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“I’m being thanked way too much, I get mis-gendered on the phone, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

“I’m being thanked way too much, I get mis-gendered on the phone, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager


I’m being thanked way too much, I get mis-gendered on the phone, and more

Posted: 19 Jul 2018 09:03 PM PDT

It's four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. I'm being thanked way too much

I work an admin job for a department that requires a lot of specialization for non-admin employees; it’s not necessarily uncommon for my coworkers to be in situations that could become dangerous. I think I’m decent at my job and I’m definitely efficient, but I don’t feel like anything I do is all that special.

I know there are much worse problems to have, but when I complete relatively minor tasks for my coworkers, many of them go way over the top with effusive praise to the point that it sometimes feels infantilizing. I obviously don’t mind the occasional “this looks great, thanks” or “thanks for getting that taken care of,” but long rambling thank-you’s that don’t fit into a single sentence really get my hackles up. I know that objectively their work is at a higher level than mine, I don’t need to be thanked “for everything that [I] do” and told that my work is “soooooo important;” it makes me feel coddled, or makes me think that they think I’m fragile and/or insecure. I have tried casually and cordially responding in the moment with something along the lines of “That’s really not necessary, it’s part of my job,” but it persists. Is this just my problem to get over, or is there something I can say or do that would encourage them to tone it down?

Do you see them doing it to non-admin staff too? If so, it's just the culture of this workplace. But if it seems to be targeted to you because you're an admin, I suspect you're seeing people over-correcting for the idea that admins aren't sufficiently appreciated … but you're right than when it's done to this extreme (especially with the “soooooo important" comments), it will start to feel condescending. (And before anyone questions why you'd object to people expressing gratitude, that's the answer. When it comes across as patronizing, it's a problem.)

The other possibility is that you replaced someone incompetent, and your colleagues are genuinely overwhelmed with pleasure and gratitude at the contrast of your work with hers.

Either way, you can try a no-nonsense "Truly, this is just part of the job" or "Oh my goodness, save the effusive thanks for a time I really deserve it!" Or the next time someone is really over the top in a particularly patronizing way, you could cut them off and say, "Please believe me when I tell you that all this is really not necessary. A simple 'thank-you' is fine.”

And if there's someone you have particularly good rapport with, especially if that person is your boss, you could tell them how this is coming across: "It's not that I don't appreciate being thanked — of course I do — but the way it's playing out, especially since no one else seems to be on the receiving end of it, makes me feel like I'm being talked down to. I'd like to see myself as a peer, not ‘the help.'"

But beyond that, there may not be a ton you can do here.

2. Is there a diplomatic way to correct people when I’m mis-gendered over the phone?

I recently moved from a northern state to a southern state to work as a doctor in a hospital setting. I frequently call (and rarely email) patients, their families, and other hospital staff. As a result of the sir/ma’am culture here, I have realized that my phone voice must be much higher than I previously thought. I’m a cis-gender man who presents as male and would obviously be recognized that way in person … but I’m mistaken for a woman on nearly every phone call I make. While I’m not offended, it is a little annoying (and slightly alarming that I’ve never known this about myself!).

Is there a way to diplomatically correct people in the moment here? I feel it’s complicated by the fact that people taking my calls are often responding deferentially, as patients often do for physicians here, and it almost feels pedantic or condescending to respond to deference with “thanks, but you were respectful to me in the wrong way.” Many times, the calls are one-offs such as a patient’s family member who I will never speak to again. Other times it’s a hospital staff person I may or may not communicate with again in the future, given shift times and high turnover. So I also wonder, is it worth the awkward hemming and hawing I know some people are likely to respond with when being corrected? Or should I just suck it up and accept that I’m going to be mistaken for a woman?

I think it depends on how much you care about correcting their mistaken impression! If you're bothered by it, I'd go with a quick and cheerful "Oh, I'm a sir!" If you want to help them save face — because most people will indeed be mortified — you can laugh and say, "Don't worry, I get that a lot!" But it's also okay to decide that you don't really care if someone you're never going to talk to again mistakes your gender, and in that case you could simply develop selective deafness (or turn it into your own private drinking game or so forth).

3. I interviewed for a job that didn't match the job posting — and other things seemed off

I had a first interview for a job last week and am a little perplexed. 1) There was no phone screen and the first interview included all the higher-ups (it is a small organization), 2) the different interviewers seemed to be on somewhat different pages about the job requirements, and 3) the job duties described were VERY different from what was listed in the announcement. Now I’ve heard that they’re checking my references. I’m confused! I was under the impression reference checks were for the end of an interview process and I’ve only had one interview.

