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“my boss is obsessed with not being invited to my wedding, I earn more comp time than I can use, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

“my boss is obsessed with not being invited to my wedding, I earn more comp time than I can use, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager


my boss is obsessed with not being invited to my wedding, I earn more comp time than I can use, and more

Posted: 15 Jan 2019 09:03 PM PST

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss keeps talking about not being invited to my wedding

I got married late in 2018. It wasn't a small wedding, but I only invited a handful of my current coworkers, and I work for a mid-sized company. Leading up to the wedding, my boss made a few comments about the wedding and getting an invitation, and I tried to explain that we wouldn't be able to invite everyone, but now, two months after the wedding, he's still talking about the fact that he didn't get an invitation, and making up a story about a coworker, who also was not invited, FaceTiming him from the reception.

And to make matters worse, he's discussing the fact that I didn't change my last name and making it seem like I didn't so it would be easier to end the marriage. Not that it's his business, but I told him my husband is okay with me not changing my name so I felt like no other opinions mattered. I'm not really sure what to do. I didn't invite him to the wedding because it's just not possible to invite everyone, and now I'm getting grief for it and having the fact that I'm not changing my name used as a reason I'm going to get divorced. Please help!

Your manager is being really weird and inappropriate here. The next time he brings up the fact that he wasn't at the wedding, try saying this, "You've brought that up a lot, and I don't know how to respond. It makes me feel like as my boss you’re holding it against me that we didn't have you at the wedding — and obviously that would be really wrong! Could we agree to drop this and not keep discussing it?"

And if he bring up you not changing your name again, please say this: "I'm really not interested in discussing my choice to keep my name. Could we drop that as well?" And if he continues to push: "We're getting awfully close to a situation where I have a boss pressuring me to do something because I'm a woman, and that's awfully problematic in a workplace. Can we agree to drop it?" Or depending on the relationship you have with him: "Bob! This is getting so boring and you are making yourself look terrible.”

Ideally someone who's not you would point out to him that he's embarrassing himself with this.

2. My manager wants me to donate to his kid's private school

I live in a state that has an education tax credit program whereby you can make a charitable donation to a public or private school and then get a dollar-for-dollar credit on your state income tax return, not just the standard charitable donation credit.

My manager, who likely makes around twice my salary, has a child in a private school and recently approached me to make a tax credit donation to his child’s school, which would help offset the tuition bill. I was taken aback and unsure of how to respond. I am a single parent and I have 2 children in public school myself and, if I were able to afford to make such a donation at this time, which I am not, I’d prefer to make it to their school. He’s awaiting an answer from me and I’m not sure what to tell him. I almost feel like this is a quid pro quo situation that may affect my employment. What should I do?

What on earth?! It's outrageous enough that he's asking you to make a donation to his kid's private school, but am I reading this correctly that your donation would lower his tuition bill? If so, it’s an abuse of power for him to even ask you that. Either way, this is gross and offensive. It's bad enough when managers pressure employees for charitable donations, but to his kid's private school? Ick, no.

As for what to do, say this to him: "I don't have it in my budget — sorry!" Just be cheerfully brisk and matter-of-fact. And if you get any pushback at all: "I can't even afford the donation that I'd like to make to my own kids' school, Fergus! I should be asking you to help me with that!" That will probably take care of it, but if for any reason it doesn't, this is worth taking to HR (who will probably be appalled).

For what it's worth, it's easier to respond to this kind of thing in the moment with "no, can't do that” rather than saying you'll think about it (which then means having to go back and have a second conversation about it, and making the person think it's a reasonable request that you're taking seriously). But it's completely normal to be so taken aback in the moment that you default to that.

3. I earn far more comp time than I can use

I work in a field that can be at times, fairly 24x7x365. I was fully aware of this fact going in to my field, so that isn’t really a problem. What is a problem is, I’m an exempt employee and it is our policy that if you work overtime as an exempt employee, you are allowed to use those extra hours to take time off without utilizing PTO.

However, I cannot possibly use the amount of overtime I generate, I usually generate between 40 to 80 hours worth of overtime during a project. There are usually four to seven projects a year, often back to back. I’ve had over a month of usable overtime hours worth of vacation time at various points in the year. This doesn’t even include my actual accrued PTO, which is a little over two weeks a year. I basically used none of my PTO in 2018 (it rolls over luckily, but it does stop accruing at a certain threshold I’m not far off from, from other years of no PTO). I still have almost two weeks of non-PTO time despite using about 40-ish hours of it. I want to be fairly compensated for my time but it’s nearly impossible to use the amount of time off I generate and then also use my PTO. I would be taking at least solid month a year, at least, to utilize it all, which is not possible.

