“my coworker owes me money and won’t pay it back, my coworker’s panic attacks are affecting my work, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

my coworker owes me money and won’t pay it back, my coworker’s panic attacks are affecting my work, and more
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my coworker owes me money and won’t pay it back, my coworker’s panic attacks are affecting my work, and more

Posted: 12 Jun 2018 09:03 PM PDT

It's four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My rude coworker owes me money and won't pay me back

A coworker owes me a not insignificant sum of money and won’t pay me back. I realize it’s not wise to lend money to your coworkers but our situation was a little different in that I haven’t technically given her anything directly. Let me explain.

One of our office mates (we share an office with four other people) was celebrating a major professional accomplishment and invited us all over to her house. The Rude Coworker suggested we all spring for a nice gift for her and suggested a sum each of us should pay. I won’t give you the dollar amount since we’re not in the U.S., but it was about a week’s worth of groceries per person. It was quite a lot for my budget but I wanted to be a good friend to my friend, the celebrating coworker, and so I agreed. So the four of us agreed on a gift, and it so happened that it was available in an online store I have an account with, so I was the one who ended up ordering it. The other two coworkers paid me back immediately but the Rude Coworker didn’t. I asked her twice about it. The first time she said she didn’t have any money. I suggested she could pay me back with her next paycheck but we have since been paid, and still nothing. I asked her a second time and she said she didn’t have the money, in a bored and dismissive tone of voice. For context, she is well paid, wearing designer clothes and going on fancy vacations. She also buys takeout coffee every day. We are peers but because she’s so abrasive and at times bully-ish that most of our colleagues walk on tiptoes around her.

How do I get my money back? We do not really have a manager — we are all professionals who technically report to a coordinator but are left alone to do our work 99% of the time. I could really use the money right now, and it makes me really angry to essentially have to beg her to do the right thing.

Ugh, she's being horrible. It's possible that you may not get your money back because there's no way to force her to pay you, but you can up your chances by being even more direct. Instead of just asking her for the money, say something like this: "Jane, that money was a week's worth of groceries for me. I need you to pay me back as you agreed. Can you write me a check for the amount you owe me right now?" If she says she doesn't have money or a checkbook on her, then say, "I really need the money paid back; I have bills I need to pay. Can you bring it in tomorrow?" And then you have this conversation with her every single day until she pays you back. There's a decent chance that she'll get sick enough of having to talk about it that she will, in fact, pay you back. (Right now, I think you're using too light of a touch for the situation. You need to follow up on it every day; make it uncomfortable for her not to pay you back.)

If that doesn't work, you can also try enlisting your other coworkers in shaming her. If all three of you sit down with her and say, "We agreed to each pay $X for a group gift, and Jane, we still need your contribution — it’s really unfair to stick to Miranda with the bill for your share," she may be sufficiently shamed to actually pay you.

Jane sucks.

2. My coworker has panic attacks, and it's affecting my work

I share an office with my coworker. She has panic attacks. When she has one, I have to leave the office until the attack passes. If I’m there or she isn’t alone, the attack won’t stop. We work with financial information and can only do work with the computer inside our offices. When I have to leave, I can’t do work because my computer is in the office (we all work in offices with doors and there is no way for anyone to ever bring work outside of their offices), and when she is having an attack she can’t do any work. We are always behind on work because she has an attack every two or three days.

Our boss says if we don’t start delivering more work on time, he’ll put us both on a PIP. My coworker asked me not to tell anyone about her attacks. I don’t want to out her but I don’t want to end up on a PIP. There aren’t any empty offices for me to move to and there isn’t room anywhere else because everyone, including my boss, is already sharing. The last thing I want is to out my coworker. No one else here knows about her anxiety or panic attacks and she feels bad about disrupting our work. I don’t want to make it worse. But I also don’t want to keep getting in trouble or ending up on a PIP. I can’t think of any way to get my boss to understand without outing her.

Yeah, you're going to have to out her. It's not reasonable for her to insist that you leave your work space like this, and one of you needs to let your boss know what's going on.

I'd say this to your coworker: "Because this is now affecting my performance and is at the point where I could lose my job over it, I need to talk to Bob about another solution for our office space. To do that, I'll need to explain to him what's going on. Would you prefer to talk with him yourself first? I'm planning to talk with him tomorrow, so I wanted to give you a chance to speak with him first about your panic attacks if you'd like to."

But then you do need to disclose to your manager what's happening, and quickly (because the longer you let this go on, the more it's affecting your work and the harder this may be to come back from). This isn't gossiping about someone's private health information. This is letting your manager know about a major reason for your slipping work performance. It sounds like your choices are to do that or risk getting fired for low performance, and it's not reasonable for your coworker to expect you to do the latter.

3. My practicum contact is unresponsive

I was recently accepted for a graduate-level practicum at a local non-profit organization. The organization partners with two other organizations to run a direct service provision agency. My supervisor wants me to begin my practicum by shadowing the director, managers and frontline workers at this agency, to help inform the rest of work I’m going to be doing (research, grant proposals, program development, that sort of thing).

My practicum supervisor told me they had talked to a manager at the frontline agency about me shadowing there, and gave me that manager’s contact information to get things set up. But two phone calls and an email later (over the course of about ten days), I’ve had no response at all.

I’m starting to think I’ll need to tell my supervisor I hadn’t been able to contact the manager, but I don’t want to get that person in trouble. I can only image the weird dynamic the manager is in, having essentially three bosses, and having a practicum student foisted on them, possibly without the option to say no.

