“sharing an office when people are fasting, IT remotely accessed my laptop when I asked them not to, and more” plus 3 more Ask a Manager

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sharing an office when people are fasting, IT remotely accessed my laptop when I asked them not to, and more

Posted: 17 May 2018 09:03 PM PDT

It's five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Sharing an office when people are fasting

I am the supervisor of a team of four (counting myself). I have been a member of this team for 10 years, while the other three have only been here one to four years. The four of us share a tiny office that’s really not meant for more than two people, so we are pretty much all up in each other’s personal space all day, but we’ve developed a pretty great working relationship.

All three of my teammates are Muslim and take their religion seriously. It is currently Ramadan, meaning they are all fasting from sunrise to sunset. I always try to be very respectful of this, and try not to eat or drink anything in our shared office, but as a regular water drinker, it’s difficult. I’ve gotten in the habit of going to the water cooler every so often and chugging a plastic cup of water because I feel as though I can’t keep my usual bottle of water on my desk during the day. I also always eat lunch at my desk, at the same time every day, and they all know this, but I feel like it’s unfair for me to do so when they are fasting, even though they’ve said it doesn’t bother them.

Everyone in our office suite uses a conference room to have lunch together at noon each day, and I cover the receptionist during this time. I always take lunch when she comes back at 12:30, but the conference rooms are in use then which is why I eat at my desk. The only other option would be to eat outside (which isn’t doable in bad weather) or to go the campus cafeteria, which results in my spending most of the half hour break just looking for a place to sit. I guess I’m just wondering am I going too far out of my way? I’m trying to be respectful of the fact that they can’t eat or drink anything during the day during this holy time, but at what point can I say it’s my office too and not feel guilty about having a cup of coffee and my peanut butter and jelly sandwich at my desk?

You are being really thoughtful and considerate here, but I think you're probably taking it too far. I agree that if you can easily avoid eating in front of people who are fasting, that's a kind thing to do, but I definitely don't think you need to take it as far as not drinking anything at your own desk — and if they're assuring you that food is fine too, it's okay to take them at their word. It sounds like you've made it very clear to them that you want to be thoughtful and accommodating — which is lovely — and you have good relationships with each other, so I think you're safe assuming that they mean it when they tell you it's fine! I still would probably not spread out a whole buffet of exotic fruits and fancy cheeses and cakes across your desk, but it sounds fine to eat a PB&J in the same space as them.

2. IT guy remotely accessed my laptop when I asked him not to

Today at work I was experiencing some technical issues, and raised a ticket with our IT support team who are based in another location. Later in the day, I was having a VERY busy hour when a member of the team instant messaged me in response to the ticket. I told him that it was a really bad time and asked if we could look at the issue a bit later, but he remotely accessed my computer anyway! (As in, he could see my screen and had taken over control of its function.)

Am I in the wrong for feeling like this out of order? Not only was it a bad time, but I actually had my online banking open in my browser which I would have preferred to have kept private. And what if I had been halfway through a presentation with an important client?!

On the other hand, I guess his job is to fix things — not to wait on a time that’s convenient for me, and I suppose I have no right to any real privacy on a company computer. I don’t know — I’m torn! What do you think?

I'm with you. If he absolutely had to do it right then because of his own schedule, he should have said something like, "This is the only time I'll be able to look at it this week — okay for me to go ahead or would you rather wait until next week?"

As you pointed out, not only does this raise privacy issues (and sure, you don't have real privacy on a work computer, but you're still entitled to at least say, "Hold on, let me close my banking info"), but it could have been far more disruptive to your work than waiting would have been to his (like if you were presenting to a client, or dealing with a work crisis, or so forth).

3. Resigning when my boss is on an overseas trip

I have a second interview for a job this Friday, and while I know nothing is ever guaranteed, I really hope I get an offer. Things are moving quite quickly (I applied just over a week ago, had a first interview yesterday afternoon and got a call back first thing this morning) and I know that they’re hoping the successful candidate will start by the beginning of June. I told them during the phone interview that I would need to give my company two weeks notice, as is the norm.

