that it'll have coming from your employer, so if you can get it made official, that's your better option. (Anyone want to weigh in via the comments on how being a public agency might affect things?)

3. My office is hosting a whisky tasting, and I'm a recovering alcoholic

I'm a young professional working in the finance industry, and I'm also a recovering alcoholic with two years sober. I recently transferred to a new location for my firm. Much of my industry's culture centers on alcohol, even more so in my new city, and for the most part this is fine. I'm confident enough in my sobriety that I have no problem attending open bars and drinking Diet Coke all night—I even went on a freaking office booze cruise and didn't drink. Most of my coworkers don't even notice. It's not my favorite way to spend an evening, but I know I'm the abnormal one here and I don't expect others to not do something they enjoy for my sake.

But at this new location, there's a big networking event every year with people from across the industry. This event is a very big deal at the firm, and while attendance isn't strictly mandatory, it's expected. This year, the event is a whisky tasting with an open bar afterward. There's a line for me, and this is it. If I just preferred not to drink (which is what I've told the few coworkers who have noticed my teetotaling), I could presumably still do a tasting, but I really can't even swirl alcohol in my mouth. How can I excuse myself from this thing without raising more questions and attention?

Three basic options: have a conflict with that date, be sick that day, or let your boss know why you're not attending. Which of those to pick depends on how much your boss would care if you're not there, and how comfortable you'd be (or not be) letting her know you're not up for such an alcohol-centric event.

The advantage to letting your boss know is that it'll cover you if something similar comes up again (plus it might nudge your office into realizing this event will leave people out — not just recovering alcoholics, but people who don't drink for other reasons too — and perhaps they’ll factor that into future plans). And being a recovering alcoholic who's sober isn't terribly stigmatizing, at least not around reasonably savvy adults. But if your'e not comfortable doing that, you've got those other two options too.

4. My boss makes working overtime sound like a favor to me

Over the last year, my boss has developed a really annoying habit and I’m not sure if I can say or do anything about it. We work in an underfunded, understaffed department, so there is always overtime hours/days available. It’s never forced on anyone, instead relying on a volunteer system.

However, whenever my boss asks me if I can work extra days, he frames it as doing me a favor! For example, last time he asked, it was something like, "Hey, you can get extra hours on (date) if you’d like! I’m asking you first so you don’t miss out." (That isn’t true. The policy is people with part-time hours are offered extra days first. I’m full-time.) He hasn’t always done this. Before it was more "We’re short people and there’s a lot going on. Can you work?"

I luckily don’t need the overtime pay and working six-plus days in a row is more stress than it’s worth. Plus I’m already suffering from burn-out (taking some time off soon to help with that.) I wouldn’t mind helping my coworkers or department out every once in a while, if he worded it differently and was more honest. Am I being too rigid and is there any way to talk to him about this?

Well, you might be taking the wording too literally. It's possible that other people have indicated they are grateful to be offered the hours, and so he figures everyone is. Or who knows, maybe he's trying to manipulate you into saying yes.

I think you're fine continuing to turn down the overtime if you want to. But if you'd rather ensure you know when the request is more dire, you could say, "No thanks — sounds like you have other people who might want to do it, but if you're ever in a situation where you can't get anyone and you really need people to help out, let me know." Or even, "Just so you know, I'll usually turn down overtime offers since I mostly prefer sticking to my regular schedule, but if you ever really need people to help out, let me know."

my coworkers trash-talk me in a secret group chat, keeping unvaccinated kids out of our office, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

my boyfriend thinks only bad candidates prepare for interviews

Posted: 30 Jan 2019 10:59 AM PST

A reader writes:

I (24F) graduated from college two years ago and was lucky enough to fairly quickly find a job in my field. I'm currently still working there, while also attending graduate school part-time. My boyfriend (26M) is currently in his last year of college and has started looking for his first post-college job in his field (tech).

Last week he was invited to several interviews at different companies in his field in our area. A few days before the first interview, I asked him how his interview preparations were going and indicated that if he needed someone to bounce his thoughts off, I'd be happy to help. At this, he scoffed and said "Why would I be preparing for my interviews? People don't do that, at least not unless you're not really qualified and are trying to think of ways to make yourself look better than you really are … I've never prepared for an interview in my life and I've never applied for a job I didn't get!" (For context, all of his previous jobs have been part-time jobs in retail or food service). I disagree pretty strongly with the idea that only bad candidates need to prepare for interviews, but I didn't feel it was my place to push so I gave a few brief suggestions on how I generally prepare for interviews and left it at that.

Well, now he's had all of the interviews he had scheduled and has received rejections from all of them. He says they all went terribly and that he was embarrassed about them, but doesn't seem to think his lack of preparation played any part. By no means do I consider myself to be an interview or job searching pro, but I do feel like I could help him find some resources (such as your free guide on how to prepare for an interview!) that would give him a better idea of how candidates should prepare for professional interviews, help him improve his interview skills in general, and overall help him become a better candidate.

How can I point him in the right direction in a way that comes across as helpful and supportive instead of seeming like I think I'm better than him or am saying "I told you so"? Is that possible, or am I better off continuing to leave it alone and let him figure it out for himself?

Oh dear.

Does your boyfriend have a pattern of thinking he knows best even in areas where he's inexperienced and of ignoring evidence to the contrary? Or does he just have a weird blind spot about job searching? I know you're not asking me for relationship advice, but if it's the former, that can be really rough to live with long-term. On the other hand, he's also right around the age where life tends to knock a lot of humility into people, if they pay attention. (Maybe a bit past it, actually, but not outrageously so.)

