“my boss chastised me about my menstrual cramps, job-searching with four vacations already booked, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

my boss chastised me about my menstrual cramps, job-searching with four vacations already booked, and more
am I supposed to confirm interviews the day before?
my employee keeps venting to his coworkers but won’t talk to me
I suck at my job but am otherwise a delightful person

my boss chastised me about my menstrual cramps, job-searching with four vacations already booked, and more

Posted: 30 Jul 2018 09:03 PM PDT

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My boss chastised me for being in pain from menstrual cramps

I just had something happen at work that I'm fairly insulted by: I got my period this morning and my cramps are extra bad. I thought I threw my painkillers in my purse on the way out the door, but apparently I must have missed because they weren't there when I got to work. So my cramps continued to get worse and you can definitely see it on my face, but I didn't want to spend the ridiculous amount that convenience stores charge for a tiny bottle of painkillers. My manager saw that I was in pain and he said, "You need to take care of this because this is unprofessional. It's unprofessional for you to be in pain on the floor. You need to go to the store and buy painkillers." (I work in auto sales as a sales consultant. There were absolutely no customers in the dealership at the time and I was in the manager's office telling him he had a call, so I was wincing while out of view of anyone.)

Needless to say, I feel rather insulted and fairly discriminated against. Was it okay for my manager to say that? Oh and of course, the cramps are bad enough that painkillers aren't helping anyway, so it was a complete waste of time. Maybe now I'll just get fired because of my own body that I can't control.

It's true that when you're working with customers (which you weren't), it's not great to be visibly in pain. But then the appropriate response from your boss would have been to check in about how you were doing and whether needed anything and whether you should go home, because you are a fellow human who is suffering … not to call you unprofessional for having a body that sometimes experiences pain.

The only way what your manager said would be justified would be if you were, like, lying on the floor grimacing and clutching your sides and loudly cursing your uterus while calling out for the comfort of your mother, and otherwise turning your cramps into a public set piece. Assuming that's not what was happening, your boss sounds like an ass.

2. My coworker is job-searching — should I tell our boss?

I was in a meeting with my coworker today (just the two of us) and she was screen-sharing with me. She accidentally showed her personal email account, which had several emails regarding interviews and her resume. I only saw it for a second but now I’m concerned that she could be a flight risk. I just stared this job a few weeks ago and rely on her for her expertise (we have the same job and same level, but she has been here for several years). Should I tell my boss about her potentially leaving? Or should I pretend I didn’t see anything on her computer screen, since it was after all on her private email and she didn’t mean for me to see it?

Ooooh no, do not say anything to your boss about this. This wasn't information that you were supposed to see, and it is so very much Not Your Business, especially as a brand new employee. (It wouldn't be your business as a not-new employee either, but it's especially the case when you're so new.)

Anyone could be a flight risk at any time, assuming you're not working with indentured servants. That's just part of the deal! I get that you're relying on her to train you, but really, she could win the lottery tomorrow and never come back, and your employer would find a way to make do.

3. I'm job searching and have four upcoming vacations already booked

When is it appropriate to inform the potential employer of any upcoming vacations that have already been booked? I’m currently job searching and my husband and I have already booked four upcoming vacations before the end of this year. The first is a week long. The one after is over Labor Day weekend but includes the Thursday and Friday of that weekend. Then a friend’s bachelorette which is Thursday to Sunday. The last one is 10 days over Christmas, which my husband and I are calling our honeymoon since we didn't get to go on one yet. Is this going to hurt my chances of getting hired?

In general with pre-booked vacations, you wait until you have an offer and then explain the dates you already have booked and ask if they can be accommodated. This stuff can often be negotiated as part of an offer, but you must bring it up then and not spring it on your boss after you're already hired.

That said, this is a lot of time to ask to have off in the first five months of a new job, especially the 10 days over Christmas, which is a time that a lot of other people might already have dibs on (and which could be a problem if you're in a job that requires coverage — some do and some don't). The 10 days at Christmas might be fine if they were all you were asking for, but combined with another week, plus two days, plus two more days … it's a lot, especially if you're not coming in at a senior level (where you might have more leverage).

If you can, I'd pick one of the long ones, but not both. And then present this not as a settled thing that will be happening, but rather as a question about whether or not it could be accommodated, making it clear you’d be willing to cancel some of them if needed (assuming it’s not a deal-breaker for you).

4. My former coworkers won't stop contacting me with gossip

A little over a month ago my one-year temporary position ended, but since then I haven't been able to get my old coworkers to stop contacting me. On the job I had many "work friends" and left on great terms (company-sponsored happy hour, flowers, gift card, etc.) but I'm someone who likes to draw the line between work life and personal, and never intended to keep up with those same "work friends" after my job was over.

In the weeks since I left, I've had several former coworkers attempt to contact me on every social media site that you can find someone from just having their cell number, including Whatsapp, Instagram, Snapchat, and text messages. This is especially strange because even when I was employed there, I never accepted any of their friend requests and politely declined attempts to hang out at non-work events. I wouldn't go as far to say that my former workplace was a toxic environment, but it was definitely rife with gossip (a culture that admittedly I engaged in but thought once I left it would stop). The correspondence they send is mostly an attempt to find out where I'm currently working and share office place gossip/drama that I no longer care about. So far I have just ignored the messages and friend requests, but I feel like I'm being rude by doing that. How can I make it stop? Can you provide some reasons as to why people would keep contacting an old coworker that hasn't shown interest in keeping up a friendship?

To provide some additional context, the people who contacted me were lower on the corporate ladder than I was, but since we are all in our 20s I think they feel more comfortable in trying to reach out to me than they would an older person. I'm still in negotiations with my new employer but I don't feel the need to give constant updates to my former coworkers when I know the information will just be fodder for gossip.