However, I just realized that if I were to get an offer in the next week or so, the timing will be awful. Both my bosses, along with the rest of the senior team, leave next Tuesday for Europe and will be gone for over two weeks. The way I see it, two things could happen here — I get an offer before they go and resign but my two weeks will end before they get back, or I get an offer while they are away and have to resign while my boss is in Europe. (And, of course, the third thing is that I get no offers, in which case this is all moot!) There will be a significant time difference while they are away so it would be hard to call, although I know that would be better than emailing.

Honestly, neither option sits well with me! I don’t like my job and I’m not that fond of my boss, but I would feel very bad leaving without even seeing him. I would also feel bad having to resign via email or an international phone line (notoriously crackly!), especially considering this is my first professional role. We are a small team (only about six to seven full-time staff) so unfortunately I can’t just slip under the radar. How would you go about this?

This is totally normal, and the sort of thing that happens all the time! Sometimes resignations come at inconvenient times, like when your boss is away. People make do! And your boss will understand that you don't have the luxury of telling your new job that you need to push your start date back to wait for someone's European travel to end.

So once you've accepted the offer and it's officially a done deal, tell your boss. If it's right before she leaves for Europe, so be it. If it's after she's already gone, call her on a crackly international phone line; she will still be able to hear you, crackles and all. If you're unable to reach her, send her an email saying, "I normally would never do this by email but I want to give you as much notice as possible." And however you contact her, you can also say, "I realize the timing isn't ideal — what's the best way for me to make the transition as smooth as possible since you're away?"

This will be fine!

4. Asking a coworker not to joke about suicide

I’m hoping you can help as I’ve found no easy answer amongst my support group. My coworker, a nice guy, makes jokes about “you’ll want to kill yourself if you do this or that” and I’m not sure how to discuss it with him that it bothers me. The main reason it bothers me is that I’m an attempt survivor and I lost my brother to suicide. No one at my workplace knows about my attempt as it occurred before I was with the company and I don’t want the perception of me to change. Any assistance would be appreciated.

Be direct! "Please don't joke about suicide." That's really all you need to say! A polite person will immediately stop, but if he pushes back in any way, you can say, "It's a difficult topic for a lot of families, as I'm sure you can understand."

5. My boss is the hiring manger and HR rejected me before my resume even made it to her

I recently applied for a position inside of my work group that is essentially my current role with some larger project and mentoring responsibilities added in. I went through the proper channels, filled out the excessively long application, submitted my cover letter and resume tailored for my boss (who is the hiring manager), took the mysterious personality assessments, and then received a nicely worded email saying that HR would not be passing my resume on to hiring manager (aka, mu boss, who would obviously know nothing about my work ethic, skills, and personality … even though we work closely together and see each other five days a week). And I'm now somewhere between livid and devastated.

I know people get passed over all the time, but I was expected to apply for this job by everyone on the team, including my boss. Because of degree requirements that were added to the position (upper management's decision), I'm the only member of the team who was eligible to apply. And after being informed by the powers that be that they are no longer able advance … well, my coworkers aren't pleased with having to train someone from scratch in our niche field where the standards we design to are company-specific, not industry-specific. (This is a job you learn over years, not months.)

Should I even mention to my boss that I applied? Or just let it go? My company is so worried about the possibily of appearing discrimatory that all HR decisions are final, so there is no chance of being reconsidered even if I talk to my boss. I'm torn because I was expected to apply and I don't want my boss to feel like I'm unwilling to step up and take more responsibility. But I'm also ashamed of the fact that I somehow didn't make it past HRs filter when the position is so closely related to what I'm currently doing. Logically, I know the rejection isn't a reflection of the feelings of any of the people I actually work with, but it still makes me feel like a failure when my boss updates us at a team meeting that she has 30 resumes to sort through and I know mine isn't one of them.

