“our son-in-law works for us and won’t show up on time, manager wants to talk about God’s plan, and more” plus 1 more Ask a Manager

our son-in-law works for us and won’t show up on time, manager wants to talk about God’s plan, and more

Posted: 09 Dec 2018 09:03 PM PST

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Our son-in-law works for us and won't show up on time

We have had a family-owned business for 18 years. My dilemma is I have a 30-year-old future son-in-law who has been in our family for 10 years and worked for us for seven. He is a great employee as far as handling things around our shop, working steadily doing day to day tasks. He takes his job seriously when he is there. The problem is he comes in late every day and does not clock in or out. Everyone else is expected to do this, but he does not. My husband sat him down and talked with him about it just yesterday, and today he showed up two hours late and still did not clock in or out.

I am confused by this behavior. Obviously he feels that he is superior to everyone in the shop and does not have to go by this rule. I do not want to start a big fight as we have had a huge problem in the past with a family member taking advantage and had to let him go. He has not done this for the whole time he has been employed with us, just for the last couple of years. I have tried to talk with him before but he has told me it is different for him because he is a member of our family. I do consider this my error in letting it go for so long, but have no clue as how to talk with him about it, and my husband will just blow up and possibly let him go, which will ruin our family relationship with our daughter. How do I speak with him about it and what are some good suggestions for making him come in on time?

Well, you can try telling him very directly that, contrary to what he's said in the past, he's not exempt from your business's rules just because he's family, and that you need him to be on time and clock in and out. And you can tell him the only way you can continue employing him is if he plays by the same rules as everyone else. But if you say those things and don't really mean them — in other words, if you're not willing to hold him accountable as you would other employees — then you're effectively ceding all power over to him, and at that point you're just relying on wheedling and cajoling him into changing his behavior. That puts you in a really bad situation. Do you want to employ a son-in-law who won't respect you as his employer and refuses to abide by your workplace policies?

It sounds like you and your husband need to decide if you're willing to hold him to the same expectations as everyone else or not. One way to go about it that might minimize tension with your daughter (or maybe not, depending on how fair and reasonable she is) is to frame it as, "Bob, it's up to you if you want to keep working here. If you want to stay, you need to arrive on time and clock in and out like everyone else. We hope you'll decide to stay, but this is non-negotiable — and if you don't do those things, we'll assume you've decided the job isn't for you anymore, and we'll need to mutually figure out an ending date."

Alternately, if you want to preserve family harmony at all costs, you could think about whether there's a way to restructure his job — or your expectations of him — so that he has more flexible hours and isn't required to clock in. If you do that, though, realize that you're valuing family harmony a lot more than he is, which sucks but might be the reality of it.

2. Manager wants to talk about God's plan with employees who share his religion

I'm a team leader in a large call center. We are on-boarding a new leader (an internal promotion from our team) who is pretty religious. Through the time we were developing him for this role, we had to help him see why bringing up religion causally in conversations (i.e., talking about things being God's plan) isn't appropriate with a direct report because if they don’t share your belief it could make them very uncomfortable, or others could overhear and feel uncomfortable. He's wondering if it's okay for him to talk about his faith if he's in a closed-door meeting with a report he knows to share his beliefs. He would never ask them about it, but if they bring up on their own that they are Christian, is it okay for him to then engage in conversations about God's plan as pertains to work? I typically put politics and religion into the same bucket of "things I don't discuss with my direct reports" regardless of whether we're on the same page. What do you think?

No, he absolutely should not do that. He can’t know for sure that the person welcomes religious conversation with their boss — or that particular type of religious conversation — or that they won't feel pressured to allow him to continue once it starts. Or they may welcome it at first but then stop welcoming it. And pushing unwelcome religious talk on an employee is veering into lawsuit territory. Moreover, if other employees hear about these conversations, they may assume he favors the person who shares his religious beliefs — which again can be lawsuit territory. He's at high risk of making people he manages feel uncomfortable and of opening your company up to legal liability.

It’s particularly alarming that he's still looking for ways to talk to religion with people he manages after you’ve already told him to stop. I'd be very concerned that he doesn’t understand his responsibilities and obligations as a manager or what they’re rooted in and why, and that’s seriously bad news because it means you can’t trust him in the way you need to.

3. Laying someone off right before Christmas

I have a very part-time admin worker who has been with us for about 6 months. We are a very small company with a tight budget. Unfortunately, the last few months have been rough and I need to make some cuts. I have also been struggling with getting this employee up-to-speed and it seems like she is just not a good fit for the role. I have made the decision to let her go. However, Christmas is in a few weeks and I am not sure if I should wait to let her go in January or let her go now.

Financially, keeping her through December will be doable, but I am wondering if it might be better for her to know that she is going to be let go and give her a chance to look for a new job now? Her background is in retail, and it would probably be pretty easy for her to pick up a seasonal part-time job in retail now. Plus, she might need to cut back on holiday spending if she knew she was going to be losing the income from this job.