If they do come back to me about the job, how can I ask for greater detail/explanation about the position without sounding defensive? Frankly, the duties they described are not things I’m interested in AT ALL (and I told them that I don’t have much experience with the specific responsibilities they highlighted), but I am somewhat desperate.

Some places do hire after a single interview, and I wouldn't be surprised if the interview you had is the entire process.

But everything else here is a danger sign. Including all the higher-ups in a first-round interview says they're not good at thinking about and effectively using people's time. The interviewers being on different pages about the role tells you there's serious communication problems, and probably a lack of clarity about what this person needs to achieve. Job duties being dramatically different from what was in the job posting (and with no acknowledgement to you of that) tells you, especially when taken with the rest of this, that they're a disorganized mess. Now throw in that they're a small organization (which are often breeding grounds for dysfunction), and this is not a job you want.

I know you said you're desperate, so it might be that you need to take the job regardless, but if you do have other options, I'd be very, very wary of this one. If you have no choice but to take it, go in with your eyes wide open about what you're likely getting into. (And frankly, being in a dysfunctional organization isn't the worst thing that can befall you, especially if you're desperate — plenty of people have dysfunctional jobs. The key is just not to let it warp your norms, and maybe to continue searching for something better. That said, unless you're in truly dire straits, I wouldn't take a job you think you'll be bad at. That can actually put you in a worse position, if you get fired from it and/or it keeps you from continuing an active search for a better fit.)

But it's totally okay to say in your next interaction, "It sounded from our last conversation like there are a few different visions for the job. Could we talk in a little more detail about exactly what this role will be responsible for and how its success will be measured?" It's also okay to ask, "When we talked, it seemed like Jane and Bob had different perspectives on how they each saw the role. Is there more internal alignment about that now?"

4. Asking a former manager to be your reference when they’re trying to hire you

I'm starting a job search and have encountered an admittedly fortunate quandary: a former boss has an opening in her company that she's interested in having me fill. While I am interested in the role, her timeline for filling the role is a bit nebulous right now and I want to keep job hunting in the meantime. Should I be lucky enough to get to the reference check stage with another company before I get an offer from my former boss, who should I offer up as my reference? Can I ask the former boss? Given that she's trying to poach me from my current organization, I'm confident that she would have given me a glowing recommendation otherwise. I do have other folks I can ask, but I also don't quite know how to say that I can't provide my former boss as a reference — it feels a bit like I'm coming up with a fake excuse if I try to explain that she can't be my reference … but for positive reasons!

A few friends suggested that I ask the former boss for a reference anyway in hopes of both nudging forward her timeline a bit and also strengthening my negotiating power later, but that seems underhanded. What say you?

You can use your former boss even though she also hopes to hire you. (There's a certain type of person who would downplay the reference in the hopes that no one else would hire you, but that type of person is rare. Hopefully you know that your old boss isn't one of them.) You're not asking her as a way of nudging her timeline; you're asking her because she's a logical person to give a reference. When you ask her, you can say something like, "I'm really interested in the role with you, but since it's not a definite at this point, I'm of course talking to other companies too." She should understand that.

I’m being thanked way too much, I get mis-gendered on the phone, and more was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

my coworker keeps interrupting me in person rather than emailing, despite my many requests

Posted: 19 Jul 2018 10:59 AM PDT

A reader writes:

I was promoted to a lead position within my company earlier this year, which means that I am not a manager but I am responsible for delegating tasks and overseeing projects. A slightly more junior person was recently assigned to assist me on a project. His manager insists that his work is high-quality, and I trust that. But instead of sending questions via email or instant messenger, this person likes to drop by my desk unnannounced to ask me questions.

I am very uncomfortable with this for three reasons:

1. I have ADHD. Being interrupted in the middle of a task makes it very hard for me to get back on track. If someone contacts me via email or IM, I can finish what I’m doing and then reorient my brain to focus on what they need me to do.

2. When he does this, he likes to get very much in my personal space, and because of the shape of my cubicle I can’t back away. Other women I work with have also expressed that this is a concern for them.

3. He can’t show me what document he’s asking about when he comes to see me in person. It would be much more efficient to screen-share or take a screenshot so I can see what the specific situation is. It's much harder to answer his question without being able to see the item in question. I often have to follow him back to his desk to see what's happening, because he hasn’t remembered to bring his laptop.

I have asked him if he can screen-share or email his questions, but instead he has been emailing me to tell me he has a question, and then coming by my desk anyway. How can I express to him that I think digital interaction would be better for all involved?