I think you're fine ignoring the friend requests, but there's some value in not ignoring the messages entirely, since these are people you might run into again in the future. That doesn't mean that you have to become pen pals or provide fodder for gossip, but you could send a a one-time "Hey! I'm swamped with the new job but hope everything is going well for you!" reply. It's reasonably friendly, but it's vague and it sets up a reason for why they might not get more replies. From there, you don't need to keep replying.

As to why it's happening: It sounds like it's an effect of the gossipy culture you mentioned. They see you as a partner in that still and assume you're still interested. Plus, because they're young (20s), they probably haven't had a ton of experience with leaving jobs and the way that makes most people want to disconnect from this kind of thing. And I'm just guessing, but if they're not in challenging jobs, the work itself isn't keeping them occupied and they're filling the space with this, without realizing that it's weird to be sending the tentacles of this workplace's drama out after people who have left it.

5. Is it really okay to use my company's e-learning portals?

My office has spent a lot of money on providing excellent e-learning portals we can use, including a virtual learning platform where you can watch webinars or complete workbooks as diverse as “psychotherapy for dummies” and “being influential at work." I feel uncomfortable using these learning platforms at work, even though they are part of our office tools and have some useful stuff in them. I am currently in a summer lull period at work, so I am tempted to use them. Is there any etiquette for using these platforms and others like it?

They're supplying them so that you can use them! It's true that you shouldn't be spending your entire day every day on them, and you shouldn't use them if people are waiting on you for things, but if you're on top of your work, you absolutely can take take advantage of these! In fact, your company will probably be pleased that you're doing it, since they invested resources in providing this. (That said, before spending any significant time on one that’s totally unconnected to your work, it's not a bad idea to touch base with your manager about it. You could say, "I'm really interested in the company's e-learning portal on X and would love to use some of our summer lull to check it out. But obviously it's not directly related to my work so I wanted to run that by you first." She may tell you there's no need to check with her, or she may direct you toward something she'd rather you spend the time on.)

Long version: I started my job about a year and a half ago. It is in the same industry I've worked for the past 10 years, but doing something different – I spent 10+ years doing medical billing and the new job is processing medical insurance claims. I was burned out on the collections end of medical billing and was delighted to land this position, thinking that my billing experience would be beneficial, and as a bonus, I'd never have to speak to disgruntled patients about why their bill was so high! The company I work for is fantastic – I always loved working with them from the billing side, and they are doing their best to actually HELP people with their medical care – they are not an enormous medical insurance company who doesn't care.

It takes about six months to be fully trained to process all types of claims, so it's a pretty intense process. For quality control, processors must maintain 98% accuracy when processing – this is done by spot-audits from another department.

Turns out, this job is JUST processing claims. I can do it, and I can even do it well, but I can't seem to do it well consistently. I'm not meeting the accuracy standard, and it's stupid mistakes that I know better than to make! But I get so bored, I think I just zone out. I just can't make myself care, and I can't convince myself that it matters. I'm more than happy to fix mistakes, but it makes more work for everyone, which is why we have the 98% standard.

My supervisors have been great about this, offering to help, checking in with me, etc, but the reality is, I just suck at this. However, my supervisors have assured me more than once that I'm a great employee, have a great attitude, and am the type of person they enjoy having on their team. It's just … that's not enough! I've never had an experience where I've been so consistently bad at an aspect of my job – and this isn't an aspect, it's the actual job! It's disappointing, and quite frankly, it's embarrassing!

There are no current openings within the company that I am qualified for, or that I'm interested in, but I really love this company and would like to stay. But this job is boring! My supervisors and HR even had me do a strengths assessment, which confirmed that this sort of thing isn't great for me, but the type of job they indicate I'd be good at (marketing) is nothing I've ever thought of or worked in. My self-assessment is that I like "consistent variety" – I like having structure and knowing what is expected of me, but I need a little variety in there to break up the day and keep me focused. I like to feel I've accomplished something, whereas processing claims is literally never-ending – not even in a way that I can finish a batch and start another one.

So do I cut my losses here and just see what else is out there? I hate starting over, and haven't really been here that long, but I've been trying for months to do better and just can't seem to get it together. Thoughts? Reassurances? Advice?

Ahhhh, I so badly want to be reassuring here because I do believe you are a delightful person! But …

I wouldn't stay at a job you're bad at, even if they think you're lovely and are lovely back to you.

First, there might be a point where they become less patient with the mistakes. Right now, they might be in "give it time" mode, hoping/assuming that you'll bring your accuracy up once you've been there longer. If that doesn't happen, it might not be realistic for them to keep you in the job indefinitely.

But maybe more importantly, it's not good for you to stay in a job you're bad at. You won't be building a reputation for doing strong work, and at whatever point you leave, it may be harder to find your next job if you have several years (or more) of not-great work. You'll have fewer people excited to vouch for you or connect you with job leads, and your references won't be strong (at least in regard to your work quality). And getting used to being Not Very Good can mess with your head in ways that might be hard to shake once you leave.

Normally I'd tell you to have an honest conversation with your boss to explore whether there might be ways to tweak your role or more you into a different role entirely, but it sounds like you've already done that and that your manager and HR are being pretty proactive in trying to work with you on this.

So yes, it does sound like it's time to start looking outside your company. I get that you really like them and want to stay … but your day-to-day, hour-to-hour work is going to have a lot more influence on your overall quality of life than being at a great company will (as important as that can be too). Plus, if you leave on good terms soon-ish, you're more likely to preserve the ability to come back there in the future if a job that's better suited for you opens up … whereas if you stay for a couple of years with a mediocre performance, that may be harder to do (especially if your manager leaves and is replaced by someone with a different take on all this).

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