I’m assuming there are some significant dynamics at play here that have nothing to do with me, but at the same time I only have until the middle of August to finish my required hours, or my graduation will be put off until next spring (which isn’t the end of the world, but it would be a hefty speed bump.) I don’t want to cause or contribute to conflict, hard feelings, or overwork (which I have so much sympathy for, having lots of previous experience in the non-profit sector) but at the same time… I want to graduate! What is the kindest, most tactful way for me to approach this situation? I do know a frontline worker at the agency, but getting her help in approaching her boss seems like a really bad idea, so I haven’t said anything to her about this at all. My faculty supervisor is also an option, but I don’t want her to think I’m not capable of something as basic as making initial contact with someone.

Talk to your practicum supervisor immediately. This isn't about getting someone in trouble; this is about letting someone who's supervising your work know that you haven't been able to do the thing they asked you to do. Say something like, "I've been having trouble reaching Jane about setting up shadowing — I've tried calling and emailing but haven't heard anything back. She's probably very busy, but since it's been 10 days, I wanted to check with you about whether there's someone else I should contact about it." You could also ask, "If it takes a while to set this up, is there something else I could start on meanwhile, since I only have until the middle of August to finish my required hours?"

The idea here is that you're not complaining about anyone; you're alerting her that so far this isn't moving forward (since she's probably assuming it is), and asking how to proceed.

4. How should I follow up when friends introduce me to their contacts?

I’m a recent grad searching for a full time job. I’m lucky enough to have friends who know people in my field, and they’ve offered to introduce me to them over email (“Hi X, this is Y who I told you about, hope you’re doing well”). However, I’m not really sure how to follow up. I know I should include my resume and a thank-you, but what else? This isn’t something where I’m following up on a specific position, so I feel a bit unmoored in how to handle it.

I wrote back and asked, “What’s the outcome that you want from the introductions? In other words, what are you hoping the other person will do?" The answer:

That’s a great question. Pass me along to someone who’s looking for someone like me? My field is very word-of-mouth, so most jobs never make it to an online posting.

That's the key thing here — if you don't clearly state what you're hoping they'll do, your chances of them doing it go way down. That said, I wouldn't necessarily ask them to pass your resume along; since they don't know you or whether your work is good, there's not a lot of incentive for them to do that (and even if they do, their referral won't be very compelling since they won't have anything to say about you other than "here is a resume"). So what about approaching them more as networking contacts — people who might be able to give you advice about building a career in the field? (And once they do that, they'll be more invested and have a better sense of you, and might be more willing to pass your resume around.)

If you do that, when you contact the person after your friend's introduction, you could say something like, "Jane, it's so great to meet you. I just graduated in May from Rice with a degree in llama linguistics, and I'm hoping to talk to people already working in the field to get advice about how to build my career. Would you be willing to set up a short call with me and answer some questions about working in llama linguistics (or if you prefer, meet up for coffee)?" (But be sure your questions are real ones that you genuinely want answered; if you're just asking questions for the sake of having something to say to them, that'll be transparent and will feel like a waste of their time. Some ideas are here.)

If that doesn't feel genuine, then you could just go with, "I just graduated in May from Rice with a degree in llama linguistics, and I'm looking for work doing X or Y. If you know of anyone who might be hiring someone with my background, I'd be really grateful to be connected with them. I'm attaching my resume here." But that's less likely to pay off than the first approach.

My boss’s boss is the one who I consider a bit of a role model (although I wouldn’t dream of confessing this to her — I think I probably have a bit of a manager crush on her, in a non-romantic/attracted way, I hope that’s a thing and I’m not just a total weirdo haha!). She’s 35, which for her position in my company is really really young (most are between 50 and retirement age) and I’m 22, which is young for my position (my next youngest same level colleague is 32), but she’s just so put together. I feel like saying I want to be like her when I grow up, which sounds so ridiculous when I type it out!

My point is, I want to start being more professional and organized and feel and look more like (excuse my French) I have my shit together!

Sometimes in meetings I zone out (because I only really go to look like I’m doing something, as they have zero relevance to me or my team) but I’m in my head like, "That is a really nice top (or outfit)!” She wears a lot of plain tops with basic cardigans and lots of pastel/pale-colored clothes, whereas I tend to wear soft blazer-type jackets, floral trousers, and bright block colors paired with black or navy. I am thinking of expanding my wardrobe, and the more I think about presenting a more professional look, the more my thoughts flicker to this boss.

In short, I’m wondering what I said at the start. Is it weird to want to dress like her, and do you think she’ll notice if I do? (To be clear, I DON’T want her to notice.) Have you ever come across any managers who are worried that their employees like them too much (hopefully not in a weird way!)? I wouldn’t say I’m trying to emulate her specifically, I just want to start changing my professional image so that I can progress within the organization, and I feel she like she has a really good image!

You can totally start dressing more like your boss and emulating her general style!

I’d be more cautious about doing this if her style were especially unusual or unique to her — like if she always dressed in polka dots or in clothes with tiny giraffes on them, you wouldn't be able to emulate that without it coming across strangely. But her clothes sound like a typical enough professional look that it's not likely to stand out as a strange move.

In fact, paying attention to how senior people who you respect present themselves is a pretty common piece of advice, and there's nothing weird about doing it.

Obviously, you want to be inspired by her look rather buying the identical pieces and assembling an identical wardrobe. But assuming you keep it more "inspired by" than "carbon copy," she's not likely to think anything of it. She may notice that your look has changed, and she may even notice it being similar to hers — but if anything, she’s likely to find that flattering in someone she manages (again, as long as you stay on the "inspired by" side of things), and will probably just assume that you're taking cues on professional dress from her, which isn't something she's likely to object to.

And actually, in some offices it’s a noticeable thing that most women over a certain professional level dress similarly, and I suspect it stems from everyone taking their cues from each other — or originally from one senior woman — and all individually concluding "this is what looks polished in this office." (It may happen with men too, but there’s usually less variation in their work clothes to begin with.)

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