The thing that concerns me the most isn't that he believes no one prepares for job interviews — that's a weird thing to think, but people think all sorts of weird things when they're new to the professional world. What worries me is that after bombing the interviews, he still doesn't think preparation might help next time. That's an odd digging-in of the heels, especially when someone he likes and respects (you) is making a rational argument for a different approach, and I wonder what's behind it. Does he think he knows best and hate being wrong? Is he conflicted about moving into professional jobs or afraid of failure, and so he's self-sabotaging?

If your question is really just how and whether you can point him in the right direction while still being supportive … I do think you can do that in general, but might not be able to do it with him specifically, depending on what's behind this. The approach I'd take is to lay out what you're seeing — not just "hey, preparing for interviews helps and is actually a thing you're expected to do," but "the way you're approaching this is surprising to me, seems like self-sabotage, and I wonder what's going on." It's a more intimate conversation, and it's probably the one that would help both of you the most.

Beyond that, you could show him articles like this and this, which make the point that preparing for an interview is both normal and smart. (There's also my free guide to preparing for a job interview if you do manage to convince him.) And you could ask if he'd be willing to try an experiment and prepare for just one interview this way, and then decide for himself afterwards if it was worth doing or not.

But if he's not open to that, then you're at the limits of what you can do as a concerned partner, and it's up to him to figure it out from there.

my boyfriend thinks only bad candidates prepare for interviews was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

how can I be a good manager?

Posted: 30 Jan 2019 09:30 AM PST


A reader writes:

Long story short, I finished grad school about two years ago and started a company with a colleague. It has evolved into something much bigger and better than either of us anticipated. We now have three full time staff – another statistician (like us), a software developer, and an office/operations manager. We also have some part-time contractors.

I'm 32 and besides being a maid during university and various academic research/teaching positions, I've never had a 'real' job. Now all of a sudden, I'm a manager in the private sector, and I live in perpetual fear of being a horrible one. My co-founder and I have great communication (she has a background in psychology and we've both been through lots of therapy!) so we like to talk about our feelings. But I have been really struggling with how to best communicate with and support our staff. I'm not used to the boss/employee dynamic. My primary concerns are:

(1) Finding the right balance of casual, fun startup vibes but also making sure I command enough respect that people understand I have the final say.

(2) Identifying my weaknesses/flaws that I might be entirely oblivious to. It’s hard to get honest feedback from such a small team, and I’m not sure how to best solicit it.

Short of going back in time and getting some work experience before accidentally starting a company, how can I learn to be a solid, effective manager now?

 

 

how can I be a good manager? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

my new job doesn’t give raises — ever

Posted: 30 Jan 2019 07:59 AM PST

A reader writes:

I recently accepted my dream job. I’ve since learned that the company does not give out raises. They offer a small, variable, annual bonus depending on company performance instead of cost of living adjustments or merit raises.

I am getting by on my current salary in Expensive City for now and hadn’t planned to ask for a raise for at least a year. But I worry that I hamstrung myself by not negotiating for more initially. I’m happy in my position but have no growth opportunities aside from lateral transfers, which don’t interest me because I like my work and love my team. I realize my best option may be to negotiate for other perks.. But I already enjoy ample PTO and a generous work-from-home policy. I might sound like an entitled millennial, but I have medical bills and student loans … I could definitely use a little more cash!

I am tracking my accomplishments, owning my development, and brainstorming extra projects to show my increased value for an eventual conversation around my salary with my boss. Is there anything else I can do in this situation aside from get a side gig, move to the suburbs to save money, or look for another job? More broadly – am I naive for expecting my wages to grow with my value, or is the elimination of raises and COL adjustments just the reality of employment in 2019?

No, it's not the reality of employment. Your dream job is not in fact a dream job, because your company suuucccks.

Here's what not giving out merit raises means:
* As your contributions to the company increase, you won’t be compensated accordingly. When you’ve been in your job for a few years, they're going to be paying you for the value you brought to the job in your first few months.
* If everyone in roles similar to yours starts at roughly the same salary and stays at that salary, you're going to be paid the same as the slacker on your team who barely scrapes by.
* Unlike with raises, which become a fixed part of your salary, your company can decide at any time not to do those “small, variable, annual bonuses.”
* When you look for a new job, if you encounter a company that pegs their offer to your existing salary (which is BS, but still really common), you’ll be at a huge disadvantage because your salary will be out of date for your value.
* Most importantly, your company so devalues its employees’ contributions that it doesn't think your value increases over time and doesn't think it needs to pay you for that.

Here's what not giving out cost-of-living raises means:
* Your salary is going to decrease in real dollars every year. You'll have less buying power in three years than you have now. Not only will your company not reward you for performing at a higher level, they're actually financially penalizing you.

You are not naive, and you are not an entitled millennial. And please toss that phrase, even when you're using it ironically or to self-deprecate. Y'all were never entitled, and let's not play into that narrative.

But if you otherwise like the job (and give it some time before you decide that!), there’s nothing wrong with staying a couple of years. You wouldn't expect a raise during your first year anyway, and an additional year without an increase isn't outrageous. But after two years, I'd plan to start looking for a company that doesn't devalue employees this way.

my new job doesn’t give raises — ever was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

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