Is there any other way I don’t know about that a salaried, exempt employee could be compensated for their overtime that I could discuss with my boss or do I just have to let it go to waste? If it was just a few hours here and there I wouldn't mind, but it leaves a bad taste in my mouth to toss 60 hours of extra hours out the window. We used to have cashable PTO several years ago but that has since been taken away and we only have non-cashable PTO now so that is likely not an option.

You might need to look at it differently. As an exempt employee, it's not typical to be compensated for every hour you work (that's a pretty core piece of being exempt). Your company is trying to recognize that you're working really long hours by offering you a way to accrue more time off (a form of comp time). But realistically, you can't take off all the comp time that you earn on an hour-for-hour basis because (a) you're earning a huge amount of it; it sounds like you're earning 160-560 hours of comp time a year (which is four to 14 weeks on top of your PTO!) and (b) you're in a busy job with long hours. If you look at it as "I earn an hour of comp time for every hour of overtime I work," you're going to be frustrated that you can't use it all. It would be better to look at it as "I work long hours and get additional time off in exchange" — i.e., not focusing on the hour for hour aspect, which doesn't sound like it's a realistic set-up in your context.

The most important thing is to make sure you're getting a reasonable amount of vacation during the year. I think you are, based on the math here — but if you're not, talk to your boss about that and ask for help in planning some real time off later this year (it's sometimes easier to get if you plan way in advance for it). Beyond that, though, realize that this massive amount of comp time is an illusion — you can't take as much as you accrue, period. There might be value in pointing that out to your boss and asking that the long hours you work instead be reflected in your next raise. (But they also may feel like it was never intended to be taken hour for hour; it’s just intended to ensure you’re not being nickel and dimed on your PTO when you work such long hours.)

4. Can I ask my boss for more breaks in our meetings?

I recently switched jobs, and my new position is a great fit with one exception: long meetings. My manager has scheduled a weekly 90-minute meeting for my team of five, which sometimes pushes to two hours. My attention span caps out around 50 minutes, and I find myself doodling, on my phone, or just completely zoning out halfway through.

Would it be appropriate to ask my manager if we can plan for a “stretch and coffee break” in these meetings? I know a short break will help me focus, but so far my distraction hasn’t been remarked on, and I’m worried that if I bring it up I’ll just be drawing attention to the problem.

How new are you? If you're brand new, I'd wait until you've been there a little longer (like a few months) before suggesting changing up the way they do meetings — but at that point, you can absolutely say something like, "When we go to two hours, I'm finding I focus better if I can take a short break for coffee or the bathroom at the one-hour mark — any chance we can make that part of the routine going forward?"

But until then — and for the meetings that stick to 90 minutes — it's fine for you to take a bathroom break without making it part of the formal routine! There's nothing wrong with excusing yourself for the bathroom and using that time to stretch or refresh a beverage. (I mean, don't stay away 15 minutes or return with an elaborate, lovingly garnished drink, but five-minute bathroom breaks taken as the need arrises are pretty normal.)

5. Taking long calls in a cubical farm

What’s the etiquette for taking non-sensitive, hour-long, work-related phone calls at your desk in a cubical farm? It’s common in my office for people to stop and chat in the halls, but everyone can hear each others’ conversations. We have conference rooms, but larger meetings obviously take precedence over phone calls there. My concern is disturbing my nearby coworkers who will indubitably hear every word I say.

It's the nature of working in a cubicle farm; you're going to hear each other's phone conversations. If the space is generally pretty quiet, it’s considerate to use a conference room if one is available and you know the call is going to be long. But if that's not practical (because the rooms are booked or need to stay open for meetings, or because long calls are a daily part of your job and it's easier to take them from your desk), it's fine to stay at your desk. That level of noise is pretty expected in that work set-up — which is often frustrating, but the burden isn't on you to solve that. (My answer would be different, though, if you were taking lengthy personal calls. In that case, I'd urge you to find another space or reduce the calls. But these are work calls, and it's not unreasonable to have work calls at your desk.)

my boss is obsessed with not being invited to my wedding, I earn more comp time than I can use, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

my company moved me to 5 countries in 12 months, got me deported, and is angry I want to quit

Posted: 15 Jan 2019 10:59 AM PST

A reader writes:

I started my current job knowing I would be based abroad in Morocco. However, there were visa issues and I ended up spending the first year across five different countries — each time not knowing the end date for my stationing. The company does not help with housing. I did eventually get settled in Morocco. However, my company had me go there on a particular type of visa which we all knew was only borderline appropriate for my work, and I ended up getting deported because of it.