So, should I let her go now and be the jerk that fires someone right before Christmas in the hopes that she will be able to jump into another job for the seasonal rush? Or, wait until January and don’t ruin the holidays? I would also be able to pay her a severance of two weeks pay if I let her go now. But might not if I wait to let her go.

She does have another job, so this is not her only source of income. What are your thoughts?

If it weren't going to cause hardship to your business and you had the option of keeping her on a bit longer, I'd suggest doing that, because a lot of people find it heartless to let someone go just before Christmas (and you have to factor in what other employees might think as well). But in this case it doesn't sound like you really have the option — and I bet she'd prefer to do it now if that's the only way she'll get severance. And you're right to think she might prefer the notice before she finishes her holiday spending.

Explain that you feel terrible about the timing, wouldn't be doing it now if you had other options, and that doing it now means you can offer her severance that you might not be able to offer later.

Also, make sure you're using the right language: You're laying her off (eliminating her position), not firing her (which would imply it was because of her performance or behavior).

4. Giving Christmas cards to my employees

Should I give Christmas cards to my direct reports? I'm a mid level manager with 28 reports. I plan to give cards to my peers, and it's likely that my direct reports will see them on other leaders’ desks and could feel put off by not having gotten one, especially since one of my reports gave me a card. My main thought about why I don't want to is that I don't want them to feel obligated to put it up at their desk when what they really want to do is shred it. Would scanning one and sending it digitally be a good middle ground.

Yeah, if you're giving them to other coworkers, it would be weird not to give them to your employees. (And similarly, don't do scanned cards for them if you're doing paper cards for everyone else; it risks coming across as if you didn't think they were worth the same amount of effort.) I don't think you need to worry too much about people feel obligated to display them at their desks; some people display cards and some people don't, and those who don't can tell themselves you'll assume they took it home.

One note though — please don't give Christmas cards to everyone unless you know for a fact (and aren't just guessing) that they celebrate Christmas. Many people don't, and it can be alienating to have your boss assume that you do. You're better off defaulting to a more generic holiday card, or something with a winter or new year's theme.

5. Manager left a write-up for me with no discussion

My employer left a write-up for me in my desk without discussing it in person and asked for me to review and sign it. Is my employer not obligated to meet with me in person to review a write-up?

Do you mean legally? If so, no — although it's certainly bad management to just leave that for someone without talking to them about it. But there's no reason you can't say to your boss, "Do you have a few minutes to talk with me about this? I want to make sure I'm clear about your concerns and what you'd like me to be doing differently." Or if you're already clear about the concerns and simply disagree with your manager's take, then something like: "Do you have time later today so we can talk about your concern?"

I am excited to say that after being a stay at home parent for 15 months, I started a new part time position about two months ago! Being home full time could be lonely and stressful, but I still feel really lucky that I got to just focus on my kids after a rough few years for our family. But after about 10 months, I started to feel aimless and antsy, and I knew it was time to rejoin the workforce.

At the last job I held before I left the workforce, I was managing a team of teapot builders. I realize now that I was getting really burned out managing people, and I was expending a lot of mental energy dealing with staff and client issues and crises with very little work that I was able to “own.” While I think I was pretty decent at managing (thanks, Allison!), it was very taxing for me, especially because of an office culture where the relationship between management and staff could be quite adversarial at times.

I have now transitioned my career to doing marketing for a different teapot organization. My new position is a great fit because I get to use all of the knowledge I gained through years in the teapot industry while doing something new and contributing in a different way. Plus, the work is a lot more independent so I am able to work part time without it affecting other employees. I never thought this was the direction my career would take but I am so happy it has worked out this way!

I am especially grateful for all of AAM’s advice for applying and interviewing for jobs. At the beginning of my job search I set aside some time to come up with an updated resume and cover letter outline that I could easily adjust based on the jobs I was applying for. In fact, when I had my second interview with the CEO of the organization that eventually hired me, she told me that mine was literally the best cover letter she’d ever read.

A few commenters seemed disappointed in my decision to leave the workforce to care for a child. However, there were a couple of things that I didn’t mention in my first update. First, this was not my first baby. I already had a preschooler at home, and shortly after I found out I was pregnant the older child was diagnosed with a medical condition that is not serious, but requires frequent doctor’s appointments. Second, shortly before our baby was born, my husband transitioned to a new field and got a job with an hour commute each way. Before starting his new job, he had worked in a place with a lot of flexibility that was about a 10-minute walk from our house. Third, we only have one car because my husband takes public transit to work. After seeing how our lives functioned with all those constraints and just one child, I started having anxiety attacks at the thought of holding everything together while also being a good employee, and it was just too much to consider after the baby was born.

I think I did the best that I could by my family and my career considering the circumstances. I landed in a good place and I am truly grateful for AAM’s advice and community.

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