Yes, you absolutely should tell your boss that you applied and were rejected. First, it's possible that the rejection was an error; errors like this do happen. Second, it's possible that this will indicate to your boss that there's something wrong with the way HR is screening candidates. Third, even if there's really nothing your boss can do (which would be weird, for the record), she needs to know because this is something that affects you, her, and your team.

Say something like this: "I applied for the X job, and I got a rejection from HR a few days ago saying they're not going to pass my materials along to you. I'm obviously disappointed, but mainly I wanted to let you know so that you're aware that I did apply."

1. “We share our space with other organizations and there used to be one of those touch-screen made-to-order coffee/espresso things on each floor. Then one of the lease holders signed a non-compete contract with another company (who served coffee and espresso drinks) that was moving in and we were going to have to get rid of them. Except … we weren't a party to the non-compete so we bought all the fancy machines and moved them out of public areas and into ours.

At which point people from all the other companies started casually walking into our kitchenettes (we share other things like meeting rooms so there aren't restricted access issues) and using the machines. There were polite reminders. There were pointed, ‘OH ARE YOU NEW TO [OUR COMPANY] WHICH SECTION DO YOU WORK FOR?’ barbs. There were Post Its. There were signs. Signs got torn down. There were new signs. Someone in [other company] took a picture of one of them and sent it to their entire distribution list inviting them to come drink our coffee. There were executives talking to executives about how to stem the invasion. There was talk of PUTTING BADGE READERS ON THE MACHINES. It was bananacrackers.

And it's not over yet. We have no resolution. I think most of them have just gotten bored but we still see people furtively ducking into the kitchenettes periodically.”

2. “My company provides coffee machines on every floor but charges 20 cents per cup (except for ‘meeting coffee’ which is free). There are lists. People on every floor whose responsibility it is to refill coffee, sugar, and milk. Deputy people for this job. Monthly bills. Cash boxes on every floor where you are supposed to pay your bill. People who manage the cash boxes. Somebody in housekeeping whose responsibility is to manage cash logistics. Some other person in sales who hands out coffee, sugar, and milk (but needs a receipt for everything). Probably substitutes for these people too, I don't know – you get the idea.

At some time someone made an official ‘proposal for improvement’ to eliminate the charge for coffee, the lists, the cash boxes and the whole system. Have a single person whose job it is to refill the coffee machines daily and be done with it. There was a short calculation how much time and effort could be saved. (A lot.)

That proposal has gone through the improvements committee (yes, that's a thing), the sales people, the union, the CEO and back to the improvements committee. It is still under consideration after 18 months.”

3. “As has often been the case in my career working in a fairly male-dominated field, I was the only woman in an office. When I started I would make a pot of coffee in the morning and then have some. After a couple weeks I noticed nobody else would make the coffee – they would just wait until I came in to make it.

So I started bringing my coffee from home because I didn't want to be the office coffee maker. The first day they just waited…and waited…

‘So there's no coffee.’
‘Yup’
‘So…..?’
‘Guess you have to make some then.’
‘You do it so well!’
‘I sure do – this cup is delicious!’

It was all passive aggressive as hell. Nobody made coffee that day. The next day someone finally did it.”

4. “I bought my own coffeemaker/pot to keep in my office after the brutal territorial battles of the teacher's workroom became too much for me. Word got around, and now many of my colleagues (in my department, who have access to my office) share my coffee, most of them contributing creamer and coffee.

People around campus are outraged! Outraged that I keep my office locked at all times due to FERPA laws that require student documents to be secured. I've found sticky notes on the door, asking me to bring coffee to people in their classrooms, had people say rude (and quite stupid) things to my face and had multiple administrators come by my office to say: we're investigating your office coffee pot on the basis of a complaint. Keep your coffee pot.

The people who want my coffee are not my friends or close colleagues – they are people I barely know! And nothing is stopping them from using the break room or bringing their own coffee pot. When people complain about people acting ‘like they're in middle school’ sometimes I think they are talking about the staff.”