This company is set up like the big consulting firms — suck up people with high grades right out of college for two years. They’re clearly serious about the two-year commitment and have stuck by me through all the visa trouble. When I called to say I was getting deported, they immediately bought me tickets to my home country.

So at this point I’ve spent more than a year trying to make the specific job offer I got a reality, and it’s clear I won’t be able to, and it’s been so miserable. I’ve explained that I’m pretty tired of last-minute relocations to cities where I don’t know anyone and I floated that I might want to find a job that would just let me stay in my home country, now that I’m back here anyway.

I was told that would be considered a very serious violation of the organization’s trust, and I should avoid damaging my reputation like that. That sounds bonkers to me. I understand it’s been an inconvenient period for them, too, but in addition to my five intercontinental relocations, there’ve been just as many planned but scrapped at the last minute. The whole thing strikes me as pretty unreasonable, no?

Meanwhile, I've been collecting bits of info from friendly acquaintances who also left this company before their two years were up, and I'm bracing myself for a wild exit interview. They were told:

* "This would be a terrible mistake for your career"

* "Are you the kind of person who keeps their word, or just greedy?"

* "Why would you leave now? You wanted projects, we're getting projects." (They were not getting projects.)

I'm hearing of pretty consistent references to "abandoning" one's "service" and "disappointment" in "character" and — naturally — a refusal to consider they might not have created an ideal working situation. Sounds fun!

Yep, this is silly.

Any reasonable employer would understand that being moved around to five different countries, despite signing up for one, might cause someone to reconsider staying at a company. These aren't minor upheavals like "go work in our office 20 miles away from this one for a few weeks." These are relocations to five different countries, with zero help with housing each time! And you've also been told to use shady visa practices and been deported because of it (which potentially could affect you if you ever want to return to that country in the future).

It's reasonable to conclude this isn't what you signed up for, and it's reasonable to conclude it's not working.

Even if this looks like it's working fine to them (which would be weird, but we'll go with it), you get to decide that it's not working fine for you.

You've given it more than a good faith effort, and you're miserable. You get to bow out.

It would probably be interesting to ask those friendly acquaintances who also left before two years what consequences, if any, they experienced for leaving when they did. Was it, in fact, a "terrible mistake" for their career, or did no one really care? My money is on the latter. If this is a really prestigious, influential company, I could see worrying that you'll be hurt by the lack of a good reference (especially if this is your only job experience right out of school), but when you explain to potential future employers that you were relocated to five countries in a year with no housing assistance and then got deported, no one is going to fault you for leaving.

my company moved me to 5 countries in 12 months, got me deported, and is angry I want to quit was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

I’m not getting opportunities at work – should I move on?

Posted: 15 Jan 2019 09:29 AM PST

A reader writes:

I’ve been at my job for almost two years now, and in the industry for a while. During the time that I’ve been here, the team I’m on has undergone a lot of changes, including two re-orgs, several upper-level leadership changes, and I have personally switched managers. Throughout this time, I’ve heard many times that we’re going to be working on great things, and that we’re just in the middle of a transitional period. I’ve been patient and keep trying to be optimistic about my work.

I consistently receive very positive performance reviews, and I am trusted to get my work done and establish positive relationships with my teammates and clients. But over the last nine or so months, the work that I wanted to be doing (and was hired to do) hasn’t materialized, and I’ve been pulled onto projects with other managers in areas that aren’t my desired focus. Meanwhile, my teammates and junior teammates are put on the projects that I’ve been asking for all along.

In some ways, this could be a positive — it means that I’m trusted beyond my manager’s team and have a good reputation. It could also mean that my manager doesn’t feel like I’m a good fit for my job, although that hasn’t been stated in any performance review. Mainly, it means that I’ve been doing work I am not especially invested in, and I don’t feel like my career is gaining much by doing these projects.

I’ve spoken to my manager, and she knows the kind of work I’d like to be on, and has agreed that I should be doing. But time after time, I see other colleagues being put on projects that are in line with my own career goals, and I am pulled onto work that doesn’t move me forward. There’s no clear path to promotion, and due to the way that work is handled on my team, I don’t know what projects I’m slated to be on later in the year.

I have started to feel that if I don’t start to see changes in the work I’m doing, or gain a sense of what it would take to move me forward, I need to move on. What’s the best way to approach this with my manager? I don’t want to walk into the room and start with “Give me better work or I’m outta here,” even if that is how I’m starting to feel.