The nice thing about being senior to him is that you can stop asking or trying to convince him, and instead can just tell him how you want to work together, and then stick to that. Seriously, this is totally fine to do. He’s assigned to assist you! You’re allowed to do this.

For example: "I can't be interrupted right now, so please email this to me."

Or: "For things like this, please send me an email."

Or: "I'm focused on something I can't pull away from right now. In general, send things like this to me in email to start, and I'll let you know if we need to talk in person."

Frankly, you could also do this if he were a peer, but the fact that he's junior to you and the fact that he’s supposed to be assisting you both make it even more okay to do.

Also, notice that in these examples, you’re not telling him that you “think digital interaction would be better for all involved” (your language in your letter). You’re telling him how he needs to work with you, period. You’re not looking to convince him; you’re giving him direction on a work-related process.

The trick is, though, you'll have to actually stick to it. If you tell him the sorts of things above but then let him interrupt you anyway, he's going to learn that you don't really mean it. So you actually have to be firm about it. Not a jerk, just firm — "I'm busy, but send me an email and I'll take a look."

Say it, mean it, and stick to it. Truly, that's it.

By the way, it also sounds like you'd be doing everyone in your office a favor if you also addressed the personal space thing. It doesn't have to be a big deal, just something like, "Whoa, you're crowding me — can you step back a little?" Be matter of fact about it, but do say it. It's actually a favor to him too because if he's putting people off by invading their space, it's better for him to know he needs to stop.

my coworker keeps interrupting me in person rather than emailing, despite my many requests was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

will my employee be demoralized by a coworker’s promotion?

Posted: 19 Jul 2018 09:30 AM PDT

A reader writes:

I’m newly the manager of a small group of three people. One of my first acts will be to promote someone in our group-let’s call her Sarah- who is overdue for recognition of the truly outstanding work she does for our organization. One of my other reports, Dian, currently shares the same title as Sarah, and has been at the company far longer, but won’t be receiving a promotion now (or at any point, unless her contributions change considerably.) Diane does a lot that’s great but only in particular areas-she is inconsistent and at times incompetent at others. Nonetheless, she is valued for the number of things she does do very well.

What is the proper etiquette in this situation? Should managers tell other reports that one of their colleagues will be receiving a promotion before the announcement goes out company-wide? I anticipate that Diane will feel demoralized at this news, something that I’d like to address if I can because one of the things that hinders her work is a recurring sense of discouragement and disengagement when things don’t go well. Should I tell her in a matter-of-fact way about Sarah before she hears along with everyone else? If I think she has mixed feelings about it, should I find a tactful way to raise that with her? Or should I just be business-as-usual and stop trying to anticipate possible reactions?

I answer this question — and three others — over at Inc. today, where I'm revisiting letters that have been buried in the archives here from years ago (and sometimes updating/expanding my answers to them). You can read it here.

Other questions I'm answering there today include:

  • Will connecting on LinkedIn make my staff realize how young I am?
  • Applications that want me to share something unique about myself
  • Our intern sounds unprofessional

will my employee be demoralized by a coworker’s promotion? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

ask the readers: how do I get people to remember me?

Posted: 19 Jul 2018 07:59 AM PDT

Per Thursday tradition, I'm throwing this letter out to readers to weigh in on. This is an interesting one:

How do I get people to remember me?

Today, my colleague and I attended a meeting to finalize a work program we had negotiated with an external organization. The meeting followed six months on from an initial two-hour face-to-face meeting that both my colleague and I attended and contributed to, and multiple email exchanges in which my colleague and I participated. There were two people from the contracting organization, both of whom I had met at the initial meeting. One could not remember my name, and one did not remember meeting me at all. Both remembered my colleague, who is more well known than me in this sub-field.

This is regular experience for me. People often forget meeting me, or are not sure if they have or not, and often forget my (run of the mill) name. Name forgetting I can live with, but having people forget they ever met me is disheartening. More than that, it feels humiliating. As importantly, work in my industry flows through networks, and I think my “forgettability” hurts me professionally.

I am a quietly spoken but confident (although perhaps increasingly less so) white woman in my mid-40s. I contribute thoughtfully in meetings, am very good at my work, and have a great reputation amongst people who know (and remember!) me. In professional contexts outside of meetings, I am friendly and feel socially confident, although I am perhaps a little quiet when I first meet someone. If it’s relevant, I physically look and dress like many, many women in my field.

My field is dominated by women at the lower levels of staffing, and by men in senior positions — but the forgetting seems to be gender neutral.

I need to change this, for my professional trajectory and sense of self, but I am at a loss as to what to do. Do you have advice?

ask the readers: how do I get people to remember me? was originally published by Alison Green on Ask a Manager.

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