5. “We just got an all-staff email sent around to say that someone had taken some other team's milk from the fridge and it had not been returned. Our building has been consumed by milk wars because the kitchen is shared by a university department and a bunch of charities who all have different rules and milk clubs (especially since the university USED to provide milk for staff for free but now does not). The fridge is literally stuffed full of half-used, meticulously labelled milk bottles to the point where you can't put anything else in there.

I mean, I know the British love their tea but it's reaching levels of parody.”

6. “In our tiny office there's a Keurig and a pot. Only two of us use the pot daily, but we do make coffee every day and drink it (a third person drinks it as well, but flies under the radar). When I was going to be out on vacation, the office manager asked my coworker if she could refrain from making coffee that week so as not to waste it. Keep in mind none of use have had raises in several years. I now pride myself on making financially ruinous pots of coffee.”

7. “My dad was a middle school teacher. As the first one in the building most days, he was usually the one to get the pot of coffee going. I think at some point, a group of teachers wrote a note on the coffee maker that requested using half the number of scoops that he normally used.

Then … my dad's coffee sent someone to the hospital. Another teacher drank a cup from a pot that my dad made, and he started getting heart palpitations. This guy went to the school nurse, who suspected that he was having a heart attack. She called 911 and the teacher got taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Testing revealed that he thankfully hadn't had a heart attack. He was just REALLY not used to the strength of my dad's coffee. My dad got some sort of comedic ‘Dumb Ass’ award for doing the stupidest action that month. I think he slowly gave up coffee making at work after that.”

8. “LastJob had a coffee club. I was not a member.

There was one coffee maker. There were coffee wars over caffeinated vs. decaf coffee. Regular coffee vs. flavored coffee. Regular caffeinated vs. flavored decaf.

This was slightly mitigated when the company expanded to another floor of the building and we gained a second break room and a second coffee maker. One floor's coffee maker was designated for decaf only, and the other for caffeinated. The flavored vs. regular battle waged on.

Two employees ended up getting disciplined (separately) for spending too much time each day ‘making coffee.’ They were in the kitchen for hours, cleaning the carafe, waiting for coffee to brew, organizing the containers of coffee, walking around polling people about what flavor of coffee to try next.”

9. “I work at a small college, the pretentious kind that loves to call itself ‘elite.’

About two months after I started, I walked into the kitchenette to get my lunch and found 3 faculty members puzzling over the Flavia coffee maker – none of them could figure out how to get it to work. I don't drink coffee, but I walked over to offer my assistance.

There was a sign, with pictures, hanging on the wall over the machine with instructions. I followed the instructions and voila, coffee! None of the faculty said thank you; instead, they all loudly exclaimed to each other how ‘complicated’ it was and how ‘you need a PhD to operate this thing!’

Between the three of them, they had at least three PhDs. I had had my B.A. for less than a year. I still wish I had pointed that out to them.”

10. “Ok so there is this guy at my work who is a contractor, he develops this particular bespoke computer system that my organisation uses. He is kind of an asshole, doesn't come to team meetings, doesn't really consider himself one of us.

Anyway he has for the past couple of years planted his personal espresso machine in the shared kitchen. With its own coffee grinder and shit. He also brings his own milk in (the organisation provides milk). But he gets very angry if someone uses his gear. Once someone used his milk and he hung the bottle in a noose from a shelf with a big sign DO NOT USE THIS MILK.

Anywho one day he really lets rip at a new guy who used his coffee machine, really balls him out in front of everyone. He puts up a sign saying THIS EXPRESSO (sic) MACHINE IS A PRIVATE APPLIANGE, DO NOT USE. This really pisses me off.

So I bring in my own espresso machine from home and plonk it on the counter next to his with a big sign YOU ARE MOST WELCOME TO USE THIS ESPRESSO MACHINE. I even provided some coffee. People use it and leave a donation and I buy more coffee, it's a great system.

So he puts up a little hand written note on his sign THE OWNER JUST WANTS HIS WISHES TO BE RESPECTED AND FOR PERMISSION TO BE ASKED BEFORE USING THIS MACHINE. Haha, what a baby.”

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