You can read my answer to this letter at New York Magazine today. Head over there to read it.

I'm not getting opportunities at work – should I move on? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

how to say “I’ll quit over this”

Posted: 15 Jan 2019 07:59 AM PST

A reader writes:

Two coworkers and I are outspoken and willing to quit or get fired over some changes to our jobs that are happening due to a new (and terrible) director. An additional two will also quit, but their personal situations prevent them from taking it to our extreme. (I understand, I’m not judging.) I have numerous reasons to expect that after we quit, more people in different positions will follow (that work will fall on their shoulders, and there are other changes they are dealing with too), and this turnover will cause some serious problems for the company all the way up to the shareholders. The company has had a massive turnover event once before, over a year before I started here.

I don’t intend for this to sound like I am full of myself or my importance at the company. No one would miss me if I quit today. However, I strongly feel it is accurate to say that losing the majority of the people in this position will cause significant hardship.

Our jobs are in high demand and we are all experienced employees. Being fired is a consequence we’ve discussed together and accepted. We’re fighting the fight because up until this, our company was a wonderful place to work with a lot of hard-to-find benefits and culture.

We’ve repeatedly brought up these issues with the appropriate people as individuals and as a group. We’ve proposed many solutions, we’ve pointed out the benefits to the company, we’ve pointed out the problems with these changes, we’ve talked to bosses of bosses, etc. I’ve been reading this blog for years, and we’ve done everything I’ve seen you suggest in the past.

I think we’ve done everything we can up to the point of blatantly saying that we refuse these changes (and that we will do what were hired to do and not what we’re being told to do), or we will quit if forced to do them, or you can fire us, and the latter two will domino the company into a lot of familiar long-term pain. And while I would prefer to find another job before I leave, if things were to take a bad turn (like the director started yelling at us, which is a possibility I see coming), quitting on the spot is on the table.

The question is, what is the right way to do something like this? It seems to be inappropriate and counterproductive to walk in and say “Not my job, fire me if you want."

Excellent question!

One option is to meet with your manager and say something like this: "As you know, I feel strongly that this is the wrong approach. I will happily continue doing the work I've been doing for the last X years, but I'm not open to doing (new changes) because (reasons). Given that, how should we proceed?"

Or, instead of asking "How should we proceed?" end with, "I understand if we need to part ways over this" or "Given that, does it makes sense to end my employment?" or "It sounds like we should set an end date for my work here." (Which of these to choose depends on whether you'd rather quit or wait to see if they fire you.)

These situations tend to get infused with a lot of emotion, but ultimately the question that matters here — and the one you need to pose — is, "Knowing that it's not an option for me to do X, does it still make sense for us to work together?”

Sometimes people prefer a more dramatic option — like standing up in a meeting and announcing "This is reprehensible and I quit" or spelling out their resignation in cod or so forth — but really, taking a calm, firm stand of "this is what I will and won't do, so how shall we proceed?" is in many ways more powerful. The dramatic approach is easier for employers to brush off as someone being self-indulgent and short-sighted, and even to roll their eyes at it. Not so with the calmer approach.

That said, sometimes you might want the more dramatic approach and that's your prerogative. Just choose it deliberately and with full knowledge of the potential consequences … including that it will burn the bridge more thoroughly and it may look overblown to people who see it and don't know the full story, or even to those who do. (And that can have consequences you don't expect, like making people who weren't part of the problem here hesitate to recommend you to jobs in their network, because they worry you have a penchant for drama or acting on impulse.)

On the other hand, if you're ready to quit anyway and you’re okay with it being today and someone starts yelling at you or otherwise treating you abusively, there's nothing wrong with firmly saying, "I won't be spoken to that way and so today will be last day." (Or if you want to give notice: "I won't be spoken to that way, and so I'm formally giving you notice of my resignation. Let's plan on my last day being two weeks from today.")

One last note: In some cases, it makes sense to have the "how should we proceed?" conversation with someone above your boss. Not in all cases, but if your sense is that someone above your boss would try much harder than she would to salvage things with you, it can make sense to go to that person and say, "I'm at the point where I don't think this can be resolved. Given that I'm not willing to do (new changes), does it make sense to set an end date for my work?" Sometimes that person might step in upon hearing you're ready to leave over it — but of course they might not, so you can’t do this as a bluff. You've got to be planning to follow through on it.

Good luck.

how to say “I’ll quit over